A Story about Feelings, Boundaries, and Healthy Connection

Once upon a time, there was a mother who wanted a child more than anything. She wanted to break patterns and do things differently from her family growing up. She had grown up in a cold family without a lot of nurturing and she wanted so much to nurture her own child and make sure the child felt the love that she didn’t.

When she and her husband, who was a kind and gentle soul who loved and supported her and her intentions, conceived their first and only child, the were elated. They dreamed of nurturing this new life in all the ways they could. They learned about baby wearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and more. They bought a bigger bed instead of a crib, a sling instead of a swing, and they waited for their baby to arrive in her own timing.

When their daughter was born, peacefully surrounded by their supportive care team, they were so in love with this little soul. They met her every need and doted over her. It was so healing for both of them to nurture this little one in the ways that they hadn’t felt loved. It was deeply healing.

As their daughter grew, she began to walk and talk. She could climb high and throw things, and oh, could she scream! When something upset her, she could shriek and it was a sound her parents couldn’t ignore. They didn’t know what to do. They wanted to meet her needs. They wanted to comfort her in the ways they weren’t comforted. They wanted to be loving.

So they did the only thing they could think to do: they gave her what she screamed for.

They didn’t want her to be upset.

They wanted to be good parents.

They didn’t know how to be with her big feelings. No one had ever been with their feelings, either.

As she grew, she didn’t know how to be with her own big feelings, either. She grew and she grew. In her life, she never cried for more than a minute, but her scream grew louder as she grew bigger. She became very demanding. And her parents continued to give her what she wanted to stop the screaming.

Until one day, when the child was about 16, and something had to change.

The mother was so exhausted. Her daughter wouldn’t do anything for herself, nothing to help in the house. She wouldn’t cook or clean or even make her own bed. She slept until 2pm while her mother and father worked and her mother did everything for her to try to keep her happy.

The mother felt so resentful that her daughter wasn’t seeing all that she was doing for her and that she couldn’t go on this way.

On this very day, her daughter asked her mother to feed her, and she, the mother, couldn’t do it. She couldn’t even stand.

And instead of empathy, the daughter yelled and howled and begged.

And the mother simply said, “No.”

And the tears of 16 years began to fall to the ground, a long overdue cleansing of old hurts.

And the mother felt so sad, like she was failing her by not meeting her every need because here she was, her daughter, crying. And she was so exhausted that she couldn’t even comfort her daughter as the tears fell.

But something incredible happened that day. As the tears fell, the daughter climbed into her mother’s lap and they cried together. And the father came to be with them and he cried, too.

Sometimes, it seems, a no allows the tears to flow. The tears that they tried so long to avoid were healing tears they all needed.

Sometimes love is saying no to someone else. A no to someone else can be a yes to yourself.

Sometimes love is making room for all the feelings about the no, while still holding the boundary.

Sometimes what one person in the relationship needs is really what everyone needs.

Deep, real connection happens when we can express feelings authentically, when we don’t neglect our own needs to try to care for someone else, and when we can work together for the good of everyone in the family.

What about this story can you relate to?

Who in your family has big feelings?

What about boundaries? Can you say no with love for yourself and the other?

Can you make room for the feelings about the boundary, especially when it is with your child?

If you’d like some support with feelings (yours or someone else’s) and boundaries, check out our S.O.A.R. School. Registration is open now through September 17, 2024.

Join us! https://consciouslyparenting.com/soar

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