After Bad Things Happen: The One Thing That Matters
I’m taking a course right now on Somatics and Regulation (somatics refers to the body and regulation is about supporting the nervous system when there’s overwhelm- nerd stuff, as my husband would say) and that always gets me excited. I love to learn and I love to find new ways to express my work and provide support for individuals, couples, and families. So much of my work has been about creating a container for healing after something bad, difficult, or overwhelming happens, since that’s been part of my own story.
In my own life, overwhelming and traumatic things happened and many times I didn’t have the support I needed. It doesn’t have to be that way for you or your loved ones.
I’m going to share an idea, then a story with you. And then I’ll give you some thoughts to help you apply these ideas to your own life. See how it feels. And if it’s helpful to you, please share it with someone else.
When Bad Things Happen…
When something traumatic or overwhelming happens, naturally we often fixate on the thing that happened. Someone was in an accident. Parents are divorcing. As happened in my own story, my baby died at birth due to a neural tube defect. Stuff happens in our lives. We often can’t prevent things from happening, no matter how much we want that to be true. So that’s the first thing.
And many times we just stop there. Something bad happened.
But just as important as acknowledging that something overwhelming happened is what happens after that. If you were hit by a truck, were the first responders kind and compassionate? Or were they dismissive? What did you need that didn’t happen? When parents announce that they’re divorcing, did they really consider the children and their feelings? What do the children need to digest the news and be supported after? When a baby dies, what do the parents need? What do any other surviving children need?
Hear me out here. Sometimes even the most well-meaning people don’t do this well because they’re overwhelmed themselves. I am not sharing this to add to whatever shame or guilt you may already be feeling about something difficult or traumatic that happened.
The secret here is that this part, the part about what happens AFTER the difficult experience, can be done over again at any time.
It’s never too late to heal.
And after can mean any time after, not only in the first minutes, hours or days. It’s not a gallon of milk with an expiration date.
A Story
In June, my husband and I were back in the US from Mexico for a family emergency. That should be enough for the story, but what I want to share with you is that we were in an accident in our rental car.
The good news is that no one was seriously injured, which was a miracle.
We were in Florida minding our own business in the middle lane of US-19 in Pinellas County, USA, (iykyk) when a motorcycle came from out of nowhere at a very high speed and tried to go between us and a van in the right lane. I didn’t even see the rider until he was skidding across the road in front of us and his motorcycle was sliding across the highway in another direction. He knocked the side view mirror off my side of the car and that was the first time I knew something was amiss. I only saw a blur of blue out of the corner of my eye, which later I discovered was his helmet.
So that’s what happened. Not preventable on our part. It happened.
But then what happened? This is the part where we can do something.
Once we got through the things that happened, had our blood pressure taken, talked to the police and first responders and made it home, my husband and I went on a walk to move the energy so that we could hopefully sleep. We talked about what had happened, the first responder interactions, driving back home in a car that had been damaged, etc.
The next day, I reached out to friends who could hear me, I started drawing check-in circles for myself, writing about my experience, and coloring my weekly mandala. And then, after a few days of not really sleeping, I called my favorite body worker to support me with Cranial Sacral Therapy and lymph massage to help move the energy that was stuck in my body. I knew I had mostly recovered when I wasn’t jumping at loud sounds and my sleep returned to normal. (Thank you, Jamie!)
What happened didn’t turn into something that would impact me negatively long term because I was able to get the support I needed. I couldn’t change what happened, but I could find ways to get support after it was over.
Applying to Your Life
Can you identify something that happened that was difficult, overwhelming, traumatic? Maybe when you think of it, you still feel activated, stressed out, triggered, or you’re flooded with feelings. That means that you’ve found a great candidate to go deeper and ask some more questions.
What happened that you didn’t want to happen?
And what didn’t happen that you needed?
If you’re a parent and you remember a situation where you didn’t know what to do to support your child through it at the time, it isn’t too late! What happened that you didn’t want to happen? What didn’t happen that your child needed? Is that something you can do for them now?
Here’s a simple example:
Imagine that your child came home from school after a really rough day and you didn’t notice they were upset, so they felt unseen. And let’s say a week later, your child told you how they felt. You realized you also had a rough day and had missed what was going on for them. What happened that you didn’t want to happen? And what needed to happen that didn’t? That’s the part you can do over again now.
Doing it over again might look like this:
“Oh no! I’m so sorry that I didn’t give you the time and attention you needed when you were upset. I was really distracted from my own rough day and I didn’t notice how you were also feeling. Can I give you a hug and listen to you tell me about that day?”
This applies to more complicated situations, too. That difficult visit to the dentist, their bike wreck and the stitches at the ER, even a traumatic birth. What happened that you didn’t want to happen? And what needed to happen that didn’t? It’s about finding a way to meet those needs in a developmentally appropriate way now.
In summary:
Bad, difficult, traumatic, or overwhelming things are going to happen in life. We can’t prevent all of those things from happening to us or to our loved ones. But we can ask the simple question: what needed to happen that didn’t happen? And be curious about how that can happen now.
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