What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families Series- Day 13

Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families — *Book 1 of the Consciously Parenting series*

Earned secure attachment is a designation given to someone with an insecure attachment who integrates his or her history into a coherent narrative and works through the negative issues from the past.

One way to integrate is to tell the stories of your life in connection with someone who cares for you, sharing your thoughts, your feelings, and staying connected to your body sensations (that feeling in the pit of your stomach, for example, as you talk about your traumatic birth or your bad day at work.)

From the book Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families

Some attachment styles idealize the past (avoidant). Some attachment styles view the past through a negative lens (anxious). A person with an earned secure attachment acknowledges the good and the not so good of the past and can look towards the future with a realistic outlook- not too overly optimistic or pessimistic.

Something else to keep in mind is that the person isn’t insecure or secure, but it is the relationship that is secure or insecure. You may have had an avoidant relationship with your mother, an anxious relationship with your father, and a secure attachment with your grandmother. It’s important to look at the quality of the relationship and the capacity of the other people to be in relationship with you, in addition to your capacity to be in the relationship with them.

For some parents, the idea of sharing experiences with someone else or in a group feels way too overwhelming. If this feels like you, start by writing, drawing pictures or painting (doesn’t have to be pretty), or even recording you talking about it into your phone. Give your story space, time, and care. Make space for your thoughts, feelings, and how it feels in your body to remember parts of your story. You can also start with the parenting challenges you’re having now as a starting point and ask what those experiences feel like and when you’ve felt that way in the past. There are lots of ways to explore and integrate your story. But at some point, relational trauma needs a relationship in which to heal and can’t be done in isolation. This is true for our kids, as well.

Author

Rebecca Thompson Hitt

Rebecca Thompson Hitt, MS, MFT is the founder and executive director of The Consciously Parenting Project (2007). Rebecca loves supporting individuals and parents to grow themselves up in their current relationship challenges. She delights in empowering people to find peace and connection with their loved ones, supporting the transformation of the way we understand our connections. Her holistic approach, which includes our earliest experiences and nervous system patterns, her gentleness and compassion, and her deep listening without pathologizing, helps us to see ourselves and those we care about with new eyes, supporting the transformation needed in the world starting with our closest relationships. With over 30 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, and families, in addition to her own personal healing work raising her now young adult sons, Rebecca is dedicated to transforming our relationships stories, one relationship and one family at a time.

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