Some attachment styles idealize the past (avoidant). Some attachment styles view the past through a negative lens (anxious). A person with an earned secure attachment acknowledges the good and the not so good of the past and can look towards the future with a realistic outlook- not too overly optimistic or pessimistic.
Something else to keep in mind is that the person isn’t insecure or secure, but it is the relationship that is secure or insecure. You may have had an avoidant relationship with your mother, an anxious relationship with your father, and a secure attachment with your grandmother. It’s important to look at the quality of the relationship and the capacity of the other people to be in relationship with you, in addition to your capacity to be in the relationship with them.
For some parents, the idea of sharing experiences with someone else or in a group feels way too overwhelming. If this feels like you, start by writing, drawing pictures or painting (doesn’t have to be pretty), or even recording you talking about it into your phone. Give your story space, time, and care. Make space for your thoughts, feelings, and how it feels in your body to remember parts of your story. You can also start with the parenting challenges you’re having now as a starting point and ask what those experiences feel like and when you’ve felt that way in the past. There are lots of ways to explore and integrate your story. But at some point, relational trauma needs a relationship in which to heal and can’t be done in isolation. This is true for our kids, as well.
