What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families Series- Day 13
Book 1 of the Consciously Parenting series
Earned secure attachmentis a designation given to someone with an insecure attachment who integrates his or her history into a coherent narrative and works through the negative issues from the past.
One way to integrate is to tell the stories of your life in connection with someone who cares for you, sharing your thoughts, your feelings, and staying connected to your body sensations (that feeling in the pit of your stomach, for example, as you talk about your traumatic birth or your bad day at work.)
Some attachment styles idealize the past (avoidant). Some attachment styles view the past through a negative lens (anxious). A person with an earned secure attachment acknowledges the good and the not so good of the past and can look towards the future with a realistic outlook- not too overly optimistic or pessimistic.
Something else to keep in mind is that theperson isn’t insecure or secure, but it isthe relationshipthat is secure or insecure. You may have had an avoidant relationship with your mother, an anxious relationship with your father, and a secure attachment with your grandmother. It’s important to look at the quality of the relationship and the capacity of the other people to be in relationship with you, in addition to your capacity to be in the relationship with them.
For some parents, the idea of sharing experiences with someone else or in a group feels way too overwhelming. If this feels like you, start by writing, drawing pictures or painting (doesn’t have to be pretty), or even recording you talking about it into your phone. Give your story space, time, and care. Make space for your thoughts, feelings, and how it feels in your body to remember parts of your story. You can also start with the parenting challenges you’re having now as a starting point and ask what those experiences feel like and when you’ve felt that way in the past. There are lots of ways to explore and integrate your story. But at some point, relational trauma needs a relationship in which to heal and can’t be done in isolation. This is true for our kids, as well.
Rebecca is the founder of The Consciously Parenting Project, LLC, and author of 3 books (Consciously Parenting: What it really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families, Creating Connection: Essential Tools for Growing Families through Conception, Birth and Beyond, and Nurturing Connection: What Parents Need to Know about Emotional Expression and Bonding), numerous classes and recordings, and the former co-host of a radio show, True North Parents.
Rebecca is the founder of The Consciously Parenting Project, LLC, and author of 3 books (Consciously Parenting: What it really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families, Creating Connection: Essential Tools for Growing Families through Conception, Birth and Beyond, and Nurturing Connection: What Parents Need to Know about Emotional Expression and Bonding), numerous classes and recordings, and the former co-host of a radio show, True North Parents.
