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Principle 5: Parental interpretation of behaviors comes from both a conscious and subconscious place, resulting in positive or negative neurophysiologic feedback loops. When our child does something, literally anything, we parents make connections, both consciously and unconsciously, to things that happened in our past. Memory doesn’t work in a linear fashion; in our brain, something that happened this morning may not

Earned secure attachment is a designation given to someone with an insecure attachment who integrates his or her history into a coherent narrative and works through the negative issues from the past. One way to integrate is to tell the stories of your life in connection with someone who cares for you, sharing your thoughts, your feelings, and staying connected to

The Effect of Trauma on Attachment Trauma has a profound impact on a person’s ability to attach, particularly if the trauma occurs early in life and more so if the trauma is a relational trauma–a trauma that occurs with someone who is supposed to love and care for this person. When a caregiver is abusive or very inconsistent, many times it

Principle 4: Behaviors occur on a continuum. Behaviors in children (and parents, too) correlate to the parent’s own neurodevelopment and attachment status. The more we had our early needs met, the more our own children will develop optimally. The more difficulty our parents had meeting our needs when we were young children, or the more difficulty they had navigating discipline with

What Is Attachment? What is bonding? • Attachment is the forming of a special, enduring “emotional” relationship with a specific person (in childhood, this is usually the mother, though it can be the father, partner, grandmother or grandfather, or other special person). • Attachment is about the child’s behaviors to create connection with the parent. • Bonding is about the

What is attachment? John Bowlby’s research was the first to look at the importance of special human relationships called attachment relationships: the relationships we have in our earliest years and through which our brains are actually organized. Even though we don’t remember these relationships, the care we received or didn’t receive, along with how our parents (or other caregivers) felt about

Principle 3: Children unfold neurosequentially, and quality, connected relationships allow for the unfolding. A need met will go away; a need unmet is here to stay. Research has shown that we need consistent, loving care from at least one special person who is attuned to our needs in our early years. For example, we need to be held frequently, because in

Letting go of consequences Because we are programmed to look for the consequence from the time we are small children and to look only at the behavior, it takes mindfulness and lots of practice to start seeing these situations differently. But when we start seeing the possibility of a different outcome, we can start finding solutions that result in connection

The Importance of Connection Something that has helped me tremendously in my journey as a parent is to remember that I am doing the best I can in any given moment. And so is my child. He wants to connect with me. If he’s not, that is letting me know that something isn’t right in his world, something isn’t right

The Importance of the Relationship Principle 2: The parent-child relationship is more important than any behavioral intervention, consequence, or punishment. The bottom line is that parenting techniques that use threats and coercion are really threatening the child’s core needs for love and attention (what a child needs to survive) to gain temporary compliance. A compliant child is very different than