What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families Series- Day 8
Principle 3: Children unfold neurosequentially, and quality, connected relationships allow for the unfolding. A need met will go away; a need unmet is here to stay.
For example, we need to be held frequently, because in our early years, we learn best through physical touch (and how that person feels when they are close to us) rather than any words someone says.
The sense of safety allows us to focus on growing in all domains, rather than simply on survival.
From the book Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families
When we’ve had these basic needs met, we actually become more resilient.
Why? Because we can turn towards others when we’re in distress instead of turning away. We are actually interdependent beings, meaning we need each other to survive, despite what we’ve been told and may have experienced in multiple ways about the importance of independence. Independence arises from knowing that someone else has our back when difficult times come. Otherwise, it is just independence for survival. Independence required for survival because no one else is there is brittle and often inflexible. These are often transgenerational patterns and may be unconsciously repeated when we are parenting our own children.
Life will always have challenges, some times are more challenging that others (looking at you 2020-2022…) and what I saw over and over again was that the people who were able to turn towards others, to share what they were experiencing, and ask for support when it was needed, did better than those would couldn’t.
These patterns start when we’re little babies, but we can find age appropriate ways of meeting those connection needs no matter how old our children are or how old you are. For you child, depending on their age, it can be extra holding times, or hugs for older kids. For you as an adult, it can be as simple as learning to ask for a hug or for someone else’s time when you’re having a hard time. Some parents benefit from therapy for a time to support working through their own issues or for how to support their kids early unmet developmental needs. But if you want to do the work, you can find ways to meet these early needs no matter how old you are. Consciously Parenting offers individual/family support here and no cost Community Healing Story Circles to help you to change your patterns and create layers of support for yourself.
A need when met will go away; a need unmet is here to stay.
Get the book Consciously Parenting book on Amazon
Click to learn about the 6 month guided journey through Book 1– Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families with Jen Kobrick, HFCE
