It’s easy to look at our child (or ourselves) and judge what’s happening.They’re lazy.
They’re rude.
They don’t care about us or all we do for them.
But what if we can shift out of our own experience, our own story about what’s happening, and name the best possible reason for what we’re seeing? Or what if we can remain curious and open to what else might be happening for our child? Or for ourselves?
Not Going to School
Anna contacted me about her daughter, Lynn, who was refusing to go to school. This school was chosen because it was a really good fit for her daughter, a private school where she could dance during the school day. This school was expensive and the mother had to sacrifice a lot for her daughter to attend, so Anna was very invested in this school and her daughter’s education. But her daughter was refusing to go.
Anna took away her daughter’s phone, she forbid her from seeing her friends or doing anything until she was going to school. But her daughter just slept the whole day and didn’t go to school.
After Anna had space for her frustrations to be expressed, she had room to start looking at what might actually be happening for Lynn. Why would someone stay on the couch and sleep all day instead of going to a school she loves? Was she depressed?
As other possible explanations for what was happening with Lynn started to surface, her daughter came and joined the session to share more about how she had been really depressed and was struggling to do anything. It actually wasn’t about Anna, but what was going on for Lynn needed some more support.
They were able to come up with a plan that worked for both of them and she was back to school within a day or so.
Lynn didn’t need a consequence. She needed connection and support. And once someone got that, everything shifted.
