When my son was young and we were struggling the most, I just wanted his negative behaviors to stop. I tried to do all the things I read in books- from Holding Time to time outs- nothing really worked. In fact, it made things worse. One of my mentors pointed out that he was showing his story of his experiences and part of that story was that we were disconnected.
The more I tried to “fix” him, the more disconnected we became. The more disconnected we became, the worse his behaviors were. It wasn’t until I realized that he was showing me something about his own story and also about how I was showing up in our relationship that things began to change. Honestly, this was one of the biggest gifts he gave me. This started me on a much deeper healing journey and I am a much better person for it, not to mention that I am a much more connected mother (according to my kids). And not in a helicopter-y kind of way, but in a responsive way that respects everyone’s needs and feelings.
My son touched on some of the deep trans-generational patterns from my own family history and allowed me to work on them in a way no one else could have. When I could begin to see what was happening as a gift, our relationship was able to shift.
Now that he’s 23, I still often pause to really consider what he’s saying and how he’s experiencing me. I still have stuff that shows up in our relationship and in my relationship with my youngest son, who is 18. I am not perfect, by any means. But that flexibility and curiosity allows me to be more present with myself and with them. What a gift!
