What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families Series- Day 10

Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families — *Book 1 of the Consciously Parenting series*

What Is Attachment? What is bonding?

• Attachment is the forming of a special, enduring “emotional” relationship with a specific person (in childhood, this is usually the mother, though it can be the father, partner, grandmother or grandfather, or other special person).

• Attachment is about the child’s behaviors to create connection with the parent.

• Bonding is about the parent’s behaviors to create a connected relationship with the child.

• Attachment relationship involves comfort, soothing, and pleasure (think rocking, nursing, holding, joy).

• Distress is evoked at loss or threat of loss of the specific person.

• Safety is found in this relationship.

• Healthy relationships require both bonding and attachment to create a connected relationship! It is a two way street.

From the book Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families

Bonding and attachment are important throughout life and not just in infancy and early childhood. In every important relationship we have, there are two people. Think of it as a dance! When it is going well, it can be beautiful to watch. When it is not, more support might be needed.

Attachment and bonding are like that, too. I remember a story of a client who had a baby with special needs who joined their family through adoption. This little one wasn’t capable of really connecting with her mother (attaching) because of her own overwhelm (that had nothing to do with her mother) even though the mother was doing all the things to create a connected relationship (bonding). This mother and daughter were eventually able to learn to do their attachment dance together as the mother made sense of her daughter’s early story and why she wasn’t connecting (attaching) in the way she had hoped she would.

Sometimes we, as parents, have our own experiences that make it difficult to connect (bond) with our babies. One family had just gone through the death of the father’s brother right as the baby was coming into the world. The baby was ready to attach, but the family had an interruption and wasn’t able to bond in the way they wanted to connect. They were able to share with the baby with some support what had happened and how much they wanted to be connected to her, that they were so happy she was there. And the attachment and bonding was able to happen, just a little later than they had hoped it would.

Remember, just because the bonding and attachment might not have happened as you wanted it to doesn’t mean that it is too late to connect or to heal together.

Author

Rebecca Thompson Hitt

Rebecca Thompson Hitt, MS, MFT is the founder and executive director of The Consciously Parenting Project (2007). Rebecca loves supporting individuals and parents to grow themselves up in their current relationship challenges. She delights in empowering people to find peace and connection with their loved ones, supporting the transformation of the way we understand our connections. Her holistic approach, which includes our earliest experiences and nervous system patterns, her gentleness and compassion, and her deep listening without pathologizing, helps us to see ourselves and those we care about with new eyes, supporting the transformation needed in the world starting with our closest relationships. With over 30 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, and families, in addition to her own personal healing work raising her now young adult sons, Rebecca is dedicated to transforming our relationships stories, one relationship and one family at a time.

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