Healthy Relationships Need Boundaries: Principle 7
Principle #7- Boundaries are an important part of life and healthy relationships.
We can set appropriate limits with others while still respecting their needs and feelings if we are aware of ourselves. This is true for every relationship we have. Boundaries are critical for healthy relationships. When something isn’t safe or doesn’t feel safe to us, we need a boundary. Just as we wouldn’t let a child play in a busy street, we need to be able to say to others that something isn’t okay with us. Boundaries can be anything from “I need a minute to think about what you just said,” to “I can’t spend time with you anymore,” to “I can’t let you hurt me.” Different situations require different kinds of boundaries, and boundaries are a critical part of healing relationships with both children and other adults.
So, first, we need to be aware of ourselves, our own stories, and our own unconscious places, and to do that, we need to pause. We need to check in with ourselves and remember that our feelings are our inner guidance system and are helping us find our way. When we check in with ourselves, we can ask how we’re feeling in this situation. Is this a yes or no situation for you? Sometimes it’s easy and super clear. You’re not okay with your thirteen-year-old borrowing your car because she doesn’t yet have a driver’s license. Sure, that’s an easy no. But what’s important to notice is that the no came from inside of you—what you felt in the middle of your stomach or in the tightening of your shoulders at the thought of that happening. Those feelings and sensations probably showed up on the outside of your body, too, in your tone, volume, facial expression, and your body stance.
The next step is to take that no and move into a respectful place before you respond. From a place of regulation, keeping your expression modulated and statement sincere, your response might sound something like this: “Amy, I know you really want to take the car for a spin, but I can’t let you do that. It isn’t safe and it isn’t legal. But I’ll listen if you want to help me understand why this is coming up now.”
In real life, a thirteen-year-old who, in all seriousness, wanted to borrow the car probably wouldn’t have this conversation first. I’m using this example just to demonstrate what I’m talking about. Believe me, I’ve heard crazier real stories, but even those crazier–sounding stories and the people in them deserve the respect of someone being curious about what’s going on for them while still saying no where it’s needed.
Pam Leo, author of Connection Parenting, says that every no someone hears (notice I didn’t say “your child hears”) is a loss. To me, that means that there is often distress when a no is stated. In our culture, we often dismiss the feelings that come up, or conversely, we’ll backpedal and revoke our no. Just because someone else has feelings about our no doesn’t mean that we don’t set limits, but it does mean that we respect the feelings our child is having when we need to say no, and that allows us to not only be in our integrity, but to also stay in connection. This applies to all of our important relationships, like our relationship with our partner, too.
Wisdom in these situations is being able to connect to your own body to discern your yes or your no, and to check back in and make sure your response is reasonable—that your vision is not clouded by your own stories (see podcast episodes #23 and #24 for more details about that). Wisdom is also setting a limit when needed that is respectful of the person and their feelings. This isn’t easy, especially because most of us didn’t experience this or weren’t given this example as we grew up. But it makes a huge difference in our relationships when we can find a way to respectfully say no.
The best part of learning to say no with respect is that then your yes really means something. Ray Castellino, my mentor and the co-founder of the BEBA Center (Building and Enhancing Bonding and Attachment), says that you can’t have a true yes without a no. Think about it. If you say yes when you really mean no, your yes really means nothing. And our kids, especially, feel that. But so do our partners, friends, and colleagues. Here’s an example of what I mean: Your child asks you for another cookie. You’re about to eat dinner and the answer is really a no right now (and maybe because your child has already eaten enough sugar for the whole day). If you give them the cookie anyway, what happens? Your child doesn’t eat dinner and now you’re angry and you’ve just lost connection. Your child didn’t get a clear communication about what was really okay: they heard yes, but your body communication and the consequences later suggest that it really wasn’t okay. We often end up “losing it” when we say yes when we mean no, and that doesn’t help us or our relationships. Conversely, when you genuinely say yes and mean it, it’s felt. How powerfully this helps our relationships be authentic and clear! So, no is important, and critical, to healing. Speaking our truth is critical to healing. And finding ways to say no with respect and still create room for the feelings is also critical to healing.
I definitely encourage you to explore those places where you either need to say no or where you say no often—whether this is with your child, your partner, or someone else in your life. What happens for you in the places and moments when you need to say no? Does it happen with respect? Do you not say anything at all but wish you had later? Does your no come out with force? What did boundaries look like for you when you were growing up? Take a moment and reflect and create some awareness of your own story and what boundaries looked like when you were younger. Do you see any patterns—whether good or less than ideal?
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