Appropriate Expression of Feelings: Guiding Principle 6
We’re continuing our series of Rebecca’s revised 8 guiding principles from her new upcoming book, It’s Never Too Late to Heal, all about healing relationships in our families, couple relationships, extended family and friends, whether we have contact with them anymore or not. Today, we’re exploring Guiding Principle #6, all about the importance of space for feelings. I think this is especially true when we have a relationship that doesn’t feel good to us- we need room for our own feelings and to connect with someone who can hear us, so that there is space for the healing to happen.
Principle #6- All individuals have a right and responsibility to learn to express their feelings appropriately. Feelings allow us to connect to our internal guidance system.
We all need to learn how to handle our feelings, how to express what is going on inside of us, and to communicate our feelings to someone else without hurting ourselves or anyone else. Many of us, though, have learned unhealthy patterns of expressing (or not expressing) feelings. Perhaps you’ve had a hard day, but when a loved one asks how you’re doing, you only say, “Just fine,” instead of acknowledging you’ve actually been crying or feeling frustrated. Or when someone gives you some attention, you find you can’t stop yourself from telling that person everything that’s happened and everything you’ve been feeling. And when they try to move away or change the topic, you become even more persistent, or your feelings are suddenly even bigger than before. Or perhaps your feelings become more like a weapon and attack others, even the people you love.
We need to learn how to be with and express our feelings appropriately, if we haven’t learned how to do so already, for our own mental health and the health of our relationships. Our loved ones may not know how to express their feelings appropriately either. That may be because they are children and they’re learning, or it may be that the older individual was taught feelings aren’t okay, or that inappropriate expressions are okay.
Feelings are normal and healthy. They help us know when something isn’t right and when things are good. And feelings are a huge part of healing our relationships. We connect with each other in the healing space through our feelings, not just our heads and thoughts. When we can make the space to connect with our thoughts, feelings, and body sensations, and slow down enough to integrate our experiences with one another, healing happens.
How our feelings were handled as young children has a big impact on what we expect in our relationships and what we expect of ourselves with regard to showing or sharing our feelings and how we feel about others showing or sharing their feelings. How our feelings are accepted and embraced or disallowed and discouraged is pivotal and predictive for our attachment relationships. When feelings aren’t allowed and embraced in a relationship, there isn’t a secure attachment or connection. And because these patterns of allowing or disallowing feelings (some or all) begins in the first year of life, you may not know cognitively why you stop yourself from crying even when you’re by yourself or struggle to share that you’re feeling scared. Feelings are a primary ingredient in our attachment relationships, and our attachment relationships are patterns in our relationships that began when we were in our first year of life. These relationship patterns, particularly around feelings, are formative and become the lens through which we see and experience the world. Is it safe to express your feelings? Do you need to keep expressing feelings and having needs to always have something happening to help you stay in connection with your intimate others, even if logically you know they’re not going away? These are lessons learned early in life about our feelings and needs.
It’s important to note that the healthy expression of feelings is what cements our relationships together and takes them out of the “cognitive only” space. The feeling space is also where we hold our wounding, our stories, our humanity, and it is where healing happens. Safe and healthy expression of feelings requires slowing down when in connection, to allow our and the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and body sensations to expand and breathe and move all the way through us. Feeling cycles last only about 90 seconds according to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor’s TED talk, “My Stroke of Insight.” If we can be fully present to those feelings occurring in connection, it is the foundation of a healthy attachment relationship. And this is also where the healing happens. (See my third book, Nurturing Connection, for a complete explanation as well as stories about accessing this part of the brain when in connection with others.)
What do you think of when you think of feelings and appropriate expression? Do you hold your feelings back in certain situations or with certain people? Why?
The relationships in which it’s safe for us to express our feelings and be vulnerable tend to be the safest relationships we have. When it isn’t safe to share or express our feelings, or when there aren’t appropriate boundaries with regards to the expression of our feelings and we hurt others, it isn’t a healthy relationship. When a relationship isn’t healthy, healing is needed.
Always start by looking at and working with your own feelings. When you take the space to really understand your own process and your own needs regarding your feelings, and to understand your own story surrounding your feelings, it makes room for more empathy regarding the feelings of others. But more importantly, listening to our feelings helps us to connect with our own internal knowing, the knowing that is not just cognitive or the way we’re “supposed” to do something. Our feelings can guide us to find our own path forward, including boundaries as we’ll be discussing in the next guiding principle. Many of us have been cut off from our own inner guidance system because feelings were suppressed, ignored, or invalidated. So this reconnection to feelings is also a much deeper process of reconnecting to ourselves and our own inner knowing.
Creating a safe space for other’s feelings doesn’t mean that you have to listen to everyone’s feelings all the time. However, when a relationship needs healing, start with creating space for your own feelings, or finding someone who can really listen to your feelings, and see what shifts.
I’ll share different ways to do this with you later, but right now, can you take ten minutes for yourself and your feelings? Connect with your body and notice if you’re holding tension somewhere. Whether you find someone who feels safe enough for you to share something or you take ten minutes and write about your thoughts, feelings and what you notice about your body, take a time-in for yourself and see how it feels to you.
Something that is often confused together is the idea of a boundary and how to be with feelings when a boundary is needed. Many of us experienced someone making our feelings stop by giving in (crying because you wanted a lollipop and someone said no, then being given the lollipop anyway to stop the crying). Many of us are confused about how to make room for the feelings and still hold a boundary. In a very simplistic way of looking at boundaries, a boundary is when we say no. It might be a no to your toddler playing in the street, no to the lollipop, or no to an unhealthy relationship. Some people have no down really well. Others really struggle with it. But very few say no and allow room for feelings and respect. Making room for feelings is an essential part of healthy relationships, and boundaries are a critical part of healing relationships. In Guiding Principle #7 next week, we’ll be exploring the idea healthy boundaries.
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