What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families Series- Day 21

Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families — *Book 1 of the Consciously Parenting series*

Your Own Healthy Expression of Feelings

If we, as parents, can understand that feelings are messages from our inner guidance systems and learn to express our own feelings in healthy ways, we can not only benefit ourselves, but also model these behaviors for our children.

When we can learn that our own feelings are all right and how to move through our feelings in a positive way, we can teach our children to learn to interpret the signals their bodies are sending and accept their friendly guidance.

Parenting brings up strong feelings for most parents. As parents, we have many opportunities every day to experience feelings based on the things our children say and do. How we handle those feelings and how we express those feelings shows our children what to do with their own feelings, positive and negative.

From the book Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families

When I became a parent, I wanted to be a calm, peaceful, zen kind of parent. I was so surprised by the intensity of feelings that came up for me after my son was born and throughout his first decade of life. I wasn’t really that skilled at dealing with my own feelings and I didn’t realize how much that mattered until I became a parent.I can see now that learning how to express my own feelings benefited me in numerous ways. And as I learned, so did my kids. I started letting my kids know when I was feeling sad or angry. And I started learning how to repair when I’d messed up. I didn’t really know how my kids were taking it in until one day when my son lost his temper.

He got very angry and said some things that weren’t very nice. A little while later, he came back to me in a soft voice and said, “I didn’t handle that very well. I’m sorry that I yelled at you. Can I have a hug?”

It wasn’t exactly the words that I was using with him, but it was definitely the idea. He was listening and he was watching. And that was beautiful to see the ripples in a positive direction!

Our kids are watching us and learning from us- the good and the not so good. When we do our own work as parents, our kids get the benefit of that work without us needing to tell them, “Hey! I did this work on myself…” And that’s really beautiful all around.

Doing this work begins by bringing awareness to how you’re feeling and what’s showing up in your body. And then it’s learning to name how you’re feeling with your kids and seek support when you need it. It might sound something like, “Dad is feeling really sad right now. I don’t need you to take care of me, I just want to let you know. I’m going to go be with your mom for a little while (or call a friend or whatever is most appropriate) and then I can come back to be with you.”

This conversation varies by the ages and capacities of your kids, of course, so this is just an example. Back to you… what’s your next step for increasing your emotional literacy? What do you want to try today? Tomorrow? I’d love to hear about it!

Author

Rebecca Thompson Hitt

Rebecca Thompson Hitt, MS, MFT is the founder and executive director of The Consciously Parenting Project (2007). Rebecca loves supporting individuals and parents to grow themselves up in their current relationship challenges. She delights in empowering people to find peace and connection with their loved ones, supporting the transformation of the way we understand our connections. Her holistic approach, which includes our earliest experiences and nervous system patterns, her gentleness and compassion, and her deep listening without pathologizing, helps us to see ourselves and those we care about with new eyes, supporting the transformation needed in the world starting with our closest relationships. With over 30 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, and families, in addition to her own personal healing work raising her now young adult sons, Rebecca is dedicated to transforming our relationships stories, one relationship and one family at a time.
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