Is My Relationship Connected or Disconnected?
I wanted to share an excerpt from my latest book, It’s Never too Late to Heal: Transforming the Relationship Stories of Our Lives. We’re going to be exploring parts of the book in the Castellino Training mini-series. This excerpt will help you to know if your relationship is connected or not. See how it feels to you.
Connection
“Connection in a relationship refers to where the energetic space between two people is relatively clear. It doesn’t mean the relationship is without conflict nor does it mean that things are perfect, rather that when challenges come up they are addressed and the relationship feels good to both people.
When there is connection in a relationship, there will be eye contact, appropriate physical touch that feels good to both people, and the understanding of the humanity of the other (vs. the illusion that the other is or should be perfect, or that we need to understand everything about the other, or even must agree with everything). When there is connection in a relationship, there is open communication, especially around feelings and the challenges that arise, and things are not left unspoken or unresolved.
Generally, the feelings in the relationship are positive (happy, content, joyful, playful), but there is room for “negative” feelings like anger, sadness, and fear as well. Negative feelings don’t tend to last because there is space for connection and acceptance of the whole person, not just parts of the person. Space is made for the needs of each person/both people in the relationship, and their needs are truly considered and respected.”
A quick aside: The younger the other person, the more likely the behaviors will show the state of the relationship. But even people well into adulthood may express the state of the relationship through body language rather than words. Believe the body. Always believe the body.
So then what is disconnection?
When a relationship is disconnected, the energetic space is not clear. Rather, it is full of things that have not been communicated, room isn’t given for everyone’s feelings, and behaviors often feel unsafe.
One or both people feel misunderstood, hurt, angry, confused. Generally, the feelings in this relationship are negative, and the safe expression of real feelings and needs isn’t possible without outside support, if at all. The source of the disconnection can be one or both people—stemming from the history of one or both of the individuals, or the history of the relationship, or both.
Understanding connection/connected and disconnection/disconnected moved me out of the right or wrong paradigm and into a relational field. Instead of looking at my son’s behavior as button-pushing, as manipulative, as trying to make my life more difficult, I began to see his behavior as a communication of his internal state and the state of our relationship. His negative behaviors became obvious communications of disconnection in our relationship. Instead of punishment, it became clear that he actually needed connection with me and that he didn’t know how to move back into relationship with me (or I him).
Do you have relationships these definitions make you think about? Which part jumped out at you? How did it feel for you?
I’d love to hear what’s working and not working in your relationships and what you’d like to hear the most about next month. Hit reply and let me know!
Healing Through Story Mini-Series (Starts October 21!)
Starting in mid-October, I am offering a 4-week mini-series through Castellino Training to support deeper connection and healing in your closest relationships. It’s a rare opportunity to work with me and discover, explore, and apply tools you can use in your daily life. You can learn more about the mini-series here: Healing Through Story
Have questions about the mini-series? Leave a comment below and I’ll help answer your questions. 🙂
