Safety, Protection, and Play
Safety, Protection, and Play- Saturday, February 8, 2025
Safety, Protection, and Play don’t seem like they go together, but it turns out they’re all keys to resilience, connection, and growth! How do we support ourselves and our families when things don’t feel safe? From the destructive fires in California, plane crashes, political chaos, to ICE raids in schools, I’m hearing from many people who are feeling overwhelmed by all the pain and uncertainty. I’m hearing stories from many parents about how difficult it is for them, and also that their children are not ok. Some children are telling their parents they’re afraid. Others don’t seem to be afraid, but are acting out, causing fights with siblings, having trouble sitting still, having trouble focusing on schoolwork, and more…
All Behavior is a Communication
At Consciously Parenting, we know that all behavior is a communication. And as we’ve explored the communication of the behavior with the families coming to me or in our groups, we’re discovering direct experiences of bullying or discrimination, or an indirect experience from something they’re seeing in the media or something that happened to a friend. Even if you as the adult don’t understand where a behavior is coming from, it doesn’t mean there isn’t real a real need or that it doesn’t deserve your support and attention. Ignoring the behavior or sending them away to “calm down” won’t get to the root of the problem, so we need to do something different. But as a parent, caregiver, or grandparent who loves a child, it’s hard to know how to help them.
When We Feel Scared, We Need Support
When children are feeling helpless and scared, it touches on our own fears. We can’t use logic to make these fears go away. When we are also feeling helpless and scared for them (or ourselves), we need to create the space for someone to listen to us so that we have space to listen to our child. (This is why we value Healing Story Circles and have them as a part of our SOAR School.)
Right now, I am hearing from parents who are afraid for their children who are different- maybe they’re gay, non-binary, neurodivergent, brown. Those kinds of fears are real and they’re often not things that we can fix or tell them not to worry about.
So, what can we do?
- Listen without trying to fix it. Listen without trying to tell them that what they’re feeling is wrong, or out of proportion. And if your child isn’t talking, be with them. Listening doesn’t have to only be about words. Listen with your eyes. Listen with your heart. Play can be a good tool here, which we’ll talk about in #4.
- Answer their questions. You don’t have to give a lot of information but let them lead with their questions. They may be thinking about and worrying about very different things than you are. Share honestly without oversharing.
- Focus on what their body needs to feel safe. If your child is feeling unsafe, they’re likely in a fight, flight, or freeze response. This means that your child could be acting out by fighting (energy in the arms), wanting to run away (energy in the legs), or not really functioning well (freeze).
What can you do to help them feel safe in this moment? Maybe they want to push against something, like a pillow (fight). It needs to feel safe enough to express that energy. Maybe they need to run around the house to move the energy (flight). It needs to be and feel safe enough to run and move that energy out. For a freeze, help their physical body feel safe in the space they’re in. Ask if they’d like to be wrapped up in a blanket and given gentle squeezes or if they want to sit in a small space with you. Don’t expect them to talk if this is where they are. After they’re no longer in freeze, they may need to run or push against something. Focus on what their body needs rather than trying to get them to change their behavior right now. Teaching happens later.
- Play is your friend. It isn’t just about letting off some steam or letting them work it out on their own. Play can give them the chance to show you what’s happening. I recommend pulling out some play villains (stuffed animals or puppets like a dinosaur, a shark, a lion- whatever your child thinks are “bad” or “not nice”) and some heroes (superheroes are fun here, but anything your child feels is a helper- a horse, a unicorn, etc. In my office, I have a princess frog hand puppet that is very popular.) Invite them to show you what’s happening at school or wherever there’s stress for them. When they can play out the villain and also get to be the hero, things start to shift, and they feel more empowered. Let them direct the play. Be in whatever role they’d like you to be in. Say out loud what you’re seeing when they play. (I see you knocked the shark right onto the floor with the unicorn! I can see a smile on your face. You did that!)
- Protect Your Child. Advocate. Whether in play or real life, if you can be in the role of protector for your child, that helps. You may or may not have had someone stand up for you, but it is right and needed. In play, it can be bringing a new character in who sees what’s happening and offers to join the hero of the story (your child) to defeat the villain. (It feels really good to do this as an adult, also. Just saying.)
In real life, this may mean speaking to administration at the school or changing homeschool co-ops, or talking to another child’s parent. The important thing is that your child knows they aren’t alone with what’s happening, that you see it, and that you’re doing what you can to address it. That’s protection. And even if you can’t change the outer situation, being with your child’s feelings and experience at home matters a lot.
- Protecting Your Child from Media. Protection can also mean turning off the television to keep your child from being exposed to things that are scary for them (and you). Even if they don’t seem to be watching, they are hearing what’s on and it does have an impact on them. For older kids and teens, beware of what they’re finding online, too, and protect them from hurtful and hateful messages when you can.
- Everything I’m suggesting above can be something you can do, too. I’m serious. Find someone to listen to you if you’re struggling right now. Find answers to your questions. Listen to your body and what it needs to feel safe. Play. I swear by the puppets no matter how old you are! Advocate for yourself and your own safety. Turn off the television and social media. Get your news from sources you can read rather than watch.
What else can you do? Village Fireside
If you’d like some support right now, we are starting a new program that may be helpful for you. It’s called the Village Fireside and we’ll be having weekly calls on Tuesdays every week at 11am EST starting Feb 11, 2025. We’ve created these 30-minute calls to give you practical strategies you can use to decrease anxiety, recognize and work with trauma responses, honor yourself, your body, your relationships, and your connection to humanity. This is a global movement meant to inspire, to help you learn the most important skills for creating a healthy, vibrant world where we are all honored and valued as individuals.
At Consciously Parenting, we are independent and not beholden to rules beyond human decency and respect. We value each individual as you (and they) are, and we are focused on creating a safe space for anyone who wants to learn from others and connect in our global village. And we will do what we need to do to protect the space and keep it safe.
Your financial support helps us to make everything accessible and helps us to keep the lights on because we have no funding from anything outside of you. That also means we get to do what is right for our community. This is a low cost resource and we want to make it accessible to all.
We are going to be opening a new space in our Village in the next week for questions, support, and more in our off-Meta platform of Mighty Networks. This is for parents, professionals, individuals of all ages and life stages. We welcome you!
If you’d like to join this week’s welcome call, please sign up below. We’ll also notify you when the space opens for you to join officially. (Full disclosure, this resource is $12/mo)
