The Cultural Paradox of Feelings: Better Relationships in 2 Minutes #5

Everywhere we go as parents, the prevailing information is that we need to train our children out of their feelings and expressions. We insist our kids use words and find a logical way of expressing themselves, which in and of itself isn’t a bad idea. But when do our kids actually have the space to express their feelings?

I’m Rebecca Thompson Hitt and this is Better Relationships in 2 minutes.

When we have little babies, we’re constantly trying to quiet them and soothe them. Again, by itself this isn’t a bad thing. But can we let them express their feelings in our arms? It’s hard for us to do when it’s something we didn’t experience. It brings up feelings for us that we don’t really know what to do with and we were taught implicitly and explicitly that we’re not supposed to express.

As they grow, we distract our kids from their feelings in many ways and we punish them when they’re expressing feelings. Time-out is one way that we say, “It’s not ok to express those feelings. Go into a room by yourself and come back when you’re not upset.” We may say those words directly or indirectly. The emotional brain needs someone else to help soothe it, even as adults.

We’re wired to be in connection and to have someone be with us in our big feelings. Our culture teaches us to just shut the feelings down, but to the detriment of our emotional health. When feelings don’t have a safe place to go or when we don’t have others helping us learn how to manage those big feelings, we end up with emotionally illiterate adults. I can’t tell you how many times couples come to see me with one person who is emotionally stunted. This is not an individual failure, but a cultural problem of people who aren’t fluent in the language of feelings who pass that on to the next generation and reinforce it in social norms.

I’d invite you to just notice the ways that feelings are shut down- whether they’re yours or it’s in your family. Just notice and remember that these are cultural patterns you’re looking at and you have the power to start to shift that right now in your own family.

Tomorrow, we’ll be talking about how room for feelings doesn’t mean Lord of the Flies.

Author

  • Rebecca Thompson Hitt, MS, MFT is the founder and executive director of The Consciously Parenting Project (2007). Rebecca loves supporting individuals and parents to grow themselves up in their current relationship challenges. She delights in empowering people to find peace and connection with their loved ones, supporting the transformation of the way we understand our connections. Her holistic approach, which includes our earliest experiences and nervous system patterns, her gentleness and compassion, and her deep listening without pathologizing, helps us to see ourselves and those we care about with new eyes, supporting the transformation needed in the world starting with our closest relationships. With over 30 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, and families, in addition to her own personal healing work raising her now young adult sons, Rebecca is dedicated to transforming our relationships stories, one relationship and one family at a time.

    View all posts Holistic Family Therapist

Rebecca Thompson Hitt

Rebecca Thompson Hitt, MS, MFT is the founder and executive director of The Consciously Parenting Project (2007). Rebecca loves supporting individuals and parents to grow themselves up in their current relationship challenges. She delights in empowering people to find peace and connection with their loved ones, supporting the transformation of the way we understand our connections. Her holistic approach, which includes our earliest experiences and nervous system patterns, her gentleness and compassion, and her deep listening without pathologizing, helps us to see ourselves and those we care about with new eyes, supporting the transformation needed in the world starting with our closest relationships. With over 30 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, and families, in addition to her own personal healing work raising her now young adult sons, Rebecca is dedicated to transforming our relationships stories, one relationship and one family at a time.

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