When Families are Estranged: What to Tell Your Kids
Question: We had a huge issue with repeated disrespect and abuse from my father and we have stopped having contact completely as a result. My kids don’t understand why they can’t see their grandfather anymore and I’m not really sure how to talk to them about it. They’re still really young and telling the whole story is inappropriate at their age. What can I say?
Thoughts to Ponder: It’s so difficult when you’re dealing with an abusive family member and make the difficult decision to stop contact to keep everyone safe. Our adult brains are processing so much information, trying to look at things from many different angles to figure out what needs to happen and what the consequences of this decision are for everyone involved and that’s a full time job. It’s so important to spend the time that you need for you to talk about, write about, or otherwise share with others who get you before you talk to your kids. You need to work out some of your own feelings so that you can really imagine what’s happening from your child’s perspective and what they need to know.
Once you’ve talked about it and felt your own feelings until you feel a bit settled, now it’s time to consider what this is like from your child’s point of view. What was their relationship like? Were they close or did they see each other once a year? When will their grandfather’s presence most be missed? Is there less of a relationship (which is common in families where there has been abuse) and is your child really feeling the weight of what you’re feeling, knowing that it’s somehow attached to his grandfather. Does he think this is somehow his fault? Remember that kids are really egocentric (by design) and do believe the world revolves around them to some degree, especially if they’re under the age of 6 or 7.
The simplest story about what happened is the best. “It isn’t safe to be around grandpa. He isn’t able to treat us nicely even after we’ve told him what needs to happen, so we can’t be around him. My job is to keep us all safe and sometimes that means we can’t be around people- sometimes even family members- if we can’t be safe with them.”
Talk about what’s changing for them. “This means we won’t be seeing your grandfather on New Year’s Eve this year and we won’t be talking to him on the phone or FaceTime like you’ve been doing every few months.”
Allow space for their feelings. “I wonder if you’re feeling sad because you’re thinking about all the good times you had together. It’s ok to feel sad about this. I’m sad about it, too. I wanted you to have a grandfather who would love you and respect you and be safe for you to grow up knowing. We can be sad about that together.”
“It’s not your fault.” Name that in simple terms. “You didn’t do anything to cause this. You didn’t do anything wrong. Grandfather isn’t safe for anyone.”
If the explanation isn’t sufficient, they’ll let you know. Let their questions guide your discussion. You don’t have to share big details with a young child and I would recommend not sharing more than they need to know.
Consider more appropriate role models for your child to fill the gap with someone healthy. We want and need our kids to have lots of healthy role models in their lives. And honestly, we all need more layers of support in our community. While finding other people in the community won’t replace your father or your child’s grandfather, having others who can help to model healthy relationships and be a layer of support for you in a way that your father couldn’t have can go a long way toward healing your whole family. Be open to other grandfather-aged people being a part of your family’s life as you feel comfortable.
They’ll need to hear more as they grow. Just remember that this isn’t a one-time conversation. It will need to be revisited as they get older and need to understand more of the story. What may be inappropriate to share now may be necessary when they’re teens and young adults. It’s an important part to continue to help them integrate (connect the thoughts, feelings, and their body to what happened so they can make sense of it) and it is more like a spiral of revisiting it than a single event. You probably do the same thing when you’re working out something important and you’ll probably need the same as a part of your own healing process.
As families become healthier, many families make decisions to set boundaries to keep everyone safe. It looks different in different families depending on the circumstances, the relationship, and the ability for the boundaries to be respected. I often think of what Pam Leo said in her book, Connection Parenting, about choosing your own family. We still have the need to be connected to others AND we have a right for those connections to be safe. Look for others who are on a similar journey, including those who have kids older or younger than yours or even those without kids. The honorable Aunties and Uncles, Tias and Tios who become a part of your family and help to model healthy relationships. Healthy relationships around our families is what we all need, whether they’re blood relatives or not.
Do you have a question for me? Feel free to type your questions below or send me an email to Rebecca@consciouslyparenting.com.
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I don’t like the negative view of the grandfather. The grandfather is still the grandfather. Did you talk to the Grandfather before you resorted to estrangement? Did you suggest therapy? Or pick a location for visits which are public venues that encourage proper behavior for everyone? If the grandchildren enjoy the visits, why stop them? If estrangement is called for, why not do virtual visits, sending cards and gifts throughout the year? Have drive-by events, with costumes, or balloons or just drive with two cars, take a scenic route and talk car-to-car with walkie-talkies, phones or texts. There are lots of creative things to do which will keep the grandchildren happy with the interaction.
Hi, Judith.
Thanks for your comment and your questions.
In this case, yes. The family had been in therapy and they had tried many different things before they decided to not have contact, including meeting in public locations. The visits were not enjoyable or safe.
This article was written to explore how to talk to young children when parents have made a decision about someone not being safe. I can also tell you that this family eventually reconnected with the grandfather after he had done some of his own work in therapy. Estrangement is a last resort and not something that I recommend because someone didn’t like something someone did. But sometimes not continuing with the relationship as it was is the safest thing for all involved and can lead to a different and healthier relationship in the future.
It would be helpful if “abuse” was defined by the person who posed the question. Someone can define “abuse” as, “I simply don’t agree with your perspective and you challenge me every time this topic arises”. Or it could be that you don’t respect my boundaries and drop in anytime you want.
While I understand the painfulness of the situation, the parent pain is real too. Losing a “living” child is one of the most painful experiences a parent can face. Often times the parents do not know why they’ve been estranged. Children do not come with an instruction manuals. Most parents try their hardest to provide everything for their children. And people aren’t perfect. Most parents do their best raising children.
When there are grandchildren involved, what are the implications of estranging your parents? Especially if the grandparents who have been constant loving role models are abruptly removed from their lives? Is this teaching the children that it is okay to abandon their parents once they reach adulthood if they don’t like something their parents do in the future? .
For those children that have been sexually, physically or SEVERELY emotionally traumatized, I can understand the need for separation. But for those who can work through problems with or without therapy, I can’t comprehend parent estrangement. It is very cruel to me.
I am truly saddened that the internet bloggers & writers support and encourage parental estrangement. There shouldn’t be support to rip families apart. Family Therapy is what should be encouraged and I’m not a therapist.
Point well taken. In the families I’ve seen where estrangement has happened, there have been long-standing issues of physical, emotional, sometimes sexual abuse with that parent, and the abuse has continued on into the adulthood of these individuals in some form. And those patterns of abusive behavior have also continued with the grandchildren. These are not situations where there is a difference of opinion. I’ve seen families where there has been enough awareness on the part of the parents to do some healing and repair work, being able to hear the experience of their now adult children, and create a different relationship together. I’ve seen that happen many times. It’s a lot of work on the part of each adult and the therapist, but it can be done when everyone is willing.
Even in those situations, there is often a need for a pause in the relationship to regroup, to find new ways of relating to each other, to learn to listen to one another. Repair in these situations is a different conversation and wasn’t the subject of this particular article. I’m finishing my book, It’s Never too Late to Heal, that talks about healing these relationships when it’s possible and that’s always my first recommendation when it is safe to do so.
My life’s work is about supporting people to heal their relationships and it is always best if we can work these things out with the people we have the conflicts with. As a therapist, I spend a lot of time working with multi-generational families and trans-generational issues. Unfortunately, not everyone has the willingness or capacity to do the work.
I also agree that if grandparents have been a loving presence for their grandchildren, it can be harmful to suddenly remove that contact. These decisions should not be made lightly and do have long lasting implications. Removal of contact should never be the first course of action. I’ve seen families where there is a negative relationship between the parent and grandparent, but the grandparent-child relationship is very close and supportive. That’s a different situation than the question I was asked.
I hope that helps!
So, my wife died. Everyone lashed out at everyone else in our pain. How do I tell my granddaughter I’m not allowed to be part of the family anymore, because they don’t think my pain was a great as theirs, even though I have suffered terribly. They don’t understand the loss of a life-long friend and beloved spouse. She was their mother, I was the stepfather for 15 years, until my wife died and these adult children have kicked me out of their lives.
Hello there, Raven. I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened in your family after the death of your beloved spouse. I can only imagine the pain you’re experiencing with her loss, let alone the loss of your granddaughter and the relationships you’ve had with your wife’s adult children as their step-father. It sounds like there is a lot of pain in the family that came up when your wife died. Sometimes when a little time has passed and things settle, families can regroup and try to work through the differences with a professional layer of support. I truly hope that happens for all of you.
Regarding your granddaughter, it depends on her age and the relationship you have had with her. For a grandparent who has been very present daily/weekly/monthly, no matter the age of the child, it is important to tell her that you love her, that there is a conflict going on since grandma died, but that the conflict doesn’t change your love for her. You want nothing more than to see her and continue doing things as they were, but things have changed in the family since grandma died. You will always try to find a way to communicate with her and welcome communication from her when it’s possible. Obviously the contents and possibilities depend on the age of your granddaughter. But it is important that it is named so she doesn’t make up a story about you not loving her or that she is somehow the cause of the conflict. And you can do that without making her parents wrong or bad. Everyone is having a lot of strong feelings and things need to be worked out by the adults. That’s what she needs to hear.
And if you don’t have contact with your granddaughter at this point, connect with her energy, her essence, and send her the message from your heart. It won’t hurt and it may help you to know that you’ve done everything you can to let her know you still love her.
Wishing you all a peaceful resolution and hoping that connection with one another can happen in the future after some healing has happened.