Keeping it together, when we’re angry or depressed… for the kids

depressed-mom

Originally published on The Consciously Parenting Blog November 4, 2014


depressed-mom“I’m scaring my kids,” she said as she sat in my office one summer day. “What scares me the most is that I don’t know how to make this different for me or for them.”

This is a common theme I hear from parents. They’re feeling completely spent, whether they’re going through a rough patch with their spouse, have just begun the process of separation or divorce, or perhaps there’s stress because there simply isn’t enough support to parent effectively.

And then I hear about the other ways they’re dealing with the stress. The eating. The not eating. The compulsive exercising. The not exercising. Yelling. Drinking a little too much. Throwing things. They’re not proud.

But I hear it quite a lot, actually. And I’ve done many of those things as a way of coping with my own stress because I’ve been undersupported, exhausted, spent, angry, sad, scared, depressed. And when we’re parenting from this place, we’re bound to make poor decisions. We’re well intentioned, but we can’t quite pull off being the parents we know deep down we’d like to be.

So what’s a parent to do?

The first thing is to recognize that our brain is capable of changing. It isn’t stuck this way. We aren’t doomed to keep doing the same thing if we want to change it.

Second, we can’t always keep it together, so please don’t “should” on yourself. This is why we have apologies. Going back and recognizing that we didn’t handle something well and acknowledging it to the other person it effected is the first step in changing your brain. The next part is figuring out what you could do different, often after the fact.

Third, Rewind, Repair, Replay is a great strategy taken from Pam Leo’s Connection Parenting. When you realize you have handled something in a way that doesn’t feel good for you or your child, allow yourself to back up, apologize, and do it over again. There is something really powerful about those three magical steps. The “doing it over the way you wanted it to go” part actually helps create new neural pathways in your brain. And it models for our children what they can do when they mess up, complete with a heart-felt apology. It’s really powerful.

For example, if you yell at your child, you first need to recognize that you handled something in a way that doesn’t feel good to you and your child. This part is critical. Without seeing that something needs to be different, you can go no further. You’ll keep doing what you’ve always done because you don’t see that there’s a problem. This part can be painful, though, because you are looking at something that isn’t working. But remember, there’s power here because this pain point is also something you can change with some awareness. Try not to get stuck here. This isn’t the end.

Once you recognize it, begin by asking yourself what you need right now in this moment. Perhaps it is much later and you’ve already calmed down. What did you need then? If it is closer to when it happened, what do you need to support yourself? Some fresh air? A little walk? A run? Call a friend?

Hint:

¬†When we have big emotional expressions, we have energy that has been mobilized to keep us safe. Looking around the room, we may realize that the only visible threat is our 3 year-old. Our primitive brains can’t really tell the difference between a real threat and something we could handle differently (red light), but that’s what our thinking brains (green light) is for. Regardless, whether the threat is real or not, our energy is mobilized and needs to go somewhere that doesn’t hurt us or anyone else. So one really good question is: “What can I do to move through the energy that just came up?” Emotion = energy in motion. Move your body!

The mom in my office, like so many who have come to see me, was really upset at herself for the way she’d been behaving with her kids. This fed into her feelings about herself and created more stress and more likelihood that the pattern would repeat. But when she began to actively find a way to move through the energy instead of turning it inward on herself, things began to shift.

I spoke with her several months later and she was in a completely different place. She was smiling from ear to ear and talking about what a different place she was in. She wasn’t yelling much anymore and had started a regular practice of moving with her kids to head off the stress responses for all of them. And she had started the practice of going outside for a quick walk around the block when she was feeling angry so that the energy could move through her body without hurting anyone. She said the difference in her family was incredible.

What I want you to hear about this story is that there is always hope.

We all have the power within us to change what we’re doing and to actually use those opportunities to create more connection. Attachment isn’t about parenting perfectly. It’s about reconnecting after we’ve disconnected. That means that not only is it ok to “mess up” but that it is necessary to have those messy moments to really bond with each other. That’s the strongest glue there is in a family. Try it and let me know how it goes by responding in the comments.

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