There’s nothing more important than the relationship!
Revised Principle #2- Nothing is more important than the relationship. The relationship we have with others is more important than anything else.
We know from research that babies in orphanages who have their physical but not their emotional needs met fail to thrive and frequently die. In addition, the research of Dr. Bruce Perry, a psychiatrist and brain researcher out of the University of Texas, has found we can predict whether a child who has experienced early trauma will be able to recover in part, based on the support system and relationships available to the child.
Dr. Perry goes on to say that how our babies and young children’s brains wire up in terms of connection depends on what is happening in the brain of their primary caregiver. Beginning in the womb, our nervous systems are either being primed for connection with others or for defending ourselves. (Bruce Lipton) When we have responsive care giving in our early years, followed by responsive parenting that puts the relationship first, many of the challenges that we think are “normal” in growing up don’t happen: our family lives are more peaceful, there is more cooperation, and the challenges that do come up in life are met together, as a family/alongside each other, instead of in isolation.
Working through life together
I’ve seen this firsthand in my own family. While our lives aren’t perfect, we have the ability to work together when things get difficult or when challenges arise when living together 24/7, as has happened during the pandemic. My sons are now twenty-two and eighteen, and I can honestly say that I like them and I like being with them. I cannot say that’s always been true. It is the result of my (and our) choosing to put the relationship between us first, especially when there have been challenges.
Parent-child relationships are often filled with well-intentioned discipline that miss the point of the child’s behavior. Parents have been taught to focus on behaviors, and consequently, haven’t learned to decode what is being communicated by their child and why. When we make the behavioral intervention, consequence, or punishment more important than the relationship, we miss out on our opportunities to connect. And we need to understand that connection, from a physiological standpoint, is paramount. When our bodies, brains, and nervous systems are feeling safe and we are feeling connected, our bodies work and grow better, and learning can happen.
Further, we are designed to be in relationship. When something threatens our relationship, we are in survival mode. When we are in survival mode, we’re not thriving, and we cannot learn new behaviors other than avoidance and self-protection. It doesn’t mean that we don’t correct or teach our children. It means that we do it in a way that maintains the connection in our relationship so that our children can effectively learn more about themselves and new ways of being in relationships.
Here’s an example of what I mean:
When someone has something going on and their behavior is reflecting that (like when a child is acting crazy because he’s hungry and his blood sugar has dropped), they can be taught how to recognize those body cues and communicate (they can learn to recognize hunger and that food is needed before the behavior spirals out of control). When we recognize the need underlying the behavior, we can meet that need (in this case for food), and then we can teach while staying in connection. (“Wow! You were so hungry! I wonder what it felt like in your body when you were just starting to feel hungry? Do you remember? I get hungry like that too sometimes, and I get “hangry.” I always feel better when I eat something good for my body. How did you feel after you ate something? Better?)
Applies to Adult Relationships, too!
The choices that result in behavioral intervention, consequence, or punishment are repeated in our adult relationships too. When someone doesn’t do what we want them to do, we’re likely to withdraw our love, or react to a behavior we don’t like or that scares us with something other than the willingness to connect with a loving heart. We can unlearn these responses and choices when we start to realize that behaviors are a communication: healing happens within ourselves and in our relationships when we start to get it and start to see how our own behavior, and patterns of behavior, based on what was done to us, have affected our intimate relationships.
And there’s nothing more important than our relationships. Nothing.
When we can understand a little bit more about how we develop and grow and how the way we come into the world and are nurtured creates patterns in our bodies, brains, and nervous systems, we can start to understand ourselves and our loved ones in a different light. And the light is where the healing can happen.
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