What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families Series- Day 27

Awareness of Ourselves

When we are calm, well rested, and fed, we are probably pretty good parents. We are able to handle the little bumps in the road—the lost shoes, the dawdling child— without much trouble.

But when we’re not on a green light ourselves, we may lose patience during the minor challenges of parenting.

And when we are overwhelmed by our own life circumstances or by a situation our child throws our direction, our ability to parent in a connected way can be impaired. We need to learn to pay close attention to ourselves and our own needs and feelings so that we can model taking care of ourselves for our own children.

Sometimes the best thing we can do when we’re having a hard time is to say this out loud: “I’m having a hard time today. What do I need right now?”

And sometimes we need to let our children know (in age-appropriate terms) that we’re having a hard day or a hard time. If we’re grieving a loss, let your child know that you’re sad that grandma died. When we’re aware of our own feelings and can claim them as ours, we give our child a chance to understand that everyone has feelings, everyone has a bad day sometimes- even mommy and daddy.

By asking what it is that we need, we’re modeling awareness for those little watchful eyes and by owning the feelings, we’re showing them what healthy adults do with their feelings. This is true even if we’re learning as we go, which is true for all of us.

From the book Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families

So many parents I talk to say something along the lines of, “I’m having a really hard time, but I can’t show that to my kids.”

Parents think they can hide their feelings from their kids, that they aren’t going to perceive something is going on. The challenge is that our kids feel when something is going on with us, yes, even if we don’t say anything, and they assume it’s about them unless we tell them otherwise.

If you’ve had a hard day at work and you come home to your family grumpy, it’s likely that your child will think that whatever is happening with you is because of them- even though it doesn’t.

Our kids need us to show them how to name difficult things, days, feelings, experiences, so that they’ll know what to do when they’re having a hard time. What do you want your teens and young adults to be able to do with you? See what you can do right now to support the skills so they can name what belongs to them.

All that said, it isn’t your child’s job to take care of you and your feelings. When you name those feelings, you can say something like, “And you don’t have to take care of me. I’m talking to ____ (fill in the blank with your partner, best friend, therapist, etc.) and I’m getting the help I need.” If you don’t have enough support yet, say something like, “And you don’t have to take care of me. I’m looking for someone who can support me right now so that you don’t have to do that for me.” Name it and take responsibility for it, so that your child doesn’t feel like they have to take care of you or feel like they’ve done something wrong.

Is there something that needs to be named for your kids that’s happening right now? How can you say it in a way that names it and also lets you take responsibility for what belongs to you?

It will take practice and you might even need some support to find your way through this shift, so don’t be afraid to reach out for support if you need it! You and your kids are worth it!