Respectful solutions to your parenting challenges
So many behaviors are a mystery, especially with our kids. It often seems like they were born a certain way with interesting idiosyncrasies. Most of the time their idiosyncrasies are cute and we don’t worry too much about them. Sometimes they’re annoying. And sometimes they’re worrisome and have an impact on our relationship.
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My oldest used to have a difficult time around the holidays. It was all too much for her to take in, and she didn’t know how to tell me what it was that caused her to act so unlike herself.
On day when she was four, I took her for a mommy-daughter date to do some Christmas shopping for her dad and sister. Things seemed to be going well. We had chosen items as possible gifts, and she was about to choose which ones were the keepers. We were talking and giggling, and I thought we were having an enjoyable time together.
Then, all of a sudden, she lost it.
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Q: There are times when I have to say no to something my child wants, but I’m not sure how to handle it when my child gets upset. Sometimes I just give in and let her have what she wants, but that doesn’t feel right and it makes it harder the next time I need to say no. I hate seeing her so mad. My parents always used to say, “Because I said so!” after they used the word no with me, but I’d like to do things differently. Any suggestions?
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I must confess that when I started September 2010 with a focus on taking good care of myself, I was secretly hoping that the month would good. Fun, even. Sure, I’d have days that were challenging for me, but going at a slower pace and nurturing myself would really help to off-set the yuck I’d encountered in past Septembers. I know that I’ve really needed to nurture myself and I was hoping that if I would just take the time to acknowledge what this month is really like for me, all would be swell.
Reality check.
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My story is about the incredible power of Story Healing and how my family was able to get through a really tough time with the help of this knowledge. I am forever grateful that I was able to help my daughter (and all of us) to heal emotionally from her difficult experience specifically because of the support I received from Rebecca to do this work.
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So when you or your child has fast-tracked to red, keep in mind that, deep down, there’s a feeling of not being safe. Does knowing this change how you feel about what’s happening? Instead of asking what you can do to make a behavior stop, ask, “What do you need to feel safe? What does my child need to feel safe?” And see what happens.
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Rebecca and Lianne are back again this week to talk about how stories can help with the small hurts and disappointments of everyday life. Story Healing isn’t just a technique to be used when there is trauma, but it can be an effective tool to help move through normal tantrums and upsets.
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Realizing that early experiences do matter can often be upsetting to new parents. It’s so easy to accept blame whether we had control of the circumstances or not. But take heart, for this is not a “doomed” situation! Healing Stories is a tool that offers so much hope to families because those experiences don’t have to have a lasting negative effect.
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Maybe you can relate to my own tantrum story. This wasn’t my best parenting day and I’d like to say that it was also my worst, but it wasn’t. It’s a snapshot. A moment of time. And you probably have them, too.
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This post is an excerpt from Chapter 2 of Consciously Parenting: What it Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Families. It also includes a video of Rebecca explaining the Brain Stoplight.
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