Trouble in 1st Grade

[tarynbrook]

Hello,
Our oldest son who was adopted from Haiti almost 2 years ago is having trouble in 1st grade. He is doing great academically, but continues to have issues talking and not listening in class. We try our best to prepare him each morning for a "good" day at school, but it only works every other day or so. The phone calls and notes home are discouraging as we're doing all we know and wonder if some of these behaviors are outside his ability to control. Some of the things seem very petty as well, for instance he was written up for bringing a golf ball to recess, or blowing a paper back and forth on his desk with another student... none of his actions are mean spirited, he's a really sweet boy, just too social and spunky, but what 6.5 year old boy isn't!? He was institutionalized for two years and his little body was exposed to numerous parasites and high levels of lead for nearly 5 years... I'm amazed at how far he's come, yet he's starting to feel like a "bad" kid and not enjoy school which makes us very sad. How should we approach his teacher, I've told her all of what I just shared with you, yet she hasn't been to open about what weight this has on the way she interacts with him. I don't want to be too pushy, yet I know I'm his only advocate as well... thanks for any advice!
Taryn

[Ryan]

The teacher sounds like she is doing what she was trained to do and what works in controlling the behaviors of around 85% of her students. The key words there are control and behavior. Your child is in the 15% of students that the traditional interventions do not work. The teacher is most likely a caring and warm individual and believes that she is doing what is best for your son. As a result, it is typically difficult to change what a teacher does in her classroom.

Here is something to consider in your approach to the teacher: think of the teacher as your partner in the education of your son. As the mother of your son, you know what works and what doesn’t. You understand the impact of past trauma on your son. You spend much more time with your son than anyone else. The teacher may consider herself an expert in education, but you are an expert in educating your son. You are the teacher’s partner in the education of your son. This paradigm may be difficult for the teacher to accept. It is however, what a large volume of research says is effective. Your opinions and ideas are to be respected and if the teacher doesn’t respond in an acceptable manner. Try again, and again. If necessary, ask her to arrange a three-way conference with the principal (another of your partners) so that more interventions may be made available.

I feel the key is that you see yourself as your child’s most important teacher. Try to come from a place of wanting to work together with the teacher to educate your son to help influence what happens at school.

Regards,


Ryan

P.S. In my office I have a framed letter from my kindergarten teacher outlining similar concerns about me and asking for my mother to “please assist in this matter.”

[tarynbrook]

Hi Ryan, Thank you for writing back! I appreciate your advice and will take it to heart. Very funny about your framed letter in your office, maybe I should start a scrapbook for my son with all his notes:) Good to hear trouble makers find success too!
Taryn

[Annie]

I am just wondering if he might be in the wrong place? I have adopted four from Russia, and I have found that dealing with tthe trauma of the adoption plus learning a new language takes quite a lot of the developmental capacity and my children were not "ready" emotionally or academically for the "age-appropriate" grade level. My son who I adopted at 5, started kindergarten at 6, but even then, he really wasn't ready. He missed a lot of what he needed to learn in kindergarten and in first grade, then in second grade though I was strongly feeling by the middle of first grade that he should be held back. That school was strong about not holding back ESL students, so I had to move him to a private school. Now in second grade (just having turned 9), he is exactly where he should be. Academically, socially and developmentally he is clearly where he belongs. Back in kindergarten and first grade, when he was NOT where he belonged we got the same sort of actions and reactions your son is getting.