Meeting night time needs

[Rebecca]

The article I just posted about children needing touch and attention being counter to what we believe and practice in general in our society and reading that the researchers at Harvard are recommending co-sleeping or sleeping in close proximity and comforting our children when they are upset is enough to make those who normally don't stop and think about it to do so.

It brings up the question of night time needs. I know many families struggle with this, especially with the push-pull between their own need for sleep as a parent, meeting their child's needs, and society's perceived expectations about what is appropriate for children, and what children really need to grow up to be healthy adults. There is also the internal messages of wanting to meet baby's needs with the external pressure from others to make baby more independent. How do you handle this? What is the most difficult for you? How have you seen others handle these issues? What had you struggled with regarding this subject in the past that you have now resolved about it? How did you come to that resolution?

This is a complicated issue and one in which there are no one-sized fits all answers. I encourage you to share what is working for your family and what is not so that everyone can learn from this discussion. I have heard of some very creative solutions to this issue that meet everyone's needs.

Please feel free to share wherever you are on this important parenting subject. I look forward to a great discussion!

[Lianne]

For us, we LOVE co-sleeping. I remember one time Allen fell asleep on the futon while we were watching a movie or something and I suggested we leave him and go to bed and he'd get up and come in when he woke up. DH said no way, he couldn't stand to leave him in the room just outside our bedroom, even for a few hours! I love my DH. :)

Since birth, Allen has shown a definite need to know we are there. He has and always does turn his body if he needs to reach me in the night - frequently he ends up 90 degrees from where he started, which makes our king-size bed feel small. LOL

People are often surprised when I say he sleeps with us, when it comes up. I don't hide it and say it proudly, and as if it's the most natural thing in the world, because to us it is. We have a twin bed set up at the end of our bed and sometimes he will go there to sleep but usually he sleeps right next to me. I just tell people that we love it and that he'll move out when he's ready. I think being confident makes all the difference and they just leave me alone. Sometimes people would ask if I worried about rolling on him when he was newborn, and I just (confidently, again) said no way, not a chance it would happen, that I'm very aware of him while I'm asleep and that I couldn't sleep worrying about him in another room anyway. They've always let it go.

[Annie]

I suppose this is what we are doing....as much for me as for the kids. Our two youngest (Anastasia 10, Zhenya 9) sleep in our room with us. Anastasia usually sleeps next to me, with Zhen in a small bed... Occasionally, for a "treat" - or, as was the case last night - we were stuck out in the cold for a long time and all really chilled, the two kids sleep in the big bed with me in the middle. (Daddy takes the little bed.) I love this and have the feeling that they will naturally gravitate to their own beds, or rooms.... But, little doubts creep in. I hope I'm not creating crazy kids. My two older kids slept in our room with us off and on, but not in the same bed. Yet, I love snuggling them. ???

[Rebecca]

Hi Annie,

Nice to "see" you back!

It is certainly easy to let those doubts creep in as children get older, but I assure you that they will eventually be ready to move out into a space of their own. Adopted children, in particular, are not necessarily going to do things developmentally according to their chronological age, but rather closer to their emotional age, which tends to be lower than their chronological age (for most, but not all adopted children). So, your children may need to stay in closer proximity for a longer period of time and that may seem scary, but know that a need when met will go away. Just tell yourself that as much as you need to. They also need that physical contact that they missed early on... and you also missed with them. When they're ready to move out, they'll tell you. And that's something to celebrate!

If they had any night time traumas, which happens many times with children who were in foster care or an institutional setting, it would also take addressing the trauma. Not sure if this is the case for your children, but I thought I would mention it. In that case, it would take more than just simply your presence to help them move forward emotionally into a place they would be ready to truly be on their own. Just something else to think about.

That is really a wonderful thing that you are able to meet everyone's needs at night, Annie. Thanks for sharing your experience!