alcohol

[Denise]

Natasha, 14, got caught by the police for drinking!!!! She tested at 0.10. I found out that her and 3 other girls were drinking vodaka, although they prefer whiskey. She was spending the night at a friends. She was not allowed at friend's houses without adult supervision (the mother is a nurse and works all kinds of weird hours). The mother was working, she has no father and she claims they got the alcohol from another teen.

I totally misjudged my child. I have a feeling things are going to get MUCH worse before they get better. She has a lot of anger issues and I guess, choose to deal with her issues by excaping with alcohol. Right now, my trust level with her is a 0. It is going to take a lot of time and changes within her before I can begin to trust her again.
My problem is my child has always rebelled against what she sees as me controlling her. The more she feels control, the more she will push away!

I now wish I would have following my instincts and did more checking up when they spent the night at this girl's house. She already felt like I was too controlling because I insisted on knowing her information on where she was. Apparently, most parents here let their kids run on their own in high school. Not me!

Natasha is a good child that has choosen to make a lot of bad decisions. She tends to have to learn things the hard way.

Do you think phone counseling for a teen would be as effective as person to person?

[Rebecca]

Hi Denise,

Wow! What a situation to find yourself in with your daughter. Sounds like it was totally out of the blue and was quite a wake up call for you. This really speaks to the state of your relationship with your daughter. This says that she isn't able to come to you and talk with you about what is going on with you, so the lack of trust is mutual. This tells me that she is overwhelmed with what is going on with her and that does mean that you're going to need to make her world smaller for a while so that she isn't so overwhelmed, even if this makes her angry at you.

When you have a teen who is acting out like this, it is vitally important to reach out to her and find a way to connect with her on a regular basis. But before you can do that, you need to deal with your own feelings about what has happened in a constructive way. Journal, talk with others who can hear you, post in the forums... but I would suggest that the anger that you're talking about with your daughter is also your anger. I can't think of many parents who wouldn't feel angry with the turn of events, but what does this bring up for you? What are your fears about this? What has happened in your own past that this brings up for you?

As far as phone coaching with a teen, I'm sure you could do that. I have done some work with teens on the phone, but only if I am already working with the parents. But I'd recommend phone coaching for you and your husband, if he'll participate, to guide you on creating a positive relationship with your daughter based upon where you are now as the priority. It is through relationships that we heal and the parents are the key to that process.

If you do seek counseling for her, I'd recommend finding someone who she connects with and who would encourage you to be a part of the process as her parents. Someone trained in marriage and family therapy would be someone to consider if that is a possibility.

My thoughts go out to you and your family during this difficult time. Please post and keep us updated about what happens for you and your family as this process unfolds.

[Denise]

Natasha has talked with the school counselor. We also are going to be talking to our pastor. I've heard that the school lectured the kids on the evils of alcohol.

I do know that we need to work on our relationship. The last couple of months, I have been working a lot, especially on the weekengs. I have been dealing with my issues for years, but will focus more on the alcohol issues. I get together with a therapist regularly. I did drink as a teenager and my father was a working alcohol. He still supported his family well, but had a drink or two most nights.

Natasha also has a stong need to "fit in" with her peers. She sees her peers drinking, especially those a couple of years older and feels like she needs to drink also. I don't think she will feel open to talking with my therapist. I'm hoping to find an adult that she can talk to that both of us can trust.

Thanks for your help and support!

[subiewon]

I have not looked at the teen pages for a while. I loved the discussion on disagreements and making your teen a priority, rather than giving more priority to all the fears of what can happen to a teen. Denise, i noticed my three girls are the same age span as yours, only they are all one year younger, 13, 10 and 5. Thought i would chime in. I grew up with a grade school that taught every negative physiological aspect of drug and alcohol use to the point of FEAR, then a high school that practically condoned drinking, or looked the other way. Plus, my dad was an alcoholic, to throw in a bit more complexity. I have examined my own involvement with alcohol a lot. I drank as a teen because i thought it might be cool, might be an "adult" thing to do, and because it was pure escape. I was also frustrated, and stopped from doing what i wanted to do most of the time. So i settled on things. Things i kind of liked but they were never my purpose, or passion. I think a big part of raising my teen is to get that passion and purpose that every soul has, and looking at what the teen wants to do with it. That doesn't mean my solving their problems. (tried that.) But there is another aspect of drugs and alcohol to me, and i may be extreme in this regard. I always think back to that book Kids Are Worth It, by Barbaray Coloroso. She asks the question when deciding on a child's request, Is it morally, physically or spiritually harmful? I'd say at the least that alcohol use can be physically harmful. Most binge drinking occurs in hidden underage scenarios. So, i don't feel pressured into allowing a child to participate in underage drinking b/c it cuts off their social life. I would be inclined to examine that particular "social life," which would be pretty unhealthy. i think back on my drinking and how i thought "everyone was doing it." In recollecting my experiences, i realized there were a lot of kids who did not get drunk in their cars before showing up for a dance. There were lots of kids who followed the rule of no drinking. I just wasn't seeing it at the time. And i used the "everyone does it" as justification for my own misjudgement. and i amazingly hid it all from my parents so they never knew.

i'll have to knock on wood here, but i haven't encountered this with my dtrs. My oldest is 13 and we still homeschool. I still check heavily into party situations. Controlling? i dunno, maybe. I prefer to call it responsible. :) Here is to lots of learning while raising teens!
Susan in Clearwater

[Denise]

Things are going better with Natasha, not perfect, but better. No over nights have helped a lot!

My daughter and I have been seeing a counselor, who has instilled the philosophy of the Consciously Parenting Projects to a deeper level. He has been helping me communicate better with Natasha “as her mother.” There is a book called, The Way Mothers Are, by Miriam Schlein that says “you don’t think I love you just when you’re good, and stop loving you when you are naughty, do you? That’s not the way mothers are. I love you all the time, because you are mine.” So I’m working on making that connection with Natasha. Stopping everything I’m doing and talking to her from the heart.:heart I’m working on getting connected to my feelings. I also have known for a while that I have control issues. I now see the harder I push, the more she pushes back. This has definitely been a pattern in our lives. The more independence she has, the less “control” I have.

I have also seen how we live in a bullying society. We “force” our children to do things because of our fears. Our children are inundated with dysregulated adults who bully them, then wonder why our children bully their siblings and other children. I see how society is becoming aware of this and am excited to be one of the pioneers is showing people that there is a better way to treat our children.

I also see how important it is to stay in contact with like-minded parents. Thank you for this forum, Consciously Parenting Project! I have learned so much by taking the classes, reading books, these forums, and by the One Brain sessions. I continue to focus on living my purpose and know that each day is a special gift, one to be used with gratitude for all that I have been given.

Oh, another thing we have in common. I homeschooled Natasha until she started 7th grade. Actually, we mostly “unschooled”. She is now a freshman in high school and is taking all honor classes and doing very well in them! :clap

[subiewon]

I love that book The Way Mothers Are! I read it all the time for my older two. Should get it out for my youngest. I enjoyed the update. Sounds like you and your dtr are connecting in a great way. Thank you for being one of those pioneers working to shift the parenting paradigm! It's inspiring to hear about and learn from.:wave