Leaving Toddler Overnight (and then some)

[Lianne]

I would love to hear your experiences with leaving your toddlers overnight. How did you prepare them? How did it go? What would you do differently?

I am planning a trip in a month. I will be gone 6 nights. My parents are coming down to keep Allen during the day so he'll have his house and everything normal, and his daddy will be home after work. He sleeps with us so he'll get to sleep with Daddy which is normal. The only thing that will be different is I won't be here.

I haven't left him overnight yet. I have been gone a few times and Daddy put him to bed, and it went fine. He has woken up several times when I was gone and done pretty well - it's certainly gotten easier and easier lately for me to be gone and him to stay with his daddy.

He also ADORES my parents and is always very comfortable with them; there's not even a warm-up time with them, he just runs and hugs and when they are here he barely even knows I exist, except that I know he does ;) I'm sure it won't be EASY for him, but I feel like I am really setting up the best possible scenario for him - the family members he is most comfortable with, his own home, daddy to sleep with, etc. Just no mama. He is still nursing some but not too frequently and not to sleep - he puts himself to sleep.

He does really well with preparation for things - like tonight, we're going to a Christmas party and leaving him at church with a bunch of other kids he knows. I brought it up three days ago and he didn't like the idea, but now he is excited about going and knows we're leaving but will come back and get him. So obviously I will give him a TON of time to prepare and talk about me going on a trip (DH has also taken several trips and he has done fine understanding that). I'm wondering about ideas to help an almost-three-year-old understand time concepts like days. I thought about starting a calender thing where we look at it each day and talk about the days, and then when I start preparing him for my trip, we count down to that, so then my parents and DH can talk about counting down to when I get home.

Thanks for further advice and ideas :)

[Sharonanne]

I think the calendar idea is great. :)

Joey's been left without me more often than I'd like, starting when she was about 8 months old. So we don't do a ton of preparation now that she's a toddler. The last time, when she stayed with you guys for a couple days, we just talked about how Mommy and Daddy were going to go to "work" and she'd get to play with Li-Li and Allen, and she was fine with it. (Remember, she was even laughing and playing as we were walking out the door. So weird LOL)

I do love the calendar idea, though, to start to give a sense of time....that rocks. If I think of anything else, I'll let you know :D

[Rebecca]

Lianne,
I wanted to start by saying that you are setting this up very well. Choosing his grandparents who he loves and has a good relationship with is excellent, as is keeping as much of the rest the same (having dad there, night time route staying the same, etc.).

Talking to him ahead of time in very general terms would also be a good idea. Cognitively, he may or may not understand the calendar, but it certainly isn't going to hurt anything. Talking to him about what to expect a few days before you leave is also important, but I wouldn't bring it up too far in advance since it is still difficult for a child of his age to really grasp the idea of time. I would encourage you to determine a schedule for calling him (plan on at least 3 times per day) and letting him know that he can call you (making sure grandparents know this, too.). He can't really understand what 6 days means, but he can understand that he'll talk to you when he wakes up in the morning, then again after lunch, and before bed (or something like that). Keep it really basic. And tell him that you'll be back. He has a good strong foundation of attachment, so he'll understand that at a deep level.

The hardest part is going to be with your own feelings about leaving him. I remember the first time I left both my boys overnight. I didn't sleep well at all worrying about them. I thought I would just feel so great having the whole bed to myself, not being woken up by anyone else for any reason, etc. So, spend some time with that and really get in touch with your own feelings about leaving him. Reality is that you will probably miss him more than he misses you (ouch!) because he will be really busy the whole time.

You might consider spending the night away one night before you fly far away to see how everyone does, knowing that you're nearby. I was able to do that before I left Josh for 5 nights this past spring to go to AZ and I was really glad I had. I felt more at ease, really feeling that he was going to be okay. That allowed me to more fully enjoy my time away.

The first time I left Josh was right before he turned 3. He did okay until the morning when he woke up and found that I wasn't there. He cried for a little while before Ryan got him calmed down. But he did get him calmed down and he was doing fine by the time I called to check on him. For me, really seeing that Ryan could handle his upset helped me to relax and let it go. I just wanted to make sure he'd be okay and he was.

Best of luck on your trip! Let us know how it goes!

[Lianne]

Thanks :) Yes, my mom is awesome and will let him call me anytime he wants. We have two cell phones that I use and I'm planning to just leave one so they can call me anytime and not worry about it (it's free). The schedule is a great idea too.

I have been thinking more about it, of course, and last night came to some of the conclusions you posted. Weird! I realized that I am not really all that worried about him, but more worried about how I will feel. I am going to miss him like crazy! LOL I have also thought of spending a night away beforehand but not sure how/when that would work. I might just try being gone at bedtime and then gone again in the morning, and maybe sleeping in the other room. That is basically the same thing to him and I could work it out easily.

DH Allen isn't worried about it at all, which is encouraging to me. He actually brought this up with him a few days ago - just said Nana and Grandpa are coming to visit so Mama can go on a trip. Allen said, "Sounds like fun!" LOL And he KNOWS what it means to go on a trip. So who knows, maybe he'll be begging me to go on trips more often LOL.

Last night we were talking in general with some friends about Allen and his attachment and stuff, b/c I don't leave him often. DH Allen was saying that when he gets hurt or scared and I'm here, he usually asks to nurse. But if I'm not here, he will ask for a drink of water and then say he feels better. I love that DH knew what to do to help comfort in his own way, you know? He is such a good daddy. :) Really it will probably be great for their relationship to spend some time together without me. I know he is a different kid when mama is around.

Thanks :D

[Lianne]

Well I have an update :)

Allen was well-prepared for my trip and though he was sad when I left, he was fine within 10 min and had a BLAST with my parents and his daddy while I was gone. He never asked to call me, and even said he didn't want to talk to me when I was on the phone. I noted that - figured he was dealing with his feelings and that it was a good sign overall. I did talk to him the night before I came back and it was good, he sang to me and said he was excited I was coming home.

I came home early though - because I missed him too much to stay away so long! I really felt like my heart had been left in FL while I was in NJ. I loved spending time with my friend and her family and am glad that I went, but it was just too hard to be away from him.

So when I got back he was asleep, and I did wake him when he stirred during the night. He said, "Mama, you're home! I missed you so much! I want some milk!" :lol He latched right on, no problem.

The next day I prepared myself for him to have some feelings come out, since I knew he hadn't been upset at all while I was gone. I ended up being gone for 3 nights, by the way. I figured that we would need lots of reconnection and that he may have some big emotions. At first he didn't, it was as if I'd never left, and I almost stopped waiting. But then he did have a moment where he wanted to pretend to be a baby and I held him while he did this little fake squeaky cry thing he does sometimes when playing babies. Later we took a shower (he normally showers with me) and that was really nice, lots of skin-to-skin contact. We ended up draining the water heater so at that point we HAD to get out, and he lost it - he cried and said he wasn't done, etc. I wrapped him up and we snuggled in bed for a long time and he nursed and then fell asleep. Clearly he really needed the reconnection and that crying was really good to get those feelings out. Before he fell asleep I asked him if he was sad, about the shower being over, and then about Mama going on a trip. He said yes, but that he feels better now. Then he slept for a good hour or so. The rest of the day was great - he was a little clingy but I just held him and tried to honor his feelings and meet the needs as they came up. Today has been totally fine, like back to normal, not even any clinginess. Sometimes when he's playing on his own I will hear him make his toys say things like, "I'm sad b/c I miss my mama, she's on a trip, but she's coming back soon." He seems to be really dealing with all of it well and he knows he's safe to share his feelings - that is the thing I kept telling him too when he was crying, that he was safe, it was ok to feel sad and to cry, and that Mama is here and will hold him.

SO that's it. My recommendation for anyone planning to be away from a little one is to plan the trip to be short! :lol Once I knew I was coming home earlier I was totally fine and enjoyed my time with my friend, helping her with her new baby and toddler and everything I wanted to go to do for her. I thought I was prepared for being away from my little one, but my goodness, it hit me a lot harder than I could have even anticipated. Attachment is a very strong thing on both sides!!