Setting boundaries

[Rebecca]

What questions or suggestions do you have to share about setting boundaries with your children? How is it for you to put the relationship first and not give out a consequence? Are you able to use time-in to help your child to regulate when misbehaving? What examples do you have of situations that need to have a boundary, whether you have it figured out or not how to implement. Please share your ideas, experiences, and questions here.

[sbeardslee]

I'll be camping out by the computer waiting for some suggestions on this one. This is one area (of many) where I am really struggling. I can't seem to get the consequences out of setting boundaries. My son's therapist and I got into a heated discussion about this today (I'll be posting about this later). She thinks I'm not being firm enough with him, but she thinks he needs consequences too. She obviously isn't BCI trained, although she has read my BCLC book. It's apparent she doesn't agree with a lot of it...like the lack of consequences for example!
I'm so anxious to hear from suggestions from others!
Shari

[sbeardslee]

Me again...my biggest struggle with boundaries is when my son is physically aggressive....hitting me, kicking me, throwing things at me...you get the picture! He doesn't want "time in" he wants to continue pummeling me...or so it seems. He is also aggressive towards his little brother although that seems to be improving slightly.

Shari

[vsbieber]

Hi!
My understanding of BCI and setting boundaries is That Time In is for the child and that Time Out is for the parent or caretaker. First we need to breathe in order to help our child reguate, we first need to be regulated ourselves. The thing of an airplane seems to come to mind in the instructions of if the plane is coming down to get your oxygen mask on and then you can help others. So simply put on your oxgen mask and then you can help you child get his/her on .
This is an interesting topic and I am looking forward to read what others have to say too.

VirLinda

[Rebecca]

My newsletter, which will hopefully go out today, has the Q&A about this topic. It does give some suggestions and ideas for setting limits. It is a bit like learning a new language and, as one of my clients pointed out, we may always speak with a bit of an accent.

Physical aggression is one of the most challenging for many parents because there is an element of fear within us when our child starts acting out. We're afraid they are going to hurt themselves or someone else, sometimes us. This puts us automatically into a reactive place and we just want that behavior to stop. The shift happens when we realize that it isn't about us and the best way to keep everyone safe is to connect with that dysregulated child. Of course, it isn't always easy and I recommend working to connect before it becomes aggressive physically. But in the moment, we need to focus on the child and not the behavior. Easier said than done, I can assure you from personal experience. It takes having a calm amygdala (that's the part of the brain responsible for fight, flight, or freeze responses) to calm someone else.

When you are calm, you can speak directly to what your child must be feeling (that really made you mad) and express it at the same level of intensity that your child is expressing it. When a child is that dysregulated, they are no longer hearing your words, according to Dr. Bruce Perry. Tone of voice, being calm, yet firm with your words, acknowledging with your voice how upset they must be right now. Meeting them where they are in that moment will help them to return to a more regulated place where you can eventually have the conversation about what to do when upset, where you can practice using words to express feelings appropriately and learn to return to a more regulated place on their own. This is, after all, the goal of parenting. We want our children to learn to self-regulate, so they can regulate their own bodies, feelings, and behaviors. But they need us to help them learn it.

Aggressive situations are an opportunity to meet the child right where he is and help him learn to recover from dysregulation and stress, which is a life skill we all need. The boundaries are difficult to enforce in the midst of physical aggression if we just try to stop the behavior. We may need to make their world small for a little while, which is also a boundary. We may need to limit the activities that lead to more dysregulation.

When we see that the aggression stems from dysregulation and that a dysregulated child needs help calming down, it doesn't make sense to punish the child. Teach the child, yes. We need to teach the child to calm themselves down and to find other solutions to problems, but that needs to come when the child is calm. Punishments and consequences are not equal to teaching. Teaching and learning happen when there is not fear, not through fear.

Please share your experience with your therapist, Shari. I know others want to hear about it, too.

I look forward to more discussions on this topic. Has anyone else worked through aggressive behavior in ways that don't include consequences?

[kmjjer2911]

Oh yes - I am becoming an expert in this area - yea or boo hoo? Just kidding! Shari, I have some idea of where you are (this is Kathy again - hi!)

We just came off the highest week of dysregulation of our lives for each member of our family as of Friday, November 7. And guess what, Saturday and Sunday have also shown to be our son's two best regulated days in over 3 years!!! He actually could love and accept both my husband and I at the same time this weekend - he was totally unable to do that for 3 full years.

Short story of what happened:
- had a very dysregulated visit with a new psychiatrist - triggered enormous fear and rejection in our son.
- I was at the top of my WOST and very very afraid of what the psychiatrist did and did not say.
-Our son had the most intensive aggressive rage toward me ever that same night - not a surprise.
- We have not given ANY not even one consequence for aggression or dysregulation of any shape or form in 6 months - seriously. We might do a lot of "sighing" and frustration emoting but no consequences.
- FINALLY, I think I am starting to understand this paradigm.
- Prior to my understanding, we would "try" to be calm and quiet and not scared. And as I just went through the motions, I eventually learned what "being present" is. It obviously cannot be forced.
- Our son is still easily triggered into aggression but he has also had his trauma re-triggered quite often in the last 2 months.
- This is how I respond now when his dysregulation moves into aggression, first if he is just verbally aggressive, I have found that our son needs us to completely stop talking immediately and just breathe. We get very quiet and breathe - no kidding. And I don't even look at him in those minutes. If he can breathe, he will self-regulate and actually says "I am sorry. I feel......" If he short-circuits into aggressive attacks, then I respond by matching his emotional intensity and at the same time say "YOU ARE REALLY MAD, you really want to hurt mommy, you are so scared, you are so upset." Then I get quiet for a little bit - maybe a minute or so. And in the past two weeks, he has absolutely backed off in less than a minute with his aggressive attack except for the other night after the psychiatrist visit and well, that is totally understandable.

- So with our son it is a dance. Sometimes getting quiet and just breathing if he has not yet attacked or if he is moving into physicaly aggression, then we match the emotional intensity. It is truly awesome, it is as if my matching his intensity, he totally feels understood and heard. When I am tired, frustrated and not "present" - our son knows it immediately and continues the aggression. So on the night of the psych visit, I was totally in a scared place, exhausted and absolutely no where close to having a strong amygdyla. Actually, his aggression stopped that night after 20 minutes only because he had to go to the bathroom. He went to the bathroom. And I imagine he had to breathe in there even if it was not deep, deep breaths, he was in a calm, small space and that was enough to calm him down. He came out of the bathroom, climbed in my lap and cried and I cried and told him how much I loved him. It was awesome. I was tired and drained because he had been really pulling my hair and spitting on my hair...not fun but I did not get angry at the aggression but ALSO I was not connecting with him either because of where I was emotionally. At that point, I just wanted the aggression to end. All the other times in the past two weeks, I have connected, matched emotional intensity and it is as if a switch is turning off and on in our son's head.

Anyway, I'll post again because I have two awesome examples about sticking to boundaries, setting the limits and then just empathizing with his pain as I stuck to my "no" about something. See the next post.

Kathy

[Rebecca]

Thanks for sharing your example, Kathy. We'd love to hear more about the sticking to the boundaries when you get a chance.

Another example from my home laboratory. This morning, my son got onto the computer while I was still in bed- something that we have discussed previously as something that is not allowed for him to do before school. He gets very dysregulated when he plays computer games and so it isn't something that is an acceptable way to start the day. I noticed it, but by the time I made it into the room, he was already off the computer and completely dysregulated. He spent some time yelling about us not being ready to go (he likes to be to school early or he feels like he's late) and he did a lot of blaming (I wasn't ready, even though he wasn't ready and I had been helping him). I didn't say, "You weren't ready, either." even though I wanted to. I didn't focus on his yelling or his blaming. I didn't take it personally that this is where he was. He had gotten himself into his current emotional state and there was no reason for me to add to it in that moment.

So, I did my best to remain calm and regulated so that I could help him calm himself before I dropped him off at school. After school today, we'll talk about what happened this morning when he is able to learn and to hear what I have to say. I will connect before I say anything else: how was your day? What was the best part of your day? kind of thing. Then I will bring up this morning and how he felt this morning, helping him to come to the conclusion that the computer affected his ability to think rationally and to remain calm, which made us later for school than he would have liked. Then we'll come up with a plan together for how to handle things tomorrow so that he starts the day off more calmly.

If I had tried to have this conversation with him this morning, he would have only been able to see that it was my fault. When we talk this afternoon when he is regulated (and it might have to be even later depending upon the kind of day he has at school today), he will be able to have that discussion and see how he can make it different for himself tomorrow. The boundary will be reiterated along with why (no computer in the morning because it is dysregulating for you), not delivered as a consequence (As a consequence, it might sound something like this: "You were completely unreasonable this morning and I can't believe you yelled like that and blamed me because you were late- no more computer time for you!!"), but as something that we are both working toward a solution (being on time for school, getting him to school regulated and ready to learn).

He can have his feelings about no computer time in the morning, but that won't change the boundary.

By remaining calm, I was helping him return to a state of calm so that he will be able to do that for himself in the future. That is more important than me being right in that moment. We'll still have the conversation about the behaviors later when he is able to learn and hear what I'm saying. It doesn't mean that his behavior was acceptable. It just means that that was where he was this morning and that was the best he could do right then. He needs to learn to calm himself so that he can pause before acting, which means that I need to be able to do the same and model it for him. A tall order for someone for whom this was not their templates growing up.

Just thought I'd share to give you more of an idea of what this might look like. Please feel free to ask any questions that come up. This isn't how most of us were raised and it takes a while to wrap your brain around it all.

[booboo]

I believe that when I am saying "no" to my kids it is one way of setting boundaries. However, my daughter often replies with,"you always say, no" and it can often turn into a state of dysregulation for her. Then she will reply,"well, I am not going to do________blah,blah, then......or I'll just blah..." (basically, "I am going to do it anyway no matter what you say").I try to remain calm and focus on her dissappointment. SHe resonds with anger and does not get to the point of "sad" or an authentic expression of her dissappointment. Just acceptance, finally, that mom said,"no". I feel as though this is low-level anxiety that she carries. It feels like she is testing me and if I give what she is asking for she feels a bit of caring from me. But then she is right at it again searching for how to get acceptance from me. What is the next thing I can get my mom to say "yes" to. Does this make sense? Is this a boundary issue? I know if I was able to connect better maybe there would be more resolution.....Ann:dizzy

[booboo]

My daughter often doesn't like it when I tell her "no". She will verbally resist,"well I just am going to do it anyway" It is obvious to me that she simple does not like it. However, I believe it is one way to set boundaries. When I tell her "no" and empathize with her about her dissappointment she just doesn't seem to reach a resolution with it. She doesn't reach a point of saddness about it. She'll eventually accepts it but then is right at me again asking almost wanting to prove that I am mean and don't care about her. I want to beable to connect more with her when she has to deal with the dissappointment. Or when I am setting a boundary. Does this make sense?:dizzy