Educational Options

[sbeardslee]

Warning: long and rambling post!

My 6 year old son had a wonderful Kindergarten year last year, but 1st grade has not gone so smoothly. His EMDR therapist suggested last week that I should consider alternative placements for him. She said that she feels like he is making progress at home and with her, but school is a negative environment and may be hindering his healing. She suggested looking at private schools. I have done a little research since then and the only private schools in our area are church based schools. While religion is very important to me, I found the schools to have a little too much doctrine teaching for me, and I would prefer to be the one teaching him about this. To my knowledge there are no charter schools in our area. Another option is obviously homeschooling. I am more than qualified to homeschool him, which 12 years of Special Education teaching experience. However, I have some concerns about this option. I am a single mom, which means the only time I would have to myself would be when my kids are sleeping. My son's behavior is quite challenging at times, and honestly I enjoy the break from it when he is at school.

I also have an almost 3 year old, and I have considered sending him to half day preschool so I could have one on one time with my older son. I am hesitant to do this, b/c I feel like I am possibly creating issues for the little one by doing this. He is very much a momma's boy, and always wants to know if I will be going places with him when I tell him our plans for the day. He is with my almost constantly, except when I take my older son to therapy, and I will be starting EMDR myself this week.

Another concern is that I'm not sure that I'm consistently regulated enough to deal with him all day every day. I'm working on it, and I believe the EMDR will help, but I still struggle at times. This being said, I understand him (and his behavior) much better than the school does at this point.

He has begged me to homeschool him. He says he hates school b/c everyone hates him--that breaks my heart. I do feel like it is a pretty negative environment for him right now.

If I do decide to homeschool, I would focus much more on our relationship/attachment/bonding than academics. He is very bright and is at or above grade level in all areas. I am considering keeping him in school until December break, and then just keeping him home the rest of the year. I have also wondered if I should just pull him now. I'm not sure that is wise since I will be started EMDR for my own trauma this week. Emotions might be pretty raw with both of us going through EMDR.

So, I'm looking for advice...thoughts....help! Do I leave him where he is and hope things improve? Should I put my youngest in preschool and bring my oldest home? Do I keep them both at home and figure out a way to make it work? Do I make the changes now, or wait for a natural break in the school schedule (Christmas Break) Is there another alternative? Should I have a bowl of ice cream and call it a day?

Thanks for listening.
Shari

[Lianne]

:hug

I don't have the answers for you, Shari, but what a great post to get some thoughts out where you can see how the options feel and take some time to decide what feels right.

Honestly, homeschooling sounds like it would work best for your older son, but could be such a strain for you that I think there would need to be something for him to do where you get a little break. Taking care of ourselves is really important, as I am finally getting a grip on. If there is a homeschooling community in your area, maybe there are activities or get-togethers you could attend or that he could attend so you aren't just alone with both kids all day?

As for your younger son, if he's not ready to separate then it'll just add more dysregulation to your house, I imagine. I have considered preschool for my 3.5 year old, but at this point I think it would cause more stress than it would relieve!

Hugs to you! :bighug Keep talking it out and I'm sure others will chime in with more thoughts.

[sbeardslee]

Thanks Lianne. It did help a lot just to get everything out "on paper" so to speak.

There is a homeschooling network in our area, but I've heard mixed reviews on it. I'm not sure how accepting they would be of my son's behavior. I would probably not get involved with it right away, just so we can focus on our relationship. As he becomes more regulated that may be a possibility.

On a side note, I kept him home today because there was a sub in his class. She was also there on Friday and he had a horrible day. His therapist recommended keeping him home to avoid further stress. I told him this morning that we were going to pretend we were homeschooling today and he went nuts. I'm sure it was a bit of a shock/change/etc. But it was ugly. When he settled down a little I said that he had been begging me to homeschool and I wanted to take a day to see what that would look like. I told him I wasn't sure either, but I thought this would be a good way for both of us to figure out if we liked it. Of course one day doesn't tell much, but then again that wasn't my real reason for keeping him home.

The therapist also recommended some kind of activity for him if I decide to homeschool. He is in therapeutic riding now and today is the last class of the season, but they have asked to keep him through the winter (weather permitting). I'm not sure if we will, b/c he has started resisting it pretty strongly the past few months. Another option is swimming or karate, which have practice several days a week. I'm just not sure if that would be helpful or stressful for him right now. Decisions, decisions.
Shari

[kmjjer2911]

Shari,
This is ablsolutely long but we are in similar "places."

Hi - I have not talked to you in a while and I have mostly posted on DPR. I call tell by your posts here that YOU are making TREMENDOUS progress - yea!!!

Our family is in a lot of stress right now and have been since school and home school started. So I totally understand your concerns. I also told my husband that doing this as a single parent every day would be beyond difficult and only possible with outside support. SOOOO, I am so glad you are not rushing into any decisions.

Home schooling is one answer, BUT, please get reliable resources in place to make sure you have breaks from your older son each week and if possible, a break each day for at least one hour at a time. Unfortuanately, I have used PBS children's tv or dvd's as a needed break for myself since home schooling our son. This week, I am switcing to only DVD's - pre-approved by mom! I am noticing that tv and computer time which is very limited for both children is VERY dysregulating even in small amounts each day.

We have now gone to a "no" tv and "no" computer time Sunday-Thursday. Yesterday was the first day. And yes I gave in...and they watched PBS for one hour but no computer time. I HAD BOTH children at home yesterday - age 8 and 10. Our 10 year old daughter is experiencing some very bad teasing from some mean girls (at our Christian school of all places) and with the daily trauma of dealing with her brother...her WOST is extremely high. She refuesd to go to school and I did not "force" her as one friend said I should have done.

Actually, every time my daughter has stayed home from school, our son (8) has a MUCH better day with home schooling. He actually did 1.5 hours of home school yesterday and could play with his sister! My daughter does not want to home school at this point although I am very willing to bring her home next fall for 6th grade.

We are only getting about 50% of days in where our son can actually "do" home school. He has had many major triggers of his abandonment issues: daddy returning to work after being home every day with an 8 month job loss, then leaving school to home school, and both our dogs died late this summer.... So, our son has been very dysregulated and hugely oppositional and angry for 8 straight weeks.

With my husband returning to work, I have a "glimpse" of what it would be like to do this as a single parent...but only a gimpse as I totally rely on my husband starting at 6 p.m. But even so....10 hours straight from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. with my son every day when he is doing poorly is difficult. And I don't really get a break at 6 p.m. as I continue to be available to both children until 9 p.m....and my daughter NEEDS me from 7-9 p.m. for as much one on one time as she can get with me.

This is sad, yesterday, I found myself longing for 9 p.m. to arrive and that is sad, because I did not enjoy my day and I could not wait to have time alone to read and sleep and just totally rejuvenate.

Rebecca Thompson encouraged me to try to find some resources for during the day at least once a week so I could get a break but I have not lined anything up yet. Our children's pastor did offer to take my son for one hour every week for a snack time and time together where they walk from his office to the Whole Foods grocery store and get a snack, walk and talk! That starts this Wednesday so I might head to the book store to relax with a cup of tea! However, I do need a longer break and need to figure out how to do that. Rebecca suggested the possibility of finding an older home school student who could hang out with our son for a few hours once a week maybe in the afternoon so I need to see if that is a possibility.

I also understand about not getting involved in home school groups. Most parents are not very understanding of our son's issues and they do not understand our "gentle" approach. So, going to a home school co-op or group even once a week would be dysreulating for our son right now until he has greater healing.

I am so glad the EMDR is helping. I think our son could benefit from that as well. He did 3-4 very short sessions with his therapist that we are no longer seeing. The sessions were so short and part of a regular counseling session it did not have any effect on him. I will look into it again since we start new health insurance as of Nov. 1

Take care and most of all take care of yourself - which you are doing!

Kathy

[greenbeanbanshee]

Ditto to everything that has already been said. Shari, your boys are so precious to me. Even thinking of Hayden right now makes me sad that I didn't get to say good bye to him. Even though I only spent a couple of days with him, I want you to know that I can attest to the fact that he is quite the handful, believe me! I want you to know that I personally know how hard you must work to stay regulated with him and to help keep him regulated. His window of stress tolerance shifts up and down quickly and what I found with him is that what works once, might not work in 5 minutes. So for a stressed out parent, he would certainly have the ability to create chaos. That is probably true of all kids, but he is a challenge. A lovely, awesome, strong, handsome challenge. I just love him so much!!!!!

So that sounded negative, but it's not at all. I have the exact same challenge with both my boys. And it's hard to be a single parent. I know this. I am raising these three kids alone right now and it's so exhausting. I co sleep, homeschool, and work from home. So I am literally with these kids 24/7. No breaks. I agree so much with those who are reminding you to take good care of yourself! That is a passion of mine. To get parents to recognize how vital they are to their children's health. Whatever you decide to do, keep yourself in mind when you make the decision.

So where am I going with this? I don't know!! :dizzy I don't know what the answer for you is. Take some time to think about it and then in the end, do what your gut tells you to do. Whatever it is, just know that you have my 100% support. I believe in you. You're an awesome mom! Don't forget that. :hug

~Bethany

[sbeardslee]

Thank you so much for your replies and support Bethany and Kathy. I'm so glad you were able to meet my kids Bethany, so someone understands what I'm talking about with him!

On a side note, after keeping him home yesterday and "pretend home-schooling" I wasn't sure how today would go with returning to school. I got a call from his teacher today after school saying that it was probably the BEST DAY he has had all year. She said he was settled and didn't call out as much as usual. I was thrilled b/c it was the first time she has ever called me to tell me good news. Last week she said he was good the rest of the week, but had a bad day Friday. This time there was no "BUT" she just complimented him. Wow!

I was really needing that today b/c I had MY first session of EMDR today and it was a little intense and quite draining.

For now I'm just going to continue as is, but I'm keeping my options open for the future. I just can't allow school to hinder his healing progress.

Shari

[kmjjer2911]

Hi Bethany and Shari,
That is so neat that Bethany was able to spend time with Hayden. I would actually find it reassuring if Bethany could spend time with our son and then have her say it was challenging! Our son is also bright, fun, awesome and quite a handful! Most of the time, our son is able to stay regulated on the surface when he is with other adults and I am not present so often other people have no idea of what I face on a daily basis. His 2nd grade teachers finally saw dysregulation at school but when it surfaced...it was sky high and they did not have the resoureces to help our son..

Shari, I am so glad your son had a better day at school. When you said he had 4 good days and only difficulty (notice I say difficulty not "bad") last week at school - hey - I call that AWESOME!!!!! I guess our perspective is different since we moms are with them for most of the time!

P.S. I am empathizing more with Roman - matching his intensity when aggressive and angry and IT WORKS LIKE A CHARM!!!! It is sooooo weird. When he goes to attack, I say intensely, "YOU ARE SO MAD, you are so angry, you want to kill mommy, you want to hurt mommy...." I know that sounds awful but his attacks have been more directive in the last two weeks since daddy (dh) returned to work and our son actually started his major dysregulation the week before dad returned to work.

Anyway, after matching our son's intensity somewhat and giving words to his non-verbal aggression and non-verbal anger - it is like he stops in his tracks and retreats and then he can find his words again. Sometimes he will ramp back up into attacking but if I continue with the empathy and giving him a voice - WOW.....it works. It has taken me 7 months of BCLC to figure that out. So not only do we have to be present, we have to be present enough to be actively engaged with the child in dysregulation - BINGO!!

Now, I am modeling it for my husband this week and it is so hard for him. But now that I FINALLY got it - I am actually more patient with my husband and see how total modeling will help him get it too. It is just totally against his nature and I think he still has some issues to work through because he still does not look very regulated when our son is dysregulated....

What a life....at least I feel better than I did yesterday when I longed for sleep.

Kathy

[dkreynolds]

Good morning, Shari......first let me say what a great job you're doing processing. To me looking from the outside in, your son reallly is telling you he needs more mommy time and that, I know can be a huge challenge with our children....so would it be a possibility to have him only go a half day to school? Maybe a full day is just too much. He could do just a little home schooling with you and you could gage if it would be possible to home school full time? Maybe is could be the best of both worlds.

You've come so far and really are doing a great job...I remember your earlier posts. Follow you heart and your gut and your choice will be the right one!

Be blessed and be well!

[sbeardslee]

Funny you should mention it. A few weeks ago before a meeting at his school I asked him what he liked and didn't like about school. One thing he mentioned was that it was too long....he wished it was like preschool (half day). I have also considered half days for awhile, but can I do that without an IEP? I mentioned it to his therapist and she said that schools weren't really into shortened days b/c it meant a loss of money for them. I hadn't considered that option. Does anyone know if/how this works without an IEP?

Thanks,
Shari

[dkreynolds]

An IEP would be best and you may be able to get one if the therapist was to write a letter of concern requesting that your son be able to attend school half day because of his disability. If he has a Dx of RAD etc. this can be a qualifier for a disability and possibly an IEP. If not can request testing, a Functional Behavior Test is what you need and go that route, takes 60 days. Sometimes schools will accept outside input from professionals. It's worth a try. Just be sure everything you ask for is in writing and dated. I have SpEd advocate training, so if you need any help email me. Your son gave you a very honest answer to his stress, now to get everyone on board.

Good luck!

[sbeardslee]

Thanks Darlene. Actually I am a special ed teacher (not currently working) so I am quite comfortable with it from that angle. However I don't want to label him with an Emotional Behavior Disorder at 6 years old, and that is the only category he would qualify under. His therapist agrees that although his behavior LOOKS like EBD, it is a manifestation of his RAD and I'm hoping to see improvements with EMDR, neuro reorganization and BCLC parenting. I do not want that label to follow him.

I went to pick him up today and for the first time EVER I heard 4 good reports from 4 different people. Maybe things are improving and I won't have to make a change in his education. I sure hope so!
Shari

[Rebecca]

4 good reports from 4 different people?! How wonderful! I totally hear you about not wanting to label him at this point. He has the ability to change and that is easier to do without a label following along behind.

Sounds like you are really paying attention and working hard to learn what is best for your son. He is so lucky to have you as his mom. And I've seen those shifts from BCLC parenting. It can make a huge difference, so keep up the great work!!

[wdvance]

Hi Shari,
You are really moving along and being so present with the situation. I think by giving your son the day off from regular school represents the breaks we all need time to time. I really appreciate the teacher called to tell you he had a good day. There seems to be shifts taking place, be still and accept them. Also, the answers to your questions will come, the timing must be right.
Blessings,
Wilma:cloud9

[sbeardslee]

I have gone round and round with this decision for awhile now. This week I finally made up my mind. My son will not be returning to school after Thanksgiving.

I went to school to have Thanksgiving lunch with him on Thursday and as soon as she saw me, his teacher started right in telling me how horrible his behavior had been the last few days....blah blah blah. I should have just smiled and wished her a Happy Thanksgiving, but I just didn't say much. That night I couldn't sleep and I was trying to decide what to do. I decided that I would go and talk to the principal and tell her that I was considering pulling him out and see if she had any other thoughts or suggestions. She has been a wonderful support for both of us. As I mulled over what I was going to say to her....."Every time I walk in this school I brace myself, knowing what is coming.....if I feel that way, how must he feel?....." and suddenly I just knew...I had to take him out. It was suddenly so clear. He just can't handle it right now. It is a negative and stressful place for him. I decided I would go talk to the principal just before I picked him up for therapy yesterday and tell her my decision. Yesterday morning I got a message from the counselor at school saying that my son was in her office and he told her that I said he could call me whenever he needed to (because he has a fear of me dying while he's at school) but she felt like he was using that as an excuse for not making good choices for himself (whatever, lady). I didn't ever return her call. I found someone to babysit and went straight to the school. The principal was wonderful. She said that if I were anyone else she would try to discourage me, but she knew that I put a lot of time, thought and prayer into my decision and she understood. When I told her about the Thanksgiving lunch episode, she put her head in her hands and apologized profusely for the negativity of his teacher and for all my son and I had been through. I have no doubt that she will follow up with the teacher. She invited us to all school activites, told me to call her anytime and gave me her home phone number, cell phone number and a hug before I left. Wow. She wants to borrow my Beyond Consequences book too:)

I'm relieved, nervous and excited all at once. I'm not sure what it will look like at this point, but I know this is what he needs and I will do whatever it takes to make it work.

Shari

[greenbeanbanshee]

Shari, I am so impressed how you connected your own negative feelings of being in the school to how your son must feel. That is really deep. It is moments like those that need to happen if we are going to really build that relationship. I am so proud of you!

It might take a while to transition, so you'll have your ups and downs, but we're here to support you. There are a lot of home schooling mamas on this board. So keep letting us know how it's going. And let us know what we can do to support you.

Those boys are pretty darn lucky (and so are you). :love

~Bethany

[dkreynolds]

Shari :clap Your choice in this situation is so awesome and so reflective on how far you come...once again:clap. I know this is a huge step for both of you, a step that is probably very scary. You followed your heart and your gut, responded with total support to secure your relationship with your son, how huge!! Your son must have been in a constant state of dysregulation with all the negative feedback loops that were ongoing at school. I wish you all the best and so admire what your are doing. Hugs, prayers and blessings for your transition and journey.

[Rebecca]

Shari,

That is a huge step! I'm sure it is a relief just to have made your decision. Thank you for sharing with us. What a big moment for you to really understand what it must have been like for him and to be proactive in helping to find another way. He truly is lucky to have you for his mom!! And that's not about homeschooling or not homeschooling. This would be true no matter what your decision. You are looking at all of this and working so hard to make the best decision for him and you have come such a long way!

Feel free to ask questions as they arise on this next phase of your journey. There are lots of veteran homeschoolers on this list who would be happy to jump in and help out. Just remember that he is going to need lots of exercise and a rhythm to his day to help him feel safe, so keep that in mind when you're starting to look at what your day is going to look like for him.

Best wishes to all of you!

[sbeardslee]

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement ladies. Yes, yes and yes. Yes, he was in a constant state of dysregulation at school. Yes, this is a big scary step, and yes, I am relieved to have finally made the decision that I have been losing sleep over for the last month or so.

It will just take awhile to get into a groove, which in reality probably won't happen until after the holidays. I mean we will work on things before that, but I'm going to be pretty relaxed about it. My sister in law will be watching my little ones (forgot to mention we added a foster child to our family this past week:) for a few hours twice a week, so that will give us some time for just the two of us, which will be good for our relationship. It will work.

Thanks again,
Shari

[kmjjer2911]

Shari,
I am so glad you are at peace with your home school decision. We have seen the most growth in attachment of our son to me since bringing him home from school 3 months ago.

YES - go easy on the schooling! Relationship is first and is what will heal your son.

How old is your newest addition? Is that hard given the tough place you are in with your oldest son? I know my son (8) LOVES younger children and babies and he does so well with them, but it might be a different story if they lived with us 24 hours a day! I always get excited when people add to their families - even if it is a foster situation! I am a nut for children!! And I will seriously pray about what I am to do with this passion for children once our son gets in a greater place of healing ....which is growing every day.

Feel free to e-mail me about home school questions. I have found the very relaxed style the best with our son. I know your son is bright as ours is and so they tend to learn no matter what they are doing or playing! I started out with a schedule which if done only takes 2 hours a day for school with a 30 minute break in between, but we have un-schooled the past 5 weeks as our son has been working through a LOT of his abandonment/rejection issues that were triggered when daddy returned to work in October (after an 8 month layoff at home with the family.)

Try to be relaxed and have fun with the boys as much as possible! Be a family, do fun things, do NOTHING but hang out together, take a nap if you can every day! I have lots of tips for taking care of yourself as a mom and a woman! Taking care of myself first has been the key to actually experiencing genuine joy, fun, and laughter in this long journey. Our new psychiatrist is dumbfounded at how joyful and at peace I am but how totally honest I am when I am falling apart and leaning totally on the Lord. I feel so close to the Lord now - as if HE is really, truly breathing life into me every day. I would never have experienced this without our precious son and I am so glad God chose me to be his mom.

I am so excited to hear the growth and progress you have made over the past 7 or so months! You will and do have an exciting story of healing to tell!!

Take care,
Kathy

[CookieCookie]

i think preschool kids love going to preschool mostly because they are socializing and playing...but i see how they can think its too long and theyd miss home..

[chris54915]

For homeschooling, these are some great new books out for kids. Supplementing the traditional taught subjects, these books use rhymes and pictures to talk about having healthy attitudes and strong self-esteems in our elementary school-aged children.

I found them on Sad Mad Glad Welcome. On that site, you can get a preview of some of the pages in each book.

The titles are "The Sad Mad Glad Book -- The Anatomy of Your Attitude" and "Another Sad Mad Glad Book." Beefy books, too, over 100 pages for each one. Their third one just came out, "The Sad Mad Glad Christian."

If you're looking for books for your children that are really meaningful, and ones you'll really love ready to them, these are it. Be prepared for lots of questions and discussion, which appears to be the whole point of the books.