Launching

[Rebecca]

I was reflecting on this transition as a parent and what that must be like, since it is not an experience I've had with my oldest only being nearly 9. I've talked to lots of parents over the years at this point and have seen a wide range of responses to it. Some parents are grief-stricken when their child (usually first or last) moves out of the house. They just aren't ready. Others are overjoyed and have been planning all the things they are going to do with their child's former room the second it is vacated. Many fall somewhere in the middle, wanting to allow their child to mature, yet feeling sad that the child is no longer around. Some parents fear for their children and the decisions they will undoubtedly make that may put themselves in danger. And I remember those in college who we weren't sure were going to survive the semester because of the choices they were making.

The best way to understand the experience of launching is to remember our own launching journey. What do we remember about it? Was it positive or negative? Bittersweet? Uneventful? And what do you want for your own children? This will color the way we look at launching our own children.

My mom tells the story of when she moved out frequently. She was 18 and couldn't wait to get out of the house. She had almost no money, even though she was working, and spent many days eating very little. But she wasn't going to move back home no matter how hungry she was.

I was similar, though without the starving part and at 17. My other brother was similar, too. But my youngest brother, who is now 30, still lives at home and my mom has no comprehension as to why. Now, as an outside observer, there are many reasons why he is still there, but I find it interesting that it is difficult for her to see beyond her own experience.

What were your own launching experiences? How would you like your children's launching to be? Similar to yours or different in some way?

If you're getting ready to launch or have already launched a child or children, let us know that, too. Share your experience.

[meg3450]

I have a 17 year old that I am scared to death to let go. He has said he will quit taking his medicine when he turns 18, will not go to counseling, and will move in with a boy that I don't approve of his hanging out with. I don't think he means all that, but it does bring home the point that I won't have any control over him when that happens. I just hope he learns some coping strategies before August (his birthday).

We are just starting Beyond Consequences. I am anxious to see how that helps.

Evelyn

[Rebecca]

Evelyn,

I know Beyond Consequences will help you tremendously. The reality is that he is nearly an adult and is going to make his own choices. Beyond Consequences is about beyond control (or the illusion of control) and provides information about the power of loving influence through relationship. It isn't too late, though it will take a lot of work and shifting on your part. You have the power to make this different, but you'll need lots of support. Let us know how we can help support you on your journey.

[shirley]

Having had three children move out I found each time I felt differently. The first my son, I knew he would always remain single and come back from time to time and I was right. He is now 39 and still single. I swore he'd be 45 before hed marry. The second one left right after graduation and moved in with a guy who she knew her father would object to. It was like she was trying to get his attention no matter what. I was ok with these two leaving but my third child was really hard because after 23 yrs of marriage we were getting a divorce and she chose to live with her father. She just turned 14 at that time. I cried for weeks knowing if I fought for her she would have really given me a terrible time. After the first year of her being gone, I knew one day she would spit (so to speak) in his face and she has on many occassions. This child was too much like me. I knew if I gave her time and let her know that I would always be there for her no matter what, she would return that love and she has. She is now 32, married and has an 8 y/o girl. It is so interesting to hear her speak about the fact if any man thought they could take her daughter from her, they would be very mistaken. So the past left scars on her heart and only she can heal it and hopefully by continuing to support and show her the unconditional love that I have had for her, she can heal.
I might add, by her going with her father, he had NO control or influence over her. Her anger emerged (FEAR) and it was not a nice time in her life. She hit a lot of hard rocks along the way. Lessons learned that I hope she can pass on to her daughter. I am proud of her accomplishments. I feel that there are times when we must allow our children to go so that they can grow, which means that they may not take the easy road.
This brought up my past and I left home after graduation and I could not wait and swore I would never go back. I made a liar out of myself. I had moved in with a friend who was pregnant and we had been friends for years. Her husband was in jail for being a conscientious objector and she needed someone with her, so this was ideal for me. We were like sisters. We had gone shopping one day and was involved in an auto accident. We were both thrown from the car and she had serious injuries, especially being pregnant. They had to do brain surgery and they felt she may not survive and if she did she would never talk or walk, due to the part of brain they operated on. Well she survived the surgery and recognized me right away. I would stay with her at the hospital and I kept telling the nurses that it was time for her to have the baby and they kept telling me NO. She was not able to communicate very well, he words would be all messed up. Like she wanted to go to the bathroom and she would ask for the broom. I helped her to go on a potty chair and as I was lifting her legs, her baby was being born right there in bed. It had been six weeks since the surgery. They wouldn't allow her to hold or try to care for the baby. (talk about attachment challanges) The baby was fine and she went home several weeks later. It was a long hard road for her. She had another son after that, which was a mistake for it caused a nervous breakdown. Her road has not been easy and I saw her recently and she was excited to see me but she could not remember my name.
Because of the accident, I had to return home. At this point I really didnt care even though I would have loved going someplace else. I stayed home till I was 21 and married. I was thrilled to still leave home.
We all do what we had or have to do and as we look back we can see just how much of our decisions were fear based. If only we knew then what we know now our decisions would have been different, or would they ?

:wave
shirley