Slowing down to connect

[Rebecca]

"Then, she had practice for 3 hours and we finally made it home for dinner at 8, then she went right to bed because she had to get up for school the next day..."

Sound familiar? Most of us are so incredibly busy and that's just the way we live our lives. We log more miles on our car per day than the average family spends actually connecting with their children (I believe it is around 12 minutes per day of actual connection time...). Our children need us to connect with them and to model connection behaviors. When we are on our computer, talking on our cell phone, hurrying them up to take them somewhere, we aren't connecting.

How do you make time to connect with your child in our fast-paced society? What would you like to change or do differently to allow for more time to connect?

[kmjjer2911]

:heart:heart

In March 2007 our family was FORCED into slowing down when our son's RAD fully appeared. He of course had RAD since his baby days in the Russian orphanage. We adopted him at 15 months and although he was strong-willed and had tantrums - the BIG anger and aggression did not start until 2006 and that we only learned about RAD when he turned 6 years old!!

The funny thing is - we had always lived a SLOW life compared to most other families even when the kids were babies and preschoolers! We had always eaten every breakfast and every dinner together - 7 out of 7 days a week - ALWAYS at the same times! We knew our children thrived on consistency even before learning about RAD. And we were home a lot!

Then starting in March 2007 - we R-E-A-L-L-Y S-L-O-W-E-D down...

Our son was only involved in one extracuricular sport after school - a very laid back, Upward Soccer church league and when the RAD flared up, we even quit that. When DS anger and aggression flared up, we realized that he did best spending as much time as possible at home.

We are still in slow mode! Our son is in school from 8:30 -2:30 and we live one minute from school so we walk through our backyard and lovely field to get to school - we feel like the Little House on the Prarie family walking to school - it's fun! We live in a moderately sized city but our home is in a more rural setting - lots of woods and farms nearby.

Roman (son) does no sports or outside activities. He is in 1st grade so only has 2 one-page worksheets of homework which he can EASILY do in 5 minutes - 10 minutes max. (Although even that short homework was a battle for a whole year - finally that got better with Beyond Con techniques in last 2 weeks - thank you!)

We live on a street that has a long lane of homes but the road is busy so it is not really a neighborhood. We have a HUGE backyard (compared to nearby neighborhoods that have 1/4 to 1/2 acre lots. We have 1.5 acres - don't laugh :lol - that's huge for this area!

So we are not in a neighborhood which means we have to schedule play dates with friends and we only do that less than once a week. The nice thing is that our son and daughter have become best friends playing with each other every day. (As common, it can be love/hate at times but they are really learning how two strong-willed leaders can get along and give and take!!)

Roman spends every day after school - PLAYING AT HOME for 3.5 hours after school!!! He loves digging in the dirt, hunting for bugs, catching toads, playing "pioneer days" with his sister (sis is 10 years old and he is 8), building forts in our back woods (which is also fenced in), lots of time on the huge tire swing - has a big reach to it on large oak tree! On cold days, he builds with Lincoln Logs - have tons of them, Legos, tinker toys or he invents things out of recycled materials.

Roman spends 3-4 hours a day in imagination play. He is an extrovert so he prefers to play with sis or parents but if he is REGULATED, he can play by himself! My daughter is also an extrovert as well as mommy. Dear sweet daddy is our calm, strong, even-keeled introvert who keeps our family steady - but he is also a gread dad and husband - very involved every day with all of us!

Dear daughter - well she has been forced to slow down her life more than she would like. Thankfully, she joined the recorder club and chorus club at school so she stays with friends to participate and then she walks home with mommy and brother. (Often, Roman and I will stay at school for an hour while he plays with friends while we wait for sister on the two days a week she has music. That still gives Roman and sister 2 hours to have free play until dinner.) However, staying at school to play is not always good for Roman - he is usually dysregualted right after school and it is so much better for him to come right home, have a snack, connect with mommy and then play!

BY THE WAY - 10-20-10 rocks!! That has changed our lives. I think that came from our Eric Guy cd's - he collaborates with Heather Forbes and Dr. Post often. That is 10 minutes of connection time one-on-one with each child FIRST thing in the morning (often cuddling in bed as each child wakes up - and always with DS who has RAD.) Then 20 minutes connect after school and then 10 minutes at bedtime!

We actually do 10 minutes in bed in morning, 20 minutes after school and ONE HOUR at bedtime with stories, Bible and we let Roman fall asleep beside Mommy in our bed. Then we move Roman to his bed before 9:30 p.m. or so.

The 10-20-10 has DONE WONDERS for Roman's healing from RAD over the past two weeks. His last angry agressive outburst was on April 1 - no others in two weeks!!

Sorry so long - I have so many ideas to share!

And don't get the wrong impression! Yes - we are having a great two weeks, but raising our children has been DRAINING! The BC techniques are the first time things have worked so well in our family - miraculous! And Roman is coming from severe RAD. We have been through it. And probably will go through it again. Roman often has two week cycles of being horribly dysregulated. It will be interesting to see how these BC techniques work for us as we go along! Our son has been very aggressive and very angry in the past. And after his anger, and he is calm, he lapses into a deep, dark hole where for minutes to an hour - he does not want to live. That is the RAD at its worst. But we are always able to STAY WITH our son emotionally - staying calm, being strong and then he is able to cry and reach out to us in his pain and then he is regulated again - usually snuggles with us and bounces back. BUT THOSE hours of dysregulation are HARD - we have faced what many of you have faced. However, my husband and I have always had great hope and great faith that Roman will heal completely from this RAD - enough to have a full, healthy life!

Feel free to comment or e-mail me! I love to share stories of what works and what does not work!

MOMS and DADS - Keep going, keep breathing - it really works!!!

Kathy

[greenbeanbanshee]

Kathy, thank you so much for writing this. It speaks to everything I know about my own experiences with my children. In the beginning, when things were the worst with the behaviors from my son, I really, really had to step back and reconsider the pace at which we were beginning to go in life. I am a pretty laid back person in general, but when I feel that pressure of my son's pain, it can turn me into a person I don't like. I lose my focus. I get overwhelmed. My window of stress tolerance can shrink down to practically nothing. It's at those times I really have to focus on slowing down, reconnecting, reaching out, allowing time and space for communication...all of that. And you're absolutely right. It WORKS!! Once you get a taste of that, you just hunger for it. And so do they.

10-20-10 is great. Sometimes we need permission to do what we feel is right. And having someone just say it's ok to stop and take the the time to slow down is so powerful. Also many of us just don't have the blueprint to do this instinctively and it's amazing when we realize it's something we need and also our kids. And then we begin to actually do it and that means our children WILL have that blueprint. WOW! 10-20-10 is a simple idea and it takes no other resources expect your own mind-body to accomplish it, yet it is a very powerful tool and it definitely makes a difference. That is so empowering!

So, thank you for sharing your experience with this. It's so encouraging. Please continue to share. I'm loving it! :clap

~Bethany

[kmjjer2911]

:)Bethany,
I think we might have similar personalities! I LOVE to write and communicate. And I am passionate about families, taking time - lots of time to connect. So this BC parenting really fits me to a T!! However, I bet, if I had not dealt with such severe RAD behaviors the past two years - it would not have resonated with me so strongly.

I AM THANKFUL THAT God has given me the priviledge of raising two difficult emotional children! Because of that we are a family that IS SO CLOSE!! My children are so "spoiled" with love, communication, connection, time with all 4 of us. They would be SHOCKED to live in a different kind of situation. They don't even realize how good they have it!!

Actually, I think they are both starting to see how awesome their family is and I will post that as a new thread after I eat lunch. One hour until kiddo pick up time!! Roman had a huge aha moment himself when a dysregulated child came to visit on Saturday - I will post that story it is awesome! Roman ended the day that night by telling me I should go work with Mr. Louie (his counselor) because he saw a huge change in another child's behavior that day after we spent some time getting the child calm!!

See you soon! Kathy

[Denise]

Slowing down! This is a great topic! How many times are we dysregulated as parents and our children get dysregulated because we "feel" like we have to get this done or that done? Then do we really enjoy what we feel like we "had" to do?

I know for me slowing down has REALLY helped our family. Now when we do an activity, we evaluate it. Was it fun? Was it worth the time and effort that we put in it? Did it cause us to feel stressed or dysregulated? Would we want to do it again? If yes, would we do anything differently?

I will give a great example of this. We love the outdoors and camping. So when girl scout day camp came up, we all signed up. Things were good the first few days but by day 4 we were feeling really tired and not looking forward to the day. (The rain didn't help matters either). I was a leader of a group so I had to finish out the week. After that week, I said to myself, yes, I will do day camp again but will only commit to 3 days. So this year, we all signed up for the last 3 days of camp. After this year, we will evaluate again to see if it was worth the time and effort. I will let you know in a few weeks how it goes.

I do have to say that it is NOT only slowing down but what you choose to do with your time at home. If we sit in front of the computer or TV we get dysregulated from that. If I follow my children's leads then we have a much more regulated day! However, if we stay home ALL the time, I would go stir crazy. I need to interact with other adults! I also need to do things to take care of myself and increase my WOST (window of stress tolerance).

It is about finding the right balance for you and your family. All the time, I find myself rebalancing and thinking "this went well, let's do it again" or "let's not try that one again".

I would love to hear other people's story on if they have slowed things down and how they find balance in their lives!

Denise

[wdvance]

Some of the homework activities in the Being Present Class
has really lead to some ah hahs. By eliminating multitasking and breathing while doing the activity at hand (truly being present with the task) gives us the ability to recognize and enjoy all of the sensations we would miss by not being present.

I think this is where our focus needs to be so we can be connected with our child and find enjoyment in life.

Wilma:love

[greenbeanbanshee]

Wilma, I love what you are saying here. I've got to get my behind to those level 2 classes!

I am the queen of multi-tasking, as most mothers are. Like if my kids want to go out and play, I will say, "Sure!" But really I'm thinking in my head of all the weeds I'll be able to pull or the patio that I can sweep, etc etc etc.....it never ends. I'm terrible.

But for the last three days, I have gone outside with my kids and just sat beside them while they played. I laughed with them when they laughed. I watched the way Ethan pours the water from the play tea pot. It was great. I was just present with them. Nothing else in the universe mattered.

I think when I'm really stressed out -- like I am these days -- it's so easy to just sink inward and stay focused on all these other little tasks that need doing. But when I allow myself to actually just sit there and enjoy being alive, it is such a huge relief. I love it. I am committed to doing that more. I am 100% committed to slowing down for my children this summer. They will only be 5 and 3 once!

~Bethany

[wdvance]

A couple of key observations by participants in the class was they were enjoying chores and things were getting done in a shorter time frame. WOW for getting housework done efficiently and quickly. I had to laugh one of the Mom's said she even enjoyed doing the laundry.:rolleyes:

[Denise]

For those of you who get Mothering Magazine . . .
There is a GREAT article in the July-Aug. 2008 issue entitled, A Summer To Savor by Christine Schoefer. It is about a mother and her 3 daughters (ages 11,9, and 6) who take the summer off from scheduled activities.
I think this is an excellent idea but feel we all need to S L O W down ALL year with scheduled activities.
I love to play games all year with my kids! Or just sit and read books! There is sooooo much our children can learn by just being with us (their parents), their siblings, and having time to just be alone. I know one of my daughters has become an excellent reader and another an excellent writer because of our many long days at home when we homeschooled.

Life can be so good if we slow down long enough to enjoy it!

Denise

[CookieCookie]

Mothering Magazine is actually a pretty good magazine it took me awhile to get into it...but some of the stuff in there is really good

[erikashannon]

HI Friends,
I am currently taking the LEvel 1 BC Class with Wilma and wanted to post a question here and see what help and ideas you all might have. I am fairly new to the idea of the 10-20-10. I would like to spend the 10-20-10 with my son who is 8 yrs old but I am a little afraid about how to suggest it to him. What ideas do you have about how I can explain the 10-20-10 to him and what types of things do you each do during those times to connect? I know these might seem like basic questions but I am afraid because tight now he wants to watch TV or play his DS in the am after he is all ready to go to school. How do I say to him that those activities are not connecting type activities and what other things can I offer? The same issue happens when he gets home from school - he wants to "chil out" or watch TV. I know that I have a strong reaction to TV and electronics because growing up my Dad used TV to numb out and not connect with me or my siblings. Any help or ideas would be appreciated.
Warmly,
Erika

[LindaR]

Erika, good for you to wanting to make a change. You might want to consider easing into it gently. Instead of expecting him to stop an activity that he enjoys, just sit and watch TV with him. Be together. I suspect that over time he'll be less and less interested in the TV and more and more interested in you and spending time focusing on him.

I can't envision ever telling my kids that's what I'm doing. :-)

[Rebecca]

You can bring it up and just say, "I'd really like to spend some time with you. When would you like to do that? We can do anything you want to do." The idea isn't to let them know that "now I'm going to spend time with you and you can't do what you want to do...", but rather that 10-20-10 is something for us to keep in mind and strive for. Stay focused on the goal of creating connection and spending fun time together. Relax about it, stay present, and you'll have some clarity about what needs to happen.