Parenting a Middle Child

[Denise]

My tween (10 1/2) is a middle child. Her sisters are 13 and 5. Many times she takes on the "victim" role and allows her older (and younger) sisters to walk all over her. How do I help her get a backbone and stand up for her rights? For example, she may be playing on the computer and her older sister walks up and says she wants the computer. Instead of talking with her sister and working out a time schedule, she will just get mad and pout. Her sister has always been very controlling and the middle child has a history of losing these battles. I'm afraid she will go through her life being controlled by others.

[Rebecca]

Denise,
It certainly must be difficult to watch your middle child get walked all over by her older and younger siblings. It is one of those situations that I know many families struggle with- having one child dominate and another child in a victim role. How do you empower your middle child to stand up for herself without doing it for her (which would disempower her) really becomes the question.

First, look at your own fears around this situation. Once you are clear of any of your own past issues of being bullied or being in a victim role, you can truly see your daughter for where she is. So, think back to your family of origin. Who were the bullies in your family? Who were the victims? Journal or express those experiences to a friend who can really hear you. What happened in your family to those who didn't have a "back bone?" What are you afraid of will happen with your middle child if she doesn't? It may even be appropriate, depending upon the answers to these questions, that you share a little bit about that with her. It creates an opportunity for her to connect with you and your history, so that she knows she isn't alone in this. (Let's make this different together mentality, rather than there is something wrong with you and the way you are handling this situation.)

Once you have addressed your own part of this issue, you will be able to talk to her about this at a time when you are both regulated. Ask her how she feels in those moments, so that she can take ownership and let you know that she'd like it to be different before you proceed. You want to empower her, not treat her like a victim.

In those moments when her older sister comes up wanting to use the computer, recognize that it is completely dysregulating for her to even see her sister coming up to her due to her previous negative experiences with her. She isn't able to think clearly in those moments, so she just gives up and feels like she has no control. You can teach her in regulated moments by role playing this situation and teaching her that she does have the power to make it different for herself.

Start by teaching her to recognize what happens in her body when her older sister is coming toward her to use the computer. She may notice tension in her stomach, her head may hurt, etc. Then, teach her that she can calm her nervous system down by training herself to breathe. When she can remember to breathe, she'll start learning to calm her stress so that she can think clearly. Role play with her (you being her and her being her older sister and/or vice versa) a situation she could learn to make different. So, in the scenario with the computer, demonstrate breathing, taking time to calm herself down, and coming up with words she can use with her sister.

It truly is a process and that isn't meant to be an end-all answer. But I'm sure that this will give you a starting point for how to empower her to make this different for her in the future. Let us know how it is going!

[writermom]

Denise,

I realize this post is a few months old but I'll still respond and hope you get the reply. Of course by now I hope you've discovered a solution to your problem, but just in case, here's what I do with my tween boys and teenage daughter...

Naturally, I taught my children at a young age that they must share with each other. Do they always listen and do what mom says? No, of course not, but if I enforce it, they have to listen. Why? Because I'm the parent and they know that. ;)

Since they all enjoy video games and computer, I use to let them go to see if they'd share, but this didn't work out so well, because like you've discovered, they get on and don't want to share. To solve this problem, mom (me, of course) stepped in and set a time limit for them. Each of them are allowed an hour each on the computer or video game. I had to keep track of their times for a while, but now they do it on their own and share. They may not be happy when their time is up, but they'll still get off so the other can have their time. I tell them, though, that if they're going to want to get on the computer or play a video game, then they have to let the other know so they can start the time. If it would help you, you can invest in a cheap timer to set so it will go off when their time is up.

This has worked for me for over a year now, so I hope that maybe it will work for you as well. And do let me know if it works or if you have questions.

[subiewon]

Ohmigod, Denise, yes, our children share a few more things in common, other than their ages! I just wrote on the teens forum. I have a 13, 10 and 5 year old. I asked this same question that you asked, Denise, at a La Leche League conference when my middle child was eight or so b/c it was such a burning question then! I asked it of the author of Playful Parenting, whose name escapes me now. He suggested working through these situations in a non-threatening playful way, like with puppets. It would need to be not around the siblings because of what might come out. She is still a peacekeeper, and sets aside her own wants so that her sisters (or mom) won't be upset. I am still coming to realize that while this "flexibility" certainly is welcomed in times of crisis, it really is like giving away a little piece of herself every time it happens. I have taken her to the bedroom, just she and i, when she is arguing with either of her sisters, and said, okay, let's pretend this stuffed lion is your sister. And she spent twenty minutes one time beating the heck out of this lion. It was huge, so the whomping of it on the bed was quite satisfying. it made her laugh, cool down, and then we could talk. We have talked about options for what to do with her little sister. We used to call them "baby rules" which graduated into "toddler rules." They were options for what to do if sister has something you want: ask her for it, trade her something, wait for a turn, distract her, anything. And lily, my middle child would be the one generating these ideas.
We need to update that now that my youngest is five. Ideally i'd like each child to have a balance of flexibility and good old fashioned strong will. ;) I don't really have any answers but wanted to say that i definately see that middle child dynamic come into play!
warmly,
susan in clearwater