Relationship with Dad

[Denise]

My first born daughter is now 13 1/2 and in the 8th grade. She does very well in school and is mature and responsible. The problem I see is a pattern I have experienced and see in other members of our family; the fathers not being connected with their daughters. The research shows that if a daughter is not emotionally connected with her father then there is a higher chance that the daughter will seek that connection with her boyfriend. It is what I experienced when I was a teen. My husband doesn't see this as being an "issue" and feels our daughter is just being an average teen. Our daughter is now group dating and her focus is on her looks and hanging with the right crowd. She has lost interest in her family, Girl Scouts, and acting (which was her life for several years). I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid, controling, or just a normal mom of a teen. I also feel the pain that the other mom is experiencing of "letting go" of our teens. I just know of all the possibilities out there and it scares me. I have talked to my daughter about my concerns and with the raging hormones she just blows me off and thinks I worry too much. I believe in the loving approach but how do I parent my teen who is pulling away from her family? And lately I feel a big strain on our conversations. Being the youngest in my family, my oldest daughter and I have always had our struggles with seeing eye to eye on things. What do other moms do to keep her sanity during these teen years? How do you know when you are being too controlling, too pushy, too demanding? Do I allow her to get totally consumed with her friends or do I force her to stay home with her family or work on her Girl Scout Silver Award (which she says she want to get but refuses to do anything she needs to do to get it)? I can totally understand when people say that they feel like they are going crazy when they have teens:) Are there any good books I can read to help me in this journey? Thanks for any help!

[Rebecca]

The book I thought of immediately when I read your post is Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D.

It must be so difficult to feel so torn- to see that her peers are more important than all the things she used to really care about, including you. Spend some time with your fears, through journaling or talking to a good friend who can hear your concerns. This is really scary because there is so much out there now outside of your relationship that can happen. But don't dwell there. The good news is that you can make it different by parenting from a loving place. The most important thing you can do is work on your relationship with her, finding those times when she is open to connecting with you. It might mean in the car while you take her places or making an extra effort to pick her up from school (or to take her) one or more days a week.

At this point, you don't have the "control" over what she does. You could "make" her stay home and work on her Girl Scout project, but what would that do to your relationship? So, when making any decision, ask, "What can I do in this very moment to improve our relationship?" What you do have at this point is loving influence. Reach out to her and become interested in whatever is most important to her. Get her to talk to you and listen, listen, listen. By developing your relationship, she will begin to respect your opinion as you demonstrate respect for what is most important to her. It takes time and won't always be easy, but it is very much worth it.

Obviously, you don't have "control" over what your husband does, either, so all you can do is to set a good example with your own relationship with her and focus on doing all you can to do that well. Yes, ideally, two parents would be involved in this endeavor, but having one parent that she can connect to is far more important at this point. So, do all you can to make that happen.

Let us know how it is going with this!

Any one else with teens like to comment?

[Denise]

Thank you for the great book recommendation, Hold on to your kids, why parents need to matter more than peers by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gobor Mate, M.D. It was perfect for my situation. Last year when Natasha went from homeschooling to public school, she became very peer-oriented. This year I see the effects even more. The book taught me a lot. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am planning to do several things to reconnect and to keep the connection with my daughters. I'm going to start by having mom and daughter lunches and mom and daughter activities. I'm also learning a lot from Consciously Parenting and how to better my interactions with my kids. I'm glad that we have had a good bond from little on up and I'm hopeful that the reconnection will be easy. This past year I realized I wasn't living my priorities so I have let go of many commitments and I'm putting my family back on top where they belong!

[Denise]

I just wanted to let everyone know that has read this thread that things are going MUCH better with my now 14 year old daughter. I have learned to listen and validate her feelings more (thanks to the classes!). I have also been working on my issues and realized that some of MY fears were causing me to disconnect from my children.
Also, my husband and daughter just got back from a camping experience! I would have never thought something like this could have happened 6 months ago.

THANK YOU CONSCIOUSLY PARENTING PROJECT !!!!! You have truly made a difference in our family!

[greenbeanbanshee]

Wow, Denise! That is amazing!!! :jumpers

I love how you mentioned that you've learned to listen to her and validate her feelings more. Isn't that the hardest thing to grasp in the beginning? It's like we have all these reasons why their feelings are wrong! With me, I so just want to stay in my head and find the logistics of it all. But when we can just sit and hear them.....really hear them....it just makes all the difference. I am still working on that one with my own children. I do really well and then we slip backwards. Ever the learning moment at our house!

Was there anything else that you did that you feel made a difference? I'd love to hear more about this process for you guys.

~Bethany

[Denise]

I decided to start a new thread because I feel like we make 2 steps forward and 1 step back.
I do see Natasha and her father getting closer. I think my 'controling' ways were preventing them from forming a bond. Once I stepped back, it allowed Larry to step forward and establish a bond.
This past weekend was tough. Natasha went with several friends to a cabin to enjoy the holiday. Somehow, (I'm still looking in to this) she and a few other friends ended up in a car with a 16 year old boy who took them to another cabin at a different lake to watch fireworks. She was only suppose to be gone for a couple of hours. Well. . . this party got raided by the police and several underage kids and at least 1 adult was arrested for alcohol. Natasha was not arrested. She said that they talked to the police and they believed that they (a group of 14 year old girls) were not drinking. When Natasha called us the next morning, Larry volunteered to pick her up and was able to stay calm with her much better than I could have. Which brings me to all the questions on the next thread.
I am thankful that Larry and Natasha seem to have a better relationship.