Megan
04-29-2008, 05:07 AM
Hello Everyone,
Well I'm probably the last to post from our class...I had planned on making time for classes every Wednesday morning, but just hadn't figured anything else into the mix so it's taken me a while.
My husband Greg and I adopted Andres (11) and Catalina (8), half-brother and sister, three years ago from Colombia. At the time we were 44 and 50 respectively and they are our only children. (We married late and kids had never been on my horizon so it took me a while to come around to the idea) We brought our two little urbanites back to a rural home outside a small town in Kansas. We expected challenges and have had plenty and continue to, but overall they are doing well and are just precious. I joined the class because I've become completely convinced that their continuing health and well-being and that of our family as a whole, is mostly dependent on how we, their parents, manage ourselves in relation to them.
Over the past three years I've found myself reacting to the kids in ways I didn't know I had in me. Their anger and frustration just brought out the same in me and still does, much of the time. Thanks to Bryan Post and Heather Forbes, through whom I ultimately found this group, we're slowly learning new ways of responding to them and it has made a huge difference in our household. (We started out with the same type of discipline I was raised with and it didn't work at all!!) I'm sure time has made a difference too - after three years we have a familial rhythm and there is a greater level of trust between us all.
I read some posts about the different, extremely challenging situations people are in with their children and I just tear up because I know how difficult it has been for us and our children are relatively easy. And then I see that several of you are working, single moms and I just don't know how you do it. Before we got the kids, I always felt I would survive if something happened to my husband; now my worst fear is that something would happen to him. I can't imagine doing this without him. We're often a "tag team" - when one is stressed, the other can take over and provide a bit of down time for the other. We can comfort each other too. When you're one alone, that's when finding ways to increase the window of stress tolerance is really serious business and I would imagine, an incredible challenge.
For myself, I want to become more objective about my children - not to take their anger so personally. I get triggered so easily - not nearly as much as before, but still way too much to be as useful and helpful of a mom as I want to be. We used to hold them (as in contain them) in the first couple of years because we just didn't know how to diffuse their anger, were overwhelmed by the extent of it, and didn't know what else to do. But we all came away from those experiences feeling such deep sadness and failure and that we had just added more trauma into their young bodies.
There's plenty more to share - but it's the middle of the night - and I'm getting sleepy - so I'll save it for future posts. I'm looking forward to getting to know you and am so grateful that you're all there.
Megan
Well I'm probably the last to post from our class...I had planned on making time for classes every Wednesday morning, but just hadn't figured anything else into the mix so it's taken me a while.
My husband Greg and I adopted Andres (11) and Catalina (8), half-brother and sister, three years ago from Colombia. At the time we were 44 and 50 respectively and they are our only children. (We married late and kids had never been on my horizon so it took me a while to come around to the idea) We brought our two little urbanites back to a rural home outside a small town in Kansas. We expected challenges and have had plenty and continue to, but overall they are doing well and are just precious. I joined the class because I've become completely convinced that their continuing health and well-being and that of our family as a whole, is mostly dependent on how we, their parents, manage ourselves in relation to them.
Over the past three years I've found myself reacting to the kids in ways I didn't know I had in me. Their anger and frustration just brought out the same in me and still does, much of the time. Thanks to Bryan Post and Heather Forbes, through whom I ultimately found this group, we're slowly learning new ways of responding to them and it has made a huge difference in our household. (We started out with the same type of discipline I was raised with and it didn't work at all!!) I'm sure time has made a difference too - after three years we have a familial rhythm and there is a greater level of trust between us all.
I read some posts about the different, extremely challenging situations people are in with their children and I just tear up because I know how difficult it has been for us and our children are relatively easy. And then I see that several of you are working, single moms and I just don't know how you do it. Before we got the kids, I always felt I would survive if something happened to my husband; now my worst fear is that something would happen to him. I can't imagine doing this without him. We're often a "tag team" - when one is stressed, the other can take over and provide a bit of down time for the other. We can comfort each other too. When you're one alone, that's when finding ways to increase the window of stress tolerance is really serious business and I would imagine, an incredible challenge.
For myself, I want to become more objective about my children - not to take their anger so personally. I get triggered so easily - not nearly as much as before, but still way too much to be as useful and helpful of a mom as I want to be. We used to hold them (as in contain them) in the first couple of years because we just didn't know how to diffuse their anger, were overwhelmed by the extent of it, and didn't know what else to do. But we all came away from those experiences feeling such deep sadness and failure and that we had just added more trauma into their young bodies.
There's plenty more to share - but it's the middle of the night - and I'm getting sleepy - so I'll save it for future posts. I'm looking forward to getting to know you and am so grateful that you're all there.
Megan