Principal "offended" by suggestions

[Jacki]

I have to schedule an appt for my husband & I to sit with the principal and Kindergarten teacher to discuss how offended they are by my suggestions from a post here and my reading the Beyond Consequences book and listening to the 10 steps for back to school audio CD. Classroom teacher is a first year teacher, young and someone I can talk with well. The principal & I just don't have that communication. I'm having trouble with her tone of voice and her focus on "their" feelings, rather than the subject of my son and his school experience. The current issue is having trouble focusing and sitting at his table in lunch - IT'S LUNCH! We are in NJ, the weather is getting cold and no appropriate for the children to run outside for gym. Also, they were putting him on time out for classroom behavior and/or not allowing him to go to recess. He's 5 and really needs that physical release! Anyway, any suggestions for approaching the principal meeting? Thanks.

[Ryan]

Wow!! What a difficult circumstance to be in! First, breathe. I know that if I get called to the Principal's office, the fear from my own elementary experience still haunts me to this day and I am a teacher!!. Make sure you address your own fears and concerns that this situation may be bringing up so you are better able to stay regulated during the meeting. Remember, you are the parent and the most important person in your child's education.

It seems that the relationship is stressful and very confrontational between you and the principal. You may want to start the meeting by listening to and then validating how the principal is feeling about your suggestions. The principal appears to be concerned that if the students are not behaving, chaos will ensue and your child among others will not learn how to behave in school. The principal's role is to ensure that high levels of learning takes place for all of the students in your child's classroom and school. Now keep in mind that the definition of learning that many in education subscribe to is " a change in behavior." Unless your child's behavior has changed, no learning will have taken place and the principal, as far as she is concerned, has not done her job. The principal may be concerned that you are trying to prevent her and the teacher from doing their job.

Listen to the principal's concerns to help her get the fear out. If possible, try to shift the focus away from the what and how of working with children to the why. Share why you subscribe to the love-based paradigm. You may then want to ask questions to help move the conversation, such as: How important is physical activity to the academic success of a kindergarten student? What alternatives to taking away physical activity can you suggest? Other than lunch, what are some other physical outlets for my child?

It will be very difficult to get the pervasive green, yellow and red light type behavior plan out of the kindergarten classroom. The battle you may wish to fight at this point is having input in how your child's behaviors are dealt with. It is not the unconditional teaching and treatment that you are looking for, but it can reduce the stress your child is under at school. Furthermore, by actively listening and setting a more positive tone with the principal, the stress level will be reduced even further giving your child a better chance of having a positive school experience.

As far as scheduling the meeting goes, allow plenty of time for all parties to feel like they have been heard. Be wary of a time that is 15 minutes before students are to start school. Conferences are often scheduled up against a hard time limitation to keep them brief. You may want to ask how much time is being allowed for the conference. Not feeling rushed will help to reduce stress and increase productivity in the meeting.

Let me know how it goes!!

Regards,

Ryan

[Denise]

As a former Kindergarten, preschool, and homeschool teacher, I would like to add my personal experience to your question. First, I would like to say that I totally agree with Ryan. If you go in with an approach to "fix" the public school's approach to displine, you are fighting a losing battle. I too had many issues with our local schools and decided to homeschool for 6 years. During that time I worked on my own control issues and was able to step back and see both the good and bad with public schools (and also homeschooling). Now all 3 of my girls are in public school with my youngest in Kindergarten. Her teacher uses the card system for displine (the child's card changes with "misbehavors", many times talking without raising her hand). I have basicly chooses to "choose my battles". No, I don't like everything that happens in the classroom but right now the "good" outweighs the "bad" in the public school but I always keep homeschooling as an option for us.
I think it is key that you face your own issues in dealing with your child and the school. Have you thought about your own fears? As I did this I saw that some of the issues were more about me than about my daughter.
Also, something that has helped me is to make a list of the "positive" things that are happening in school with my daughter. When you focus on positive then more positive happens in your life.
Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

[Jacki]

Thanks, but I'm not sure what you mean about my own fears. I'm VERY new to this fear-based thinking. Like Chapter 3 in the BC book

[Denise]

I’m glad you asked. First let me state that I cannot speak for BCI or Consciously Parenting. I am speaking as a mother and a One Brain Facilitator. (www.3in1concepts.net)
As we journey through life, we tend to repeat the same cycles (patterns) over and over again. Many times something happened in early childhood that triggered a certain emotion. Then when a similar situation occurs, we subconsciously go back to the first incident and repeat the behavior. For example, in early elementary school, “Susan” was asked to read aloud. She became nervous and stumbled over some words. Some of her classmates laughed at her. Now every time Susan reads aloud, she remembers that embarrassing incident (either consciously or subconsciously) and continues the pattern of stumbling over words. Unless something happens to defuse this incident, Susan will live her full life always hating to read aloud.
So, how does this affect you and the situation you are dealing with your son and the school? The first step is to look at yourself and why this is triggering such strong emotions for you. Is there something that happened in your past and you see a pattern that is repeating itself? Is there something that you are afraid of?
I will share a personal experience that happened to me at the beginning of this school year. Amanda was nervous about starting Kindergarten. The first day of school, she asked me to stay. Without asking permission, I went with her in the classroom and sat in the corner. (I had talked to her before about where I would be and that she wouldn’t be able to come to me. She was just needing to see me) When you first look at the situation, you would think that it was Amanda’s issue because she was voicing that she wanted me to stay. However, when we got in the classroom, I saw that she was regulated and I believe she even forgot that I was there. After a few weeks of spending all afternoon with her in the classroom, I realized that this “fear of separation” was not hers but belonged to ME. I did a One Brain defusion with a friend, who is also a facilitator, and we discovered that indeed this was more my issue than Amanda’s. (Amanda was a voice to my fear). After the session, I was more comfortable letting Amanda go (Yes, she is the youngest of 3!) Once I resolved my issue with “separation anxiety” she stopped asking me to stay every day. She still occasionally asked me to stay but does fine when I tell her I have an appointment or other plans. I also volunteer in her room several times a month.
Good luck on this step of self-discovery. If you are interested in using the One Brain Method, please e-mail me at newchoices@insightbb.com