Homeschooling Challenges

[artsymominnc]

I am a new member (Liz.) I included some basic details in my intro but will try to be a little more specific regarding my homeschooling concerns as I post under this heading.

I have been homeschooling my 9-year-old adopted son named Sasha for the past year and a half (+.) My decision to homeschool came about because he was so stressed out in the public school environment. We had an IEP in place for the entire time he was in public school (preschool through second grade), but we always struggled with trying to convince his teachers that things were more problematic than what they were seeing. He had gotten rather good at hiding his difficulties....hiding his work...getting other kids to give him answers, etc.

My best guess is that his teachers were well fooled by his apparent confidence, and somehow he managed to come out looking almost average in his academics when he was re-tested for his 3-year re-evaluation in the Fall of his second grade year. About the time that he was exited from "developmentally delayed" we revisited his IEP with a new diagnosis of PDD-NOS. A new IEP was in place, but we were very discouraged to find that his teachers (classroom and resource teacher, speech teacher, and OT) were not consistently following the terms...nor were they working together. Everyone seemed to be doing their own thing on their own terms. It wasn't good...and rather than fight the system (which does not have a good reputation for its special ed. services), we opted to pursue homeschooling.

Perhaps I was being somewhat naive in my expectations, but I was willing to put less emphasis on the "academics" and more emphasis on building his self-confidence....giving him opportunities to experience learning at his own pace with lots of support and breaks whenever needed. I was also intent upon integrating sensory therapy activities into his days.

Things were going OK for the first month or two...maybe it was just that he was so relieved not to be in public school. But by October or so, things started to seem so much more stressful for both of us. He became more and more reluctant to work with me...seemingly more intimidated by anything that I was asking him to do. By January we were having days where school work seemed like a continuous battle...he didn't seem to like anything I tried to do, and he wasn't making any progress in areas like math and reading. We were still working on the same skills over and over again...first grade skills basically, and it seemed like nothing was ever sticking so we couldn't move forward.

We got to a point where we couldn't really focus on school at all. He was so anxious all the time and I more or less resigned myself to focusing on getting his stress level down rather than trying to teach him. He likes building toys, so he spent hours and hours building things....some days were better than others. I can sometimes gauge how he's feeling more or less by the complexity of what he builds. Usually he built the same sort of structures over and over again.

This past summer, we took a break from school and responsibility altogether. I tried to give him a stress-free period of a little more than 2 months to just play and relax....but he didn't relax. This was one of the most uptight summers we have had. He didn't like being home for a day of play any more than he liked it when we'd run an errand or plan an activity. He has very little interest in doing anything with any of us, so it's always a challenge to find ways to "engage" him.

He's rather fearful of animals, so he doesn't like to go for walks because we often see dogs in people's yards. He gets easily confused by board games...even simple ones. He's easily frightened or bothered by stories that I read to him. If someone is angry or scared in the story, he doesn't like it. Movies are the same. He becomes excessively worried that I am going to take him somewhere even on days when I've stated that we're home for the whole day to do school and play. He is especially inclined to say things like that when my car is in the shop...you'd think he'd know that we can't go anywhere because we don't have a car to use!

I have debated back and forth whether it's good to continue homeschooling him. My gut feeling is that he's better off at home with me because I know him better than anyone....but the reality seems to be that he's not doing well under these circumstances. We had a couple of decent months this school year until the beginning of October.

We took a week off in early October, things were bad and have only gotten worse since. How do I begin to explain all this...sorry...it's a LONG story, but suffice it to say that we're in the process of having him go back to school for an hour and a half daily to work with a special ed. teacher on reading and math only. He is NOT happy about it, and I have not been able to pull together a good school week in more than a month.

He seems to blame me for "sending him" back to public school and he has come up with one reason after another to worry and behave negatively about school in general...he can't work with me...he doesn't want to work with Mrs. Allen.

I feel as though I am leaving out way too many details that would fill in some gaps and provide a better picture of our situation. One of the main reasons we're working with the public school again is because my husband and I have come to an agreement that I can't expect to homeschool Sasha again next year. We need to get him back in public school so that I can try to salvage my role as "mom" before he wears me out completely.

My husband is in the process of job hunting because we recognize that we are not going to find the services and support we need here. He has been interviewing...added stress for the family....and we're hopeful for something better to come our way...soon??? Next week he's off to Fargo, ND...which would be quite a change from North Carolina!

We have not mentioned my husband's job search to Sasha and don't intend to until we have something definitive to say. He can't handle a trip to Wal-Mart...so you can bet that we have to be very guarded about what we say in front of him. It's a matter of protecting him from his own tendency to worry excessively and to distort what information we do give him.

I have to finish this up...my older son, Paul, is waiting for a spelling test!

I am looking forward to meeting all of you.

Liz

[Rebecca]

:hug
I get it. I really do. My son is 9 and I pulled him out of public school to homeschool. He's really bright, but getting him to do anything academic was challenging.

Something that struck me when I was reading your post is that developmentally, he isn't 9. You are seeing a 9 year old and have expectations for a 9 year old. But he isn't 9 emotionally. In order to meet his needs, academically and emotionally, you're going to have to meet him at his emotional age. Where would you put him, if you had to guess? It sounds to me, just from what you've said, that he is probably closer to 2 or 3. A very scared 2 or 3 year old.

So, think back to when your bio son was that age chronologically. What were your days like? What did you expect from him?

It is going to take meeting him where he is emotionally for him to move forward and ready for the challenges of his chronological age. You have the time homeschooling to do this.

Remember that a child who is in a stress state cannot learn. Soothe the stress and he will be ready to learn. I was happy to hear that you had abandoned all academics for a while and were focusing on the relationship. I think you just need some more information and support to help him move forward. You can do it, I promise.

So structure your days as if he was a 2 year old. He needs some structure, but something attuned to him. Waldorf philosophy has a wonderful version of this focusing on creating a rhythm to the day. Sasha doesn't have that internal rhythm- in breath, out breath, time of activity, time of quiet. And since he doesn't handle transitions well, this would have to be very gentle. That means that you wouldn't be using a clock to plan your day, but knowing that he can handle an activity for only 10 minutes, you would plan accordingly. With my older son, I used a simple and inexpensive system to help him understand what was going to happen next. I took baggies and created a poster on the wall (attaching the baggies to poster board) using index cards with the activities for the day. I included cards for each thing we were going to do, including the foods we were going to eat at each meal. My son and I would take a short time at bedtime the night before to put the cards in place. It was divided up into before breakfast, after breakfast, before lunch, after lunch, etc. You might consider trying something like that- visual to create safety.

Understanding him from his emotional age may help give you some extra patience with his process. It is through that understanding and acceptance of where he is in this very moment that he will be able to heal.

If you can, I'd wait for a while longer before adding the stress of the school environment, even if it is only for a few hours. He will be ready to learn when his stress is calmed. How much will he get out of the instruction when is it multiple transitions close together in an environment he isn't emotionally ready to handle? Probably not much. It takes recognizing your own fears and finding the places you can make it different. That said, I know you need to make the best decision for your own family. I simply would like to provide some additional information to help you make an informed decision.

Feel free to ask more questions as they arise for you or if you'd like more information about anything I've said here.

I hear that you are very concerned about his lack of progress academically since he has been home with you. But one thing I've had to undo from my education background is that children do not learn in neat increments. They tend to take giant leaps when they're ready. Helping him to create safety and learning to calm down his own nervous system are critical for him. These are things that you can do for him.

Check in with us often and let us know how you're doing.

[artsymominnc]

I don't have a lot of time for a detailed explanation of all the things that I have tried, but I did want to comment that I have recognized for a long time that he is not functioning at a 9-year-old level, and I even a year ago I was already bringing things down to the level of say a 4- or 5-year old. I recognize that he still needs to hold my hand and sit in my lap and have me provide the structure for him throughout his day.

You suggested waiting before we add in the stress of a school environment. I'm not sure that I was able to communicate well in my initial post that for more than a year now he has literally been shutting down against my efforts to homeschool. Maybe this is not the best format to seek help or opinions because I don't know that I can express everything we've been through...all that we've tried.

For the time being, let me just say that the typical response I have gotten whenever I have "lowered the bar" as far as my expectations is that he has withdrawn even further into being able to do next to nothing. Even play time is only somewhat satisfying for him as a means of calming. It's really more of an escape from the reality of life and family.

I suppose I am coming across as feeling defensive, and I suppose it's fair to admit that I have had my ego bruised a number of times as I keep hitting one dead end after another trying to reach him. It feels like every time I get close enough to connect for a day or two, he pulls back.

I am not opposed to the idea of homeschooling him longer, in fact I am the one who has persevered with this intent through thick and thin for more than a year now while my husband and the psychiatrist we're working with...and numerous other people have encouraged me to get him back in school. The reason I agreed to consider part-time placement is because I am hoping that he might benefit from me taking off te teacher hat for a while and just being mom.

What I'm struggling with most is that my son's emotional state is so fragile that he can't even imagine himself succeeding...so he hardly puts any effort into working with me...on anything...anymore. He's so scared on the inside that he doesn't feel comfortable doing anything. He doesn't do any better with a quiet day at home than he does with a day when we need to run an errand to the grocery store or Wal-Mart.

I'll be the first to admit that we keep him rather sheltered because we know that he can't handle much. So it's hard to get through days when he's anxious that I'm going to ask him to do something that I haven't even talked about. He seems to expect the worst of every situation, and our reassurance and comfort only carry him so far before he's latched onto another worry...another doubt...a bigger fear.

The funny thing is that when we do "connect" and he responds to what I'm trying to teach him, he does seem to feel happier. He liked it when I filled the bathtub with water and we took a collection of objects and tested each one to see what floated and what sank. That was a math lesson....and I have many more ideas to work with on that simple level....but he can't seem to bring himself to trust that he can engage with me like that.

I really have worked hard in the past year (+) to discern where he is at both emotionally and cognitively. My greatest concern is that he's "stuck" and has been for quite some time.

How can I justify continuing homeschooling when he is not responding to me? I agree that sending him back to public school is not our best option, but I'm kind of stuck too. His persistent anxiety and withdrawn state of mind has been very challenging to handle and I don't know what else to do.

My time is up.... thanks for your response.

Liz

[Rebecca]

What does it do to you when he shuts down? Whenever there is a stuck point that just seems insurmountable, I always check in with that kind of question.

I know that you're frustrated and it feels like nothing is working. I hear that you just don't know what else to do to connect with him. I also hear that you understand emotional age and have for a while. I'm glad that you shared that with me. It does help me to understand better. Sometimes writing it all out doesn't convey the depth the way a conversation would... one of the limitations of e-mail, for sure.

In order to shift this situation, it is going to take digging down deep within yourself. You can't change him. He is where he is. But you have the power to help him shift back toward regulation by being mindful of your own stress level. It may be that right now you just can't stay regulated with him home all day. Some families need this kind of a break for that reason, among others.

So, I asked the first question: What does it do to you when he shuts down? I can feel even through the e-mail that this is very difficult for you. What situations did you have that were similar when you were growing up... where you felt the same feelings you do when your son shuts down? What are your fears about when this happens? I hear that there is much concern about his lack of academic progress. I would be concerned, too. But recognize that the stress you feel will add to his dysregulation and move him further into a shut down state and less able to do what you need him to do. It is a negative feedback loop and someone needs to make it different. He can't do it. That leaves you.

So, what to do? Work on diffusing your own stress about this whole situation, which is easier said than done. You're feeling so much stress because you care about your son so much and you only want things to get better for him. If you haven't, allow yourself to really feel how hard this has been and share it with someone who can really hear you. If you're not expressing those feelings, it will block your efforts to connect with your son. If you have expressed them, affirm that you do have the power to make this different for your son. You do have the power within you. Every moment is a new moment and you have the power to make it different right now.

You do have the answers within you. I can see that you are very dedicated to your son's success and I really want to honor that. It is not an easy place you have been. Connecting with him on a deep emotional level is what will move him out of being stuck. Loving him unconditionally for where he is will move him forward, connecting with his pain of abandonment. Even though he has been with you for a while, his system is still in survival. You can help him to move out of survival, but it will take looking at your own part of this. That isn't meant to be blaming. Through looking at where you are in this moment, you have the possibility of making it different. And that is empowering. He needs you to be fully emotionally present with him and that means setting all of your own worries and fears aside. This is where healing happens.

When you're "lowering the bar," I feel disappointment at having to do this. That isn't unconditional love and acceptance. Most of us have not experienced this depth of unconditional love and acceptance, so we don't readily identify it. It is difficult to do something for someone else that we haven't experienced for ourselves.

You're a good mom and what happens with your son is not a reflection of this. Validating yourself and not expecting it to come from him will also help shift this pattern. He feels that he has let you down. Release the stress around this and you can both move forward.

I hope that this gives you some more information to help you shift this pattern with your son to a more positive place. I welcome your thoughts about what I wrote. I also offer phone coaching if you would rather use a different format for this discussion or for additional help in processing your own pieces of what's happening in this dynamic with your son, if you think that would be helpful to you.

[Denise]

Wow, it sounds like you have gone through many, many struggles with your child, and he is not your only one. You also seem to be well connected with him and are aware when he his feeling uncomfortable. That alone is a great accomplishment.

As far as academics, I too struggled with my child to sit down and do “school work” with me. Then I discovered unschooling. My children are learning but differently than conventional school. I recommend that you do some research in this area to see if it fits your beliefs. Children love to learn, they just don’t always want to learn what we feel is necessary for them to learn. He is going to learn more when he is NOT in a stressful environment. He IS learning when he is playing (building these structures.) Find his interests and teach from that angle. Buy different types of building materials. Find some picture books or other simple books at the library about building. I tell people that my children are always learning whether we are reading a book or digging in the dirt, WE are learning about our environment and each other.

I also recommend The Consciously Parenting Projects book pick for the month, Playful Parenting. Take the time to play, just play, with Sasha. Connect with him and just stay present. Take time to enjoy your son.
Another important aspect of this is that you take time for you. You are under an incredible amount of stress right now and it is important that you find time for yourself every day, even if it is just a walk around the block.

Here is an e-mail hug for all that you do!:bighug

[artsymominnc]

Rebecca and Denise...thank you both for your support and encouragement. This was a particularly difficult week for us. I was sick with a stomach virus last weekend. (It hit everyone in our famliy, and I was the last to get it.) I can't recall the last time I was quite this sick, but I suppose there was some sort of cummulative effect after taking care of everyone else through their sickness.

On top of that, Monday was my son's first day working with the special ed. teacher at the public school. Tuesday was his last day....and we're not going back! Without going into a lot of unnecessary detail, suffice it to say that it wasn't a good match.

My son was so stressed out that he was sobbing uncontrollably before we even got to the parking lot when I picked him up on Tuesday. We lucked out with a weather-related delay on Wedneday, and I didn't have to take him. I took the opportunity to email his teacher and to express my concerns and observations.

Her response gave me every reason to believe that nothing would change if we kept taking him, so we let her know that he would not be returning. We emailed her supervisor...but haven't gotten any response. I don't suppose we really expect one.

So, any hope that we had invested in seeking support from our local school system has more or less been dropped. That's not necessarily a bad thing because the main reason we decided to homeschool in the first place was because we recognized that special ed. services within our county are very limited.

My concern now is that when we make a move, we'll move into a new school system without an IEP. I don't know if that will make a big difference, but having an IEP certainly helped us when we moved here from Raleigh almost six years ago. It gave us leverage for an in-school preschool placement with speech services that I am sure the county would have been very reluctant to provide if we hadn't had the IEP.

Anyway...back to your quesitions. Rebecca asked what it does to me when my son "shuts down." That's a good question, and I think I have a decent answer. I admit that I feel more vulnerable now when he shuts down than I did even six months ago. Since my husband started looking for a different job, he has been pushing the idea of returning both of our boys to public school. He assures me that it's not because he doesn't have confidence in what I'm doing with homeschooling. Rather, he sees how stressed I feel trying to juggle so much...and he believes that both boys would benefit from public schooling if we can find the right services.

I'm all too aware that I don't really feel the same way....but I'm trying to keep an open mind and trying to appreciate that maybe I'm too close to the situation to make the best choice. I feel vulnerable when my younger son shuts down because I see it as further validation that maybe I'm not meeting his needs at home. It doesn't help to strengthen my confidence that I can do this. I feel like I just need more time to learn and more support backing me up while I'm tracking to support our boys in their schooling efforts.

The experience this past week of seeing my son in fear to be back in school was really hard for me. I saw myself as something like a mother bear protecting her cub, and I was quite upset with the teacher for her dismissal of all the information that I had confided in her. I felt put down by her remarks...as if she knew my son better than I did after working with him for less than 4 hours!

Now I don't know how I feel about the idea of working with the public school system again. We've not had a good experience with either of our boys...and I'm not feeling particularly eager to subject our family to the opinions of well-meaning teachers again.

My heart is telling me that I want to continue homeschooling both of my boys. My husband, however, is telling me that maybe it's not a good idea. My son's psychiatrist is also not entirely in favor of homeschooling. Every monthly appointment, the question comes up as to whether or not he's fallen "too far" behind.

The disappointment I feel when I have had to lower the bar again and again is also tied into my fear of what other people are going to think. It hasn't helped matters to have an older gifted son who is way above grade level. People see what Paul is capable of and they start asking Sasha questions about what he can do.

Sometimes I think I have a tendency to keep myslef isolated and not seek out support or friendship for myself because I don't always know how best to express these issues without someone offering an unwanted opinion or making a judgement of either my son's abilities or mine. It's such a personal thing for us....I crave having someone to talk to, but I often don't know where to turn.

My husband's work schedule is such that he often leaves home right after breakfast and doesn't come home again until around 7:00 most nights...sometimes earlier, often later. It's hard to expect him to fully appreciate the relationship that I have developed with the boys...and how much I would truly miss having that round the clock connection with them if we opt to return to public school.

I don't think he's necessarily opposed to the idea of me continuing homeschooling, but I'm pretty sure that he's seeing things from a very different perspective. (He's a child psychologist by profession, and sometimes he continues that role when he's interacting with the boys. I think he has had a harder time defining his role as "dad" than I have had with my role as "mom.")

Taking time for me....I have really missed out on a lot of opportunities to do things for myself because my time is tied up with the boys. My husband does what he can here and there to give me some time off, but it's not much. He's just not home enough to cover for more than short periods of time...and when he is home, he usually has work to catch up on. I am not laying blame...just trying to state what our situation is. He's in private practice, and money's been tight for the past several years.

I just purchased a copy of Playful Parenting as well as several other books that I hope to make time to read soon! One of the books is I Love You Rituals and another one is The Five Love Languages of Children. I have collected quite a library of good books in recent years....wish I had more time to read and really digest all the contents!

My time is up...the boys are waiting for breakfast...and my tummy is rumbling too. My husband has been in North Dakota since Thursday for a job inerview. He'll be coming home late tonight. The interview time went well...today he's taking a tour with a realtor.

Thanks again for listening.

Liz

[artsymominnc]

I've been reflecting on the idea that my frustration with my son's "shutting down" is somehow connected to my own past....and I think that I've been able to dig a little deeper in re-tracing my own past experiences that are most likely connected.

One of the most obvious connections that I felt I'd already addressed is the fact that just prior to our adoption of Sasha, I had started a part-time job teaching art (K-8) at a brand new Catholic school. I had invested so much into this job. I had planned an entire curriculum of lessons for each grade level for the entire year....and the principal I worked for wasn't the least bit interested in anything that I was doing, in fact, she was extremely critical of me. I don't care to rehash the details....but I ended up quitting just before we left for Ukraine. The stress had been more than I could handle, and I wanted to focus on the adoption.

Going back a little further....the year prior to that, I had taught part-time (just 10 hours/week for minimal pay) at another private school. It wasn't a bad job, and I probably would have stayed with it if the opportunity at the Catholic school hadn't come up. But some of the disadvantages were that I was basically using a trailer that was also used as the school cafeteria. There was very little space to store the art work, and my "office" was a small supply closet without a desk or chair. I used to eat my lunch on the floor while I tried to prepare for my afternoon because just outside the door during lunch period, it was really loud and there was nowhere for me to sit.

Back up a little further....for the previous five years my job had been to work as an art teacher at the state school for the blind. I'd started the job in October 1994 as a temporary substitute during the regular teacher's maternity leave. I had just met Fred (my husband) in mid-August.

My sister had married his brother, and Fred and I were in the wedding together as best man and maid of honor. I was job hunting at the time, and something had "clicked" between us during those few days out in Montana. Two weeks after the wedding, I had an interview for a job and actually got an offer, but I turned it down because I truly felt I was supposed to move to NC--which I did.

The job at the school for the blind started out to be a really nice job. I was good at it. I had a nice classroom of my own...I got along well with the kids...I had initially had lots of administrative support to try to add things to the art program...and I was encouraged when the regular art teacher extended her leave time and I got the job permanently by the second school year.

By the start of the second year, I had married Fred, and by the end of the second year, I was pregnant with our son, Paul. I wanted so badly to be able to cut back to part-time after Paul was born. I recongized that in such a small school, there was only so much art that I could do....but the administration couldn't/wouldn't cut back my position. I understood their reasons, and I stuck with it. That first year the principal was kind enough to be a bit flexible to let me take off early on Fridays as long as I put in some time working later on Mondays through Thurdays. So I got involved in reading to the kids after school sometimes, among other things.

By my fourth and fifth years with the school, the administrative structure had changed hands completely. I had taken initiative to start adding classes for the middle and high school students...which was a good thing...but it opened me up as a target for being assigned to teach a 7th and 8th grade history class that I was not prepared to teach. On top of that, one of the kids in the class was a really difficult student as far as his behavior, and I wasn't ready for that.

While all this was going on, my husband and I were also already dealing head-on with infertility issues. By the end of that school year, I was feeling really discouraged about my job and even more discouraged about our efforts to have another baby. When I learned that plans were brewing for me to be assigned more middle and high school subjects to teach...I knew it was time for me to quit.

But the timing of quitting was lousy because this was also the time that I was proposing the idea to my husband that we could adopt. I'm sure he was thinking I was nuts because I had just quit a full-time job...and then I expected to dive into the adoption process. I was able to get the first part-time job at the private school, but I was only making about $10.00 an hour with no benefits. That wasn't going to help much....but I know that he supported my need to quite because the stress at the school was too intense for me. He was working their too as the staff psychologist, and I kept prompting him to look at other options, but it took him another two years before he was ready to consider leaving.

Going back even farther....the reason I was job hunting when I met Fred in Montana was because I had been laid off from teaching art in Elgin, IL where I had worked for three years. Budget cuts had forced the district to lay off half of all art, music, and P. E. teachers....which was so unexpected, because when I got the job, the district had just re-started their art program. My job was teaching art at two schools, and I worked without a classroom of my own. I couldnt even use a cart because the school had multiple levels.

My first year had been awful because I had a supervisor who was very critical of me. If the kids were talking or out of their seats, it was a reflection of my lack of classroom control...according to him. I had a particularly difficult group of sixth graders and my supervisor, and I almost got fired because my supervisor felt I couldn't control them. I ended the year in tears, but was determined that I was not going to let him intimidate me. I had a lot of support from my fellow teachers, and I worked really hard for the next two years. The walls of the school were always filled with art works, and I pushed myself to bring out uniqueness in my students as much as I could. I was always big on integrated learning and individual expression....and my students knew I wanted to see their ideas...not copies of mine. There was never enough room for me to store everything in my "office" and I often used my own money to buy books and materials I need to fulfill my ideas...but I poured myself into that job. It hurt a lot to be let go.

My whole teaching experience right after college began with a lot of uncertainty on my part as to what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. After college, I had returned to my parents' home in Wisconsin, and I had several interviews that first summer. I even had a couple of offers...one offer would have taken me to Missouri, but I turned it down because it seemed so far away. (I wonder what it would have been like now....but at the time, I was too scared to venture out on my own that much.) I also had an offer for a position in Wsiconsin, but it was only a 75% position....and I wasn't sure I could afford to start with that...which seems kind of silly in hindsight because I ended up accepting a 40% position in my hometown.

I lived with my parents and taught two days a week. I had a beautiful large art room and I was so happy with the opportunity to teach first, second, and third graders. Everything was good except for the fact that I wasn't working full time. I knew I needed to find something else....so I quit at the end of the first year in hopes that something better was around the corner. Sadly....it wasn't. I did some subbing and worked at a dry cleaners for the next year. Another year passed with no leads. During the thrid year, I was able to fill a long-term subbing position for another art teacher I had befriended in my hometown. It was full-time from October through the end of the school year....and it went really well. I guess it helped me get my confidence back because before the school year ended, I already knew that I'd be moving on to Elgin.

That was a lot of back-tracking, and I apologize for being long-winded, but my point is that my teaching career has been riddled with disappintments and obstacles that have prevented me from being able to do the type of teaching from my heart that I feel makes me a good teacher.

I've even tried doing some private, short term teaching in various ways at an art center, through my church, and through various university programs. I've lost track now of all the ways I have tried to find my niche in art and teaching, but I can see rather clearly now that nothing has ever been a good long-term fit for me...enough to satisfy this longing that I feel to be able to offer something and feel appreciated.

I have no doubt that all of this weighs on me and has affected my interpretation of Sasha's involvement (or lack thereof) when I'm trying to teach him. I feel a sense of failure. It may not be logical...I can argue that I have invested myself in each of these experiences whole-heartedly and I've done a lot of good work and hopefully empowered a lot of my students to feel safe in their self-expression. But I keep coming back to a perception on my part that I am as fearful of his rejection of me as he seems to be afraid that I will reject him.

Thanks for listening.

Liz

[Rebecca]

Sounds like you've done quite a bit of thinking on this question and that's really a good thing. How could you not feel dysregulated when your son isn't responding to what you're trying to do with him after your experiences!

The emotional piece is a big one with all of those experiences and I would encourage you to find someone who can truly listen to and validate your feelings about all of that. Express it and allow it to come out. This will help you stay clear in the present moment with your son so you can see him for where he is... he is completely terrified and it isn't about you. That's hard to hear, but it is also freeing at the same time. He isn't rejecting you. That is your interpretation. He is doing the best he can right now, just as you are. Love and forgive yourself for being unable to connect with him in the past. Let go of the outcome and focus on the relationship, being present with him in this moment exactly where he is right now. This is how you will begin to move forward.

Feelings tend not to be logical, but are still there for a reason. Even if it doesn't make sense cognitively that this is where you are, allow it. It is there for a reason.

I'd probably also think about your childhood and just ask the question if anyone used to shut down on you when you were growing up (or did you react that way?), just as another angle to visit on this topic.

Please feel free to share anything that comes up and let us know how we can best support you on your parenting journey.

[Denise]

Please know that we are here to help and support you through this process. Rebecca makes some very good points. Your children’s dysregulation is NOT about you. It is their way to communicate with you. Sometimes it is hard to stay present when you “hear” (see) this communication. It brings up stresses in us, something that happened to us in the past. Rebecca provides an excellent resource to help sort through these issues.

You might want to consider healing YOUR stresses. That is why I said it was so important to take care of yourself FIRST. It is hard to stay regulated with your child if you are feeling dysregulated within yourself.

The first step is to recognize the problem and see how that has played out in your life.
I read about how you saw the pattern you were experiencing with teaching. I encourage you to continue back. This pattern probably didn’t start with your first teaching job. Think about how YOU were treated in school. Were their times that you felt like a failure as a student? Go back even further (most patterns start within the 1st 6 years of our lives). Was there a time when you felt like you didn’t have a choice, when you felt discouraged as a young child? What other feelings come to mind?

So, you may be asking, “How does my childhood experiences relate to the issues I’m having with my children?” I believe we unconsciously pass our issues on to our children. OUR patterns start to become THEIR patterns. Not always, especially when we become aware of them and make a conscious choice to do something different. Many children of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves unless and until they recognize the issues and make a choice to take another route.

You have taken the first step by reaching out on this forum. Pat yourself on the back and know that you are doing the right thing. Follow your instincts. You DO know your child best!

Denise

[artsymominnc]

The more I think about it...I can see several connections between the pattern of my experiences as a teacher with the experiences I had as a student.

I didn't have a lot of self-confidence as a child. I was smart and I had a reputation for staying out of trouble, but I don't think that made me feel special. I was afraid to get into trouble. No one expected me to...so I worked really hard to avoid it.

I was a very good student, but I don't remember much about what I did or learned in elementary school or high school. I was often bored.

I had a strong dislike for P. E. class because I wasn't particularly athletic. I used to deliberately "forget" my gum clothes or fake an illness so that I didn't have to participate in certain lessons. No one ever confronted me about it even when I onvce got a really low grade because I had missed so many classes!

I had friends, but I never had what I'd call a true friend. I used to play with other kids after school or go to birthday parties, but I never spent the night at anyone's house. I was afraid to...but was also never encouraged to do it. I don't remember ever talking with my parents about it.

My parents were not swimmers, and I never learned to swim as a child. My siblings and I took lessons one summer when I was about 6, but we all quit. I'm still pretty much a "non-swimmer" because I'm afraid of deep water. I took beginning lessons in college. Only two of us in the class were true beginners. I felt embarrassed that I couldn't keep up with the skills. I finished the class, but I didn't earn my beginner certificate.

I love art. I started drawing when I was quite young, and I remember winning a coloring contest when I was about five. My mom encouraged my drawing by buying me a sketch book and pencils...and yet, to this day, she still doesn't understand why I prefer pencil drawing and watercolors when she thinks charcoal drawings are so much better. My dad never said much but my sense was that he had a degree of pride invested in my talent because my godmother's mother had been an artist (from his side of the family.)

I struggled emotionally all through high school. I focused on my grades and my art because otherwise I felt so out of place. My peers continued to expect me to be smart, so as science and math got harder, I stopped taking those subjects. I didn't know how to handle not getting good grades....making mistakes...admitting that I needed some help.

During my junior year, I was invited to participate in a small support group intended for "gifted" girls, and I joined...but dropped out quickly because I didn't know why I was included in the group. Somehow it didn't seem like my talent in art was on the same level with "academic" giftedness...and yet, had I been pushed a bit more, I wonder now if I could have done just as well with the advanced subjects.

I majored in art education in college, and I took several classes in art therapy. I dabbled with the idea of going to graduate school to become an art therapist...but I chickened out. I was afraid to venture beyond teaching which seemed safe and to some extent what I assumed my parents expected of me. (My mom had studied to be a teacher and never finished. My older sister had majored in elementary ed. and was teaching.)

Another significant issue is that until I met my husband I had never dated anyone. Sounds really odd, I bet...but I never felt like anyone saw me as having "dating potential." I was not popular.

There was one boy that I really liked a lot. He was a year older than me, and I had known him since elementary school. After he graduated, I tried to keep in touch with him....but I don't think he ever felt any romantic interest in me. He stopped writing and calling shortly after I went away to college and I never saw him again.

The while time my husband and I were dating, he was leading a young adult group. A lot of our "dates" were activities with the group, and I had a hard time with that because I wanted to be the center of his attention. These days he's leading the boys' Cub Scout pack and a lot of our family activities are Scout-related....those that he plans anyway. It's an issue for me that I often feel like I want to be more important to him than I think I am.

I was (and I suppose I continue to be) confused about how people see me. There are very few people who really know me. At this time, I don't have any really close friends. Since we moved to this small town almost six years ago, there has only been one person who has invited me to her house! We've invited people come to our house for parties and play dates, but we hardly ever get invited anywhere.

I would really like to have someone I can call who'd join me for a cup of coffee or to go shopping....but there's no one. I feel a bit embarrassed to say that, but it's hard to find other moms that I can talk to who understand the challenges that I'm dealing with. During casual conversations, most moms try to tell me that there kids are like that too...but I can tell that they don't really understand what I'm trying to say, and they don't seem to want to know.

So...how does this all connect to how I parent my children? Let me think about that some more...this is such a long post anyway!

My husband has taken the boys for a Scout activity for the day, and I'm taking advantage of some "time off." This was supposed to be a two night camp-out, but the weather turned bad and my husband decided not to do the camping part...so they left early this morning and will be coming back late tonight. I feel some disappointment that my weekend respite is cut short too....but it is what it is.

My husband has to leave tomorrow afternoon for a job interview in Cincinnati, OH. He'll return again on Tuesday evening. We're still waiting for any news following his interview a week ago in Fargo, ND.

Liz

Oh---I suppose one of the most obvious connections is that part of me is seeking to fill in some of my own gaps in what I would have liked my schooling years to have been like...if I had had a choice. That's not necessarily a bad thing...unless I'm too focused on what I want and it happens to be something that the boys aren't interested in...or something that isn't important to them. I'm generally OK with backing off on something when I discover that I'm the only one who wants to do it....but sometimes, in the matter of teaching Sasha basic math and reading skills. it doesn't seem all that negotiable.

[artsymominnc]

It's not Sunday morning...everyone is home safe and sound. I have a little more time while they're sleeping in. I have been reflecting on some of the patterns of avoidance and quitting that seem to keep popping up as I retrace my steps. It makes me wonder if this is either a sign of weakness in me or a strength.

I can think of times in my life when I have acted with pure conviction. I knew what I needed to do, and I saw it through. Those are the moments in life that have been the biggest turning points for me...so I feel like when it really counts for something, I pull through.

In regard to seeing myself as someone who has a tendency to "quit"....I guess it's debatable whether those were things I "ran away from" out of fear...or were they actually things that I tried for a while and decided they weren't important to me or didn't match my abilities? I think that's a fair question of myself....and I can even apply it to my awkwardness with dating and making friends.

When I met my husband, it meant so much to me to have found someone who "fit." (The funny thing is that my first impressions of him were that he was a rather goofy guy...he was very talkative and I remember wondering why he was working so hard to talk to me?) As it started to dawn on me that he might actually be "interested" in me, I felt genuinely happy and more relaxed about revealing who I was. I have a lot of good memories of those first few days in our relationship, and I knew in my heart when we said good-bye in Montana that we were going to see each other again. I wasn't afraid of losing him...and I wasn't afriad of returning home even thought I knew it was already mid-August and I didn't have a teaching job yet!

My point is that perhaps the reason I hadn't gotten involved in all sorts of "relationships" is because I knew deep down what kind of relationship I wanted...and I hadn't felt strong enough feelings for anyone to really invest myself until that time. I was waiting...and yet all around me, people my age were involved in series of relationships. I'm sure I seemed like an odd-ball. I know I often felt like one when people would inquire about whether or not I had a boyfriend. I was waiting.

I would have to say that I approach friendship in the same manner. I have had close friendships, and I still keep in touch with a handful of people through letters and email. I just don't feel like I have found many people here that I can relate to as a personal friend. There are two other moms that I enjoy talking to. One is a mother I met when we first moved here. She has two boys with autism, and she's in her third year of homeschooling her boys. When all of our boys were in public school, we used to get together for breakfast on occasion...to talk. It meant a lot to me to have that time together. But she's so busy now that we can't coordinate even for play dates very often. I miss her, but I'm having to accept that she doesn't have time for me, so I send her emails from time to time just to let her know that I'm thinking about her.

The other mom that I like to talk to is someone I know from church. She has two daughters who are older than my boys. Her youngest daughter has special needs, and that gave us the initial common ground to build on. She's very down-to-earth and fun to talk to. We try to get together on occasion for coffee or lunch, but her husband is quite a bit older than she is and he's not very involved with the girls, so she's usually taking care of the girls.

I seem to have a tendency to feel more at ease with moms who have a child or children with special needs because that is a huge part of my life right now. I don't know that I can relate to a typical "soccer mom" because that's not the path we're on....far from it.

Even in groups like this, I feel awkward. I was asked to be a global moderator for the traumaheadquarters.com site that Bethany visited. I was asked to do that because the owner of the site knew that I would promote Post principles, but I am definitely in a minority within that group. Even the owner hardly ever posts...so I'm trying to fit into a group and act as leader, but in doing so, I'm not finding that people are all that supportive of me for my needs.

I have gotten the impression that some people have appreciated my help and encouragement, but they can't necessarily reciprocate for me because they don't follow the same ideas. I've come close to quitting the group on several occasions because I'd like more support....but I guess I've stuck with it because I hope that maybe I'm making a slight difference...offering a different perspective that might bring hope instead of blame.

Taking care of myself has been so very complicated in the past few years. When the boys were in school, I was able to take time for exercise, and I actually lost about 30 pounds just by walking, doing yard work, and paying more attention to what I ate. I've gained it all back because I can't seem to consistently keep up with exercising and I dont pay a lot of attention to my eating habits when I feel so stressed. I purchased some walk-at-home dvds (Leslie Sansone) that I enjoy, but there's not enough time in the day to fit it in when I have been so preoccupied with these schooling issues--among other things.

For the next two weeks, we're on "vacation" from school, and I'm so hopeful that I can use the time to get out in the yard to work in my gardens, but the reality is that Sasha doesn't always like to go outside. There might be dogs that go by....they're friendly dogs, but he doesn't like them....so he associates being outside with fear. We have a screened porch that I often let him play on when I need to work outside, but it's facing one side of the yard and not the other...so I'm only nearby when I am working in one or two garden areas. Otherwise I am out of his line of sight most of the time.

I also have to remind myself that he doesn't typically do well with "vacation" time. That means change in routine...and he has a tendency to associate my choices to work on things like yard work and house work as time that I am not taking care of him. Yet, he doesn't like to join in with this sort of work...so I battle with my conscience. Do I do the work or not? (It's not going to get done if I don't...and it's important to me to do this now because we will most likely be trying to sell our house eventually. I want to spend some time making it look nicer.)

I've rambled again....I hope that this has made some sense. I guess I just wanted to counter some of the self-doubt that I felt I was portraying in recounting all the obstacles and isolation I have contended with in my past...and present. I wouldn't say that I have had an easy time with anything...but I don't want to leave an impression of feeling defeated either.

My time is up anyway...the boys are waking.

Thanks.
Liz

[greenbeanbanshee]

Hi, Liz. I just have to jump in here and say WOW. I have been reading everything you have posted and all the replies and I just am so impressed with your ability to write it all out and think it through so carefully. That is really a huge step in understanding all of this. To put words to your story and your feelings and try to trace it back to something else. You know, just keep asking yourself, "what does this remind me of?"

One thing that caught my eyes was the very last part of one of your recent posts. You said, "I suppose one of the most obvious connections is that part of me is seeking to fill in some of my own gaps in what I would have liked my schooling years to have been like...if I had had a choice." I thought, wow, that's such a huge dot to connect to the present. I was so impressed when you wrote that.

You also wrote that it's not necessarily a bad thing. I agree with you. You're a responsible parent who is trying to make it better for her children. BUT....it gets sticky here. Because as parents we do this type of thing all the time. Trying to fill the gap in our own lives through our children somehow. When we do this, it brings a subconscious air to the whole situation that maybe we aren't really aware of. It can create a negative feedback loop.

A great example of a negative feedback loop is when you walk up to someone you know in the grocery store and you say, "Hi, Bethany, how are you doing?" And I say, "Fine, thanks." But instantly, you know I'm not fine. Maybe it's my body language, or the tone of my voice. Maybe it's just the way I breathed as I said it or my heart rate that you really aren't aware of. But you know something its wrong. Suddenly your body responds and it's sort of uncomfortable for both of you. That's a negative feedback loop. Rebecca once described it to me as "negative energy you can just feel oozing off of someone". You can't really describe it maybe, but it's there somehow.

I think this is the type of thing I have done with my son so often, without even realizing it. I bring to my relationship with him all these needs of my own that I have inside me. I don't talk about them, maybe I'm not really conscious of them. But they are there and I am constantly seeking to fill those gaps and make it right in the universe -- for me, but also for them.

We know about these negative feedback loops that they cannot exist in the presence of a positive one. That is a really empowering thought. So, I would just challenge you to to work out your own negative experiences around school. And I think someone even brought up going back further, to when you were a tiny child. Look for those "gaps" as you called them. And put words to them. Keep writing them out, either here or in a journal or talking to a friend. Because I think if you can create a positive loop there around school for yourself, then your kids will pick up on that and it will become a positive feedback loop for both of you.

I hope what I'm saying is making sense. I feel like I'm not being clear. It would be work for you. I mean, this is probably pretty deep for you if you really think about it. But if homeschooling your boys is really important to you, then I guess you'd have to sort of decide if it's worth the work.

For me and my kids, I'm constantly working. Believe me when I say I brought about a million negative feedback loops into my marriage and into my parenting that I have to work on everyday still. But we have these great places for support like these forums and others that you are working on maybe. So use them. And don't forget that you are not alone, that we all struggle, and that I love having you on here. Reading everything you've written has touched me and I am thankful to see such a dedicated mom on here really trying hard to work it all out. Your kids are really lucky.

~Bethany

[greenbeanbanshee]

Also I was going to add that I am now in week three of Rebecca's tele-parenting support class and I would highly recommend it to ANY parent. She just takes you through the process of identifying your own sticky places and makes you really think of how they effect the relationships in your life. Like for me it's mostly my marriage right now. Realizing for me that I still have a lot of hurt feelings over things that happened between me and my mom, and how I've been bringing them to my husband and blaming him for that. It really was unconscious on my part. But the class sort of brought it all to the surface for me and this has been huge for my marriage. Plus you're there on the phone with these other moms who totally understand. I'd just really encourage you to think about taking the class. It's really equally a class as it is as much a support group.

Also, listening to the recording of Heather and Rebecca's phone discussion from the other night....it was really good too. About how we as parents can begin to heal ourselves. A lot of really great ideas were brought up.

So, I'm just rambling maybe. But it's important to me that parents like you and I find support and feel helped and heard.

~Bethany

[artsymominnc]

Bethany--thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Things have not gotten any easier areound here, in fact, I would say that the past week has been a steady down-hill slide. Our vacation time from school has not gotten off to a good start, and I am feeling some BIG concerns about what might be around the corner--assuming that my husband gets a job offer and we have to throw "moving" into the big picture.

He just returned from an interview in Cincinnati, OH and my impression is that it went well enough for him to assume there could be an offer in the making. (He also recently interviewed in Fargo, ND...still waiting to see if that results in an offer.) Either has potential for its own reasons....either would be a big change for us. That sort of change is hard enough to deal with when everyone is regulated....what happens when everyone is already feeling too much stress?

I appreciate the invitation to participate in the class. I have mixed feelings about doing something like that over the phone. How does that work? My first thought is that I might not know what to say...but then again, my next immediate thought is that I might say too much!

In regard to looking back even further into my childhood, one thought that jumped out at me right away was that I actually know very little about my earliest years. It's always bothered me that there are very few pictures of me as a baby. The story is that my mom and dad didn't like the picture that was taken at the hospital (I don't know why!) so the first picture that I am aware of is when I was already almost a year old! This has impacted my parenting because I probably go overboard on the pictures and scrapbooks.

I feel sensitive to the fact that we don't have any baby pictures of Sasha and we don't know much at all about his first 2-1/2 years prior to the adoption. We have baby pictures of Paul hanging on the walls...in fact, the hallway leading to the bedrooms sort of displays our immediate family history. There's a picture of Fred and me on our first date....a picture of us on our honeymoon....pictures of Paul's first few years....and once we adopted Sasha, the collection of pictures grew and included him.

I've observed Sasha on many occasions looking at those early pictures. He makes comments from time to time to express a wide range of emotion and reaction to them. Sometimes it's sadness...sometimes it's anger and/or jealousy. A lot depends on the mood he's in before he walks down that hallway! I'm pretty sure it's hard for him to comprehend that we existed as a family before him...and that he existed before he knew us too. There will always be missing pieces that we can't fill in for one reason or another.

He's having a really tough time these days. I'd like to write more but am going to have to leave it at this for the time being because I'm supposed to be making dinner. It's been a difficult day....but I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and stay calm.

Thanks again for the support. It means a lot to me.

Liz

[greenbeanbanshee]

What types of things do you do for yourself to stay regulated? I mean, I can totally feel the tension and the not knowing about your husband's job and what that will do to the family......there's a lot in there for you to deal with. Staying present means to not get stuck in the past or the future, but to be here, with your kids, today. Right now. Focus on that. Stay with them in what happens today without worrying about tomorrow. As they saying goes, tomorrow has enough worries of it's own, doesn't it?

So what types of things do you do to stay regulated? Do you write? Or sing? Or paint? Or maybe something as simple as breathing or praying or exercising? I think it is really important for you to really work on that right now. You have so many things to fret over, understandably. And it's really hard sometimes not to let yourself go there, to sort of drift off into all the unknowns of what the future holds. So what can you do to stay regulated and focused on today?

As far as the tele-classes go -- you are so funny. I think that is everybody's worry in the beginning. About saying too much or not saying anything intelligent at all. But it's so not like that. Rebecca instructs and people just jump in with questions or examples when ever it comes up for them, whenever it's comfortable. She never calls on people, which is nice. And you never have to say anything that you don't really feel the need to say. It's very casual. Really. In fact, the last class was so funny because one of the ladies had a lot to say and at one point she said, "I'll let someone else talk, because I'm saying too much." And we all jumped in and said, "no!" Because we were all really into what she was saying and we were learning from everything she said and it helped us. Other people hardly talk at all. They are just taking it all in, which is great. I would hope that over time we prove to you what an open, non-judgmental group we really are here on these forums so that eventually you feel comfortable joining in on the classes. I think it would really be good for you. Really help you take this paradigm to the next level and feel more confident with yourself. They have just been so good for me. I know you would benefit like I have.

Ok, I'm off my soapbox for now. :)

I hope you know I'm thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts all the way to the Carolinas. :hug

~Bethany

[artsymominnc]

In my situation, it doesn't seem to be as much an issue of identifying things that I enjoy doing. iI have quite a few hobbies and interests. The real issue is more often about working around the obstacles that are in my way because Sasha's dysregulation is so constant.

My efforts to relax are usually met with some sort of resistance or interruption on his part. After a time, it starts to feel personal. My sense is that whatever I am doing has a good chance of triggering his anxiety--or increasing the intensity of what's already there.

One possible explanation that I'm weighing is that he has not yet fully developed the concept of object constancy. My suspicion is that if I am not actively attending to him, and especially if he is already feeling anxious about something, there will be a strong likelihood my actions will be preceived as "proof" that I do not love him at that moment.

This doesn't happen all the time. It happens most often when I have specifically stated what I would like to be able to do. He's generally no more cooperative with me when I say that I need some time to clean the bathrooms than he is when I express a need for a short nap or let him know that I'm going to read a book for 20 minutes before I have to make dinner.

The response is generally the same. If I happen to be in the same room trying to read a book, he has a tendency to interrupt me every few minutes. If I've left the room, then when I come back, he's visibly more anxious than he was when I left....as if I literally abandoned him though I never even left the house.

He's been stretching this to a new level this week while we've been taking some vacation time from school. The other morning he made an unusual request for some cuddle and reading time at a time when he knew that I was preparing to do morning prayers with Paul. Sasha didn't want to participate, and I let that go....but it seems that he was asking for this one-on-one time with me in order to keep me from doing what I had planned.

Something similar came up the next day when I had set aside time to work outside in the gardens. He didn't want to help me with the tasks, and he doesn't like to play outside on his own...so I had asked him to play inside. He resisted that idea...so I brought him outside with me, and he persisted with a lot of nonsense talk and throwing sticks. It was annoying, and I could see that he wasn't going to let me work, so I sent him back into the house to play.

Less than half an hour later I checked on him and I discovered that he had used a broken piece of a building toy to scratch his arm. It wasn't a severe cut, but it was enough to get my attention. I asked him if he would have hurt himself more badly if I hadn't come to check on him. His response was "yes."

I know this wasn't specifically about my attention to the gardens. There's a lot more going on with him than just feeling bad because he doesn't have my constant attention, but this sort of thing certainly impedes my efforts to "relax."

What concerns me most is that his fear is so big! I can no longer take him to the grocery store or Wal-mart without incident. He expresses fear that we'll see people. He's afraid someone will talk to him. He's afriad to go down the pet aisle because there are pictures of dogs on the bags of dog food.

Last week, he was afraid to go into the grocery store because he feared there would be spider webs on the shelves. (What he meant was Halloween decorations...which, of course, would not be there in March...but he couldn't reassure himself of that.) He has also seen large bones for dogs in the meat department, and he was afraid to go in because he thought there would be dogs running through the store to get the bones.

Things have definitely gotten a lot worse for us in the past few months. No doubt he's affected by the frequency of Fred's trips...and the fact that in general, Fred isn't home much. That has put a lot of stress on me...and Fred's too stressed himself to give me much of a break.

Sasha doesn't cope well with babysitters, so we don't get to go out very often for a "date." It's one of those things where we find it's best not to tell him until the last minute if we have plans. If he knows in advance, he worries excessivley and seems to expect that well cancel the plans if he's acting up severely enough....so he acts up.

We have also had a lot of trouble finding someone who can provide the kind of care he needs. We know of a 15-year old girl who does fine...but I feel a bit uncomfortable putting that much responsibility on her. Paul says Sasha usually gets pretty wound up the whole time we're gone...and that's hard on Paul too.

So....as much as I'm trying to stay in the moment and find ways to take care of myself, I admit that it's been very challenging lately. School continues to be a big concern because he can't seem to handle anything...even an unschooling approach. We have nine weeks left to finish after Easter, and I don't know what to do!

In other news, Fred got word yesterday that the people in Fargo would not be making him an offer. He was very disappointed...but we're still waiting to hear from Cincinnati. That woud actually be a move that would make a lot of sense because he has a lot of famliy living in northern Kentucky...and there would be a lot of resources for Sasha in Cincinnati.

We'll see....

Liz

[Denise]

Liz,
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. We had some illness and a lot of other things going on. :dizzy You made a statement about moving being difficult in the best of times and you are worried about how it is going to be with all the stress. I'm sure just thinking about it seems overwhelming but I challenge you to take one step at a time and remain present each step of the way. In one of our groups, we talking about "mother-sizing" our jobs, basically taking one small step at a time so the big picture doesn't totally overwhelm us.

You might want to look at this approach with Sasha. He obviously can't stay regulated when there is much change so I encourage you to keep your days as scheduled as possible. I know that sounds easier said than done but maybe if you have a daily schedule up where he knows what to expect, it might make him feel more comfortable with his day. It is kinda like bedtime at our house, pajamas, teeth, potty, book, sleep. This happens every night no matter where we are.

I hear your struggles with Sasha and I wish I had a magic pill to give you and make it all better but I don't. I do thank you for sharing your struggles. It helps me to think about how to apply this model to all different situations. It is easier to "help" someone else because I'm not triggered and in the middle of my own issues.

I agree to keep the POSITIVE feedback loops going rather than the opposite. I really worked on this yesterday. I found that it was much easier to be around other, especially those who were displaying anger, when I went in with a positive attitude. I basically surrounded myself with positive energy and allowed only positive into my energy space. I can't say my day went perfect but it was much better than the previous days.

I hear you say that it is hard for you to take time for you because it causes Sasha to feel anxious. This is really tough! However, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't have the patience or calm to take care of Sasha. It is like they say when you are flying, to put your air mask on first before you help those around you. How good of a mother can you be if you can't breath in any fresh air?

People are here to help if you are willing to accept and open yourself up to the help. We are here to offer ideas and you get to pick and choose what works best for you and your family.

I also took Rebecca's class and found it to be very valuable. I found my class was also open to people talking or being still. We were accepting of everyone and what was going on in their lives. Some weeks I talked more than others. It was all good and I benefited from the support of like-minded people!

Good luck and keep posting! By the way, if Cincinati is where you end up, I would love to meet you. I live in Southern IN, about 3 hours away. :wave

[artsymominnc]

My husband got word earlier this week that the folks in Cincinnati offered the job to someone else. He's got on more interview coming up at the end of the month in Greenville, NC. Otherwise he's back to starting the application process all over again.

I don't know that I am doing an adequate job describing how resistant Sasha has been to "scheduling." I have really made an effort to be consistent with how we do things and when we do them, and for some reason, he has been really reluctant to follow or to trust me.

We have "routines" for school and for bedtime and we keep our weekend plans pretty simple. Given his autistic tendencies, the routines should help him feel more secure, but they don't seem too. We've had essentially the same bedtime routine since he was quite little, but I find that to be the worst time of day for us.

Since we started homeschooling, I have really tried to implement a routine for school too, but he still seems to get uptight about what we're going to do. If I tell the details, he worries. If I don't share the details, he worries.

I'm pretty sure that our last nine weeks of school are going to have to be very loosely planned because for the past eighteen weeks he has resisted any and every plan that I have come up with. There doesn't even seem to be just one subject anymore that he can tolerate without the anxiety building.

Even trying to engage him in something like planting some seeds or makigng cookies together stresses him out. I had tried to plant seeds with him last week...I mentioned it as a possible activity, he seemed to be somewhat interested, and then before we had even started, he backed out saying that he didn't want to get dirty.

While there's truth to that because he has sensory issues, I also know that this is a kid who likes to dig with sticks in the back yard just for the fun of digging. I think his resistance had more to do with having to choose between doing an activity with me or continuing his own play time on his terms.

I appreciate your support, and I appreciate the suggestion about the scheduling. I wish I could say that we haven't tried anything, but I feel sometimes as though we've tried everything! I'm a former teacher and my husband is a pyschologist. We've both given all these issues a lot of thought and planning. I've read soooo many books and tried to process so many ideas.

My gut feeling is that I know pretty well what my children need and I'm trying to provide it....but Sasha doesn't seem to be comfortable with anything. His internal nature seems to be driven by something unstable, so providing him with stability actually unnerves him-- terribly.

Feeling good for even brief moments causes him to regress because he doesn't seem to know how to handle it. Having one successful day of school can trigger several days of doubt and negativity. Lately, one good day seems to lead to more than a week of not so good days. In other words, things have gotten worse for us rather than better.

In trying to reach him on his emotional level, I wonder sometimes if I've "created a monster" because he doesn't seem to have an internal desire to want to be independent and successful.

How often have I encouraged him to learn a skill, reinforced that it's a good thing to be able to brush your own teeth or tie your own shoes, and then...I find that he starts doing it really badly...on purpose??? With teeth brushing, as soon as I started encouraging him to brush on his own after dinner like he has been doing after breakfast and lunch...he started chewing on his toothbrush. I'm still doing the flossing, so it wasn't like I expected complete independence...but obviously, there is something about that small step of independence which causes him distress.

I need to finish this up....but thanks again. I do keep checking back.

Liz

[greenbeanbanshee]

Ok, I have to jump in here and yell from the mountain top that schedules and my oldest child do NOT mix. I mean, it's scary how much it doesn't work with him. In fact, the worst he ever was in his entire life, when I was actively seeking a residential placment for him, was also when I was the most scheduled at home. I had a routine. I wanted to be consistent and balanced and steady. I thought that was best. But I felt like I was always swimming up stream against a current that was impossibly stronger than I was. It was exhausting and frustrating and defeating. I couldn't do it much longer. Finally I gave out. It was when I finally let go of that fight and just stopped resisting that things suddenly got better almost overnight. It was as if I stopped swimming and just floated peacefully, motionless, down stream....the way it was meant to go all along.

Sometimes what kids need, what we ourselves need, goes contrary to what we've always been told and contrary to what we've always thought. Sometimes it's about letting go of that routine, letting go of everything we've always strived for. Sometimes it's just about learning to float along with whatever comes.

Liz, it's hard. It's almost scary. So many things unknown and overwhelming. Practice breathing, keep painting, pray if that is something you do, and be kind to yourself. You have a lot going on and you are not a super hero. It's ok to just be human and let all those preconceived notions go. Even for just one day.

Sometimes that's what I have to do. :hug

~Bethany

[artsymominnc]

OK--I hear what you're saying, Bethany, about letting go of schedules, but I'm trying to say that he doesn't do any better without a schedule either.

Last summer was a prime example of that. In fact, from last April through August, I didn't schedule anything for him (except to interject if we had something specific to do away from home....but that was infrequent.) He was not any calmer or any more easy-going about working with me and feeling positive about what he was doing.

On top of that, he hasn't exactly followed a schedule consistently since early October....but my gut feeling is that when he has a "good day" it's because he allowed himself to work with me...to follow a schedule...to have a plan for the day and be able to check things off as he goes.

Without a plan of any sort, all he wants to do is play with his building toys, occasionally some other toy. He's not the sort of kid who seeks out involvement with anyone. He's also not the sort of kid who is self-motivated to learn or to challenge himself. He is not a self-teacher....though sometimes he would like to think that he is.

He's not the kind of kid who varies his activities so that he doesn't get stuck in a rut. His own choices, in my opinion, just make him "stuck" that much more. I'll go so far as to say that he would probably prefer to repeat the same day over and over again just because then he already knows what's going to happen...even if it is bad. It's "familiar."

So, please excuse me if I seem like I'm kind of clueless as to what you mean for me to do when you suggest letting go of the routine...letting go of the things I am striving to achieve....to float along with whatever comes. Do you mean on his terms? Or mine?

I don't quite understand what you would expect to happen if I let go of the idea of a routine or schedule. What are you implying he would do differently? And how would that relieve my stress? How would that help him as far as school work?

One of the biggest reasons I feel stressed is because he's always sending me so many mixed signals about needing me/not needing me; wanting structure/not wanting structure; saying that he wants to have a good day/ saying that he's afraid to have a good day; insisting that he wants to do school/ insisting that whatever I have planned is going to be "too hard."

He has some specific needs....some serious deficits or gaps in his learning. He's not going to learn these basic concepts on his own. I'm not implying that I have a set deadline in mind as to when he needs to have mastered something, so I'm not entirely clear as to what you think I should let go of???

Maybe you can clarify that a little more for me?

Liz

[Denise]

Bethany,
I’m sorry if I suggested something that wasn’t helpful. I’m glad that you chimed in on what didn’t work at your house. I know at my house, my children do better if they know what to expect. It is also why I put in my last comment to “take what works for you and leave the rest behind.” I think we all have the same goal, to help each other, so I appreciate when people also share what doesn’t work for them.

Liz,
It sounds like you have tried a lot and nothing seems to be working! I don’t know what it is like to have a child with autistic tendencies plus being adopted, WOW! I can see why you would feel overwhelmed with just trying to get through the day.
So, what has worked? What are you goals for Sasha? What kind of goals do you have for his schooling? What are your goals for yourself?
I’m working on keeping the positive feed-back loops going at my house. However, I have to admit that at times I get caught up in the negative energy and I’m not always the easiest person to be around. Then, I just start again working on keeping present and positive. Taking Rebecca’s class also helped me see some things that were happening in my family in a different light. The good thing about having kids is they give us A LOT of opportunities to learn and grow as a parent!
I hope that your days start to look a little brighter!
Denise :)

[greenbeanbanshee]

Denise, no apology necessary at all. I only jumped in on that one because routines/schedules were a hard lesson for me to learn. Basically, for me in the beginning of my parenting journey, I felt a lot of pressure about what I should be doing and not doing, what my kids should/should not be doing, what the neighbors thought, what the school board thought,l what I myself thought..... I felt like I had to be super hyper-vigilant in order to be able to accomplish even half of what I thought I should be doing. It set my family up for a never ending cycle of failures. Because I expected too much. From myself. From my kids. I was missing the larger picture all together, which was just learn to be ok with who you are and teach that to your kids. Forcing myself into a schedule was like a mold that was too tight. It was not getting me anywhere other than completely frustrated at the end of each day.

Sometimes I just feel like we mothers put too much on ourselves. That we expect too much and aren't comfortable enough with who we are and where we are. I feel like at some point we have to take a step back and sort of just decide to let the chips fall in whatever pattern they choose. Not all the chips, but at least some of them. Because we cannot control all the chips in our lives. We cannot.

I don't know. I guess in a way I am envious of every other mother out there who can follow a chart and use a daily schedule. But I am just not one of those people. I need to go with the flow and just do what needs to be done according to the feeling in the room and not according to what the paper on the clip board says. And I don't mean that negatively. But like I said, this was a hard lesson for me to learn. That I am ok without posting my expectations on the wall. Everybody has their lessons. This was mine. I agree, we have to take what works for us and go with it....then at some point, leave the rest behind. And this was one of those left behind things for me.

I feel like I'm always saying this these days, but -- I'm just rambling now. Sorry.

~Bethany

[mykdsmomy]

I don't know. I guess in a way I am envious of every other mother out there who can follow a chart and use a daily schedule. But I am just not one of those people. I need to go with the flow and just do what needs to be done according to the feeling in the room and not according to what the paper on the clip board says. And I don't mean that negatively. But like I said, this was a hard lesson for me to learn. That I am ok without posting my expectations on the wall. Everybody has their lessons. This was mine. I agree, we have to take what works for us and go with it....then at some point, leave the rest behind. And this was one of those left behind things for me.
~Bethany

Bethany~ this is me too! I would love to have charts and such up but it's just not "my" style. I do better when I can just go with the flow. I hate seeing lists and knowing I need to get so much done when I know I wont accomplish half of what is on the list.
It's really frustrating for me and there are times I think my children would do better with a list so we all know what to expect but I dont know.....it's hard

[greenbeanbanshee]

Judy, I hear you there! I was just telling Rebecca how much I love filling out forms. They are so satisfying. There's a question and then an answer, and you can see how far you've come and how far you still have to go. There is something so satisfying in that.

The problem with me is that having a list of "to do's" for me feels like a hundred people in a cave forced against their will to fill out one form. How long will it take us to agree on answer #1? And then 2? And then......and on and on and on. That's how it feels for me with three kids, three dogs, a house full of chores, homeschool, etc, etc....

I am just better off playing it by ear and going with the flow. It's taken me a really long time to be able to do that, but my entire household is so much more relaxed and natural now that I can chill. I find it really sad that my parents didn't teach me that. But I'm doing my best to teach it to my own kids.

At the end of the day, I don't want to feel like a failure because I didn't measure up to the neighbor's idea of what I should do or who I should be. That includes my parents and all that entails. Also the school board. And the government. My spouse. My "friends". I'm just done. I want to just be me.....fulltime. ;)

[Rebecca]

I love that you've decided to be you full time! :clap There is no one more qualified! I just really think that's awesome. Imagine a world where we are all free to just be ourselves full time. Let's all create it for ourselves and for our children. That's the world I choose to live in.

Who else wants to join me?! :wave

I really think that is one of the beauties of homeschooling. We can help our children discover who they are so that they can grow up to be themselves full time.

[greenbeanbanshee]

I really think that is one of the beauties of homeschooling. We can help our children discover who they are so that they can grow up to be themselves full time.

I could not agree more.

There was another discussion about this on DPR and it always seems so sad to me that people are forced into a mold of what public school expects from their family. Maybe for some families that works just fine, but when you bring attachment challenges into that mold it often just does not fit...no matter what.

I definitely want to join you, Rebecca. I believe in your vision and I honestly do not think it's that far away. People want truth and they want what feels good. They just have never been offered it in a way that makes it ok. What I love about CP is that it's one place that is finally filling that need.

Thank you for everything you've done. Your project is beautiful. Like someone recently said to me, it's light just shines. :thumb

That is amazing. :heart