Stressed out/ totally unregulated parenting

[rstump]

What to do when you are in crisis mode?

We have moved
Most of the house is still in boxes. We are merging to households so it is not as easy as just putting things away.
I am working 20-30 hours a week from home.
Forrest is having issues at work so he is working 60-70 hours a week.

I am trying to unpack, work, still cook dinner (seems most night have been take out or sandwiches). I try to plan but the house is a mess. I hate living all out of boxes. I can't find anything. Money is always an issue when moving...money is tight but then we are eating out lots driving around trying to get things done.

The kids are trying very hard to get settled but everything is new. I am trying to work on things but I am so TIRED, SO stressed. DH doesn't seem to get it. He comes home tired from working and wants to just relax. Of course I want him to help with the kids so I can unpack a box, do some laundry, etc. He wants to eat and veg in front of the TV. He hasn't even THOUGHT about getting to my list of things like cabinet locks, a gate at the top of the stairs....all things that will HELP my daily parenting routine.

Ellie is crawling everywhere, she can climb, pull up and FALL lots. Madalynn & David are testing all the new boundaries. We moved in with my mom. She has a VERY old parenting style. She knows I do things differently but she complains that the kids don't listen....3yo & 5yo...of course they don't. Not immediately like she expects. Then she does things like send them to the corner, tell them they are bad. I am trying to explain things to her and teach her but she doesn't really understand. She says she won't do those things anymore but they are old habits that die hard. She tries to help me but usually makes a mess of things and makes the kids even MORE unregulated.

I know this is just transition and it is just hard. I am really struggling. We haven't even started homeschooling this year. I don't want them to get "behind" but I am barely making it to provide 3 meals, clean clothes, nurse the baby and sleep a few hours......all without blowing up, yelling and wanting to go hide in my room for a nap.

I am sure 6 months from now when the boxes are unpacked and we get into a rhythm...things will be better but right now....AUGH. I am TIRED. (sorry for the vent):eek:

[Rebecca]

Hi, Renee,

First, I really want to validate where you are coming from right now. As someone who has moved twice in about a year, I have so been there.

Start with breathing. And remember that stress causes confused and distorted thinking where it is difficult to see solutions. It is great that you came here to vent and find support for yourself. That's the place to start regulating your family- with you.

Set aside anything that is not totally and completely essential right now. It may mean you're eating take-out, which I know isn't ideal. However, your main goal really needs to be on regulating yourself.

Do you have a friend who could come help? Could you network with your church (if you've found one) to get a teen to come over and help out for a few hours?

Set reasonable goals to keep your stress down. Let structured homeschooling go for now (out of your mind, too) and concentrate on connecting with your children with what you do. Read stories, go on an exploratory trip to the library, go outside in your yard and look for bugs, flowers, leaves, etc. But ask yourself the question: "What can I do to connect with my children in this moment?" I know you're stressed out and overwhelmed, and that your children are, too. Validate that. Tell them that it is hard to move. Remind them to breathe. And work to make this a time of connection instead of disconnection.

It may mean that it is going to take longer than you want to get settled and unpacked, but reality is that it is going to take a while regardless. You have 4 young children who need you right now. So, it can take a while to get it put away and you can be stressed out about it (knowing full well what I'm saying here...) OR you can accept that it is going to take you a while to get it all put away, set your stress aside, get everyone regulated, and find that you'll be able to have the help and cooperation of your more regulated kids, as opposed to more chaos from the mass dysregulation that has taken over in your home. (Oh, I have SO been there!)

Do whatever you need to do to regulate yourself. Hire someone to do those jobs your dh just can't get to. Remember, he just started a new job, too, and has his own stresses. That doesn't make it easier for you, but it may mean that to decrease the stress in your home means some of those jobs need to be contracted out (like that baby gate installation... look for a local handy man). In this situation, you need to be proactive- as much as possible- about decreasing your stress. DH will be able to be more supportive if he doesn't come home feeling so overwhelmed by what is going on there, too, which will also help to increase his ability to help out and, in turn, decrease his stress.

As for your mom, that's really hard. Again, the more regulated you can stay with yourself, the more you will be able to respond with love to your mom. Saying, "I can see that you really care about the kids, mom, and I know you want to do what is best for them. We're all stressed here and we're going to make mistakes." If your mom is too dysregulated at times to deal with the children, it might be a good time to go outside or on one of those exploratory trips I was talking about earlier.

Concentrate on creating a support system for yourself in your new community and continue to reach out here as you need to.

Let us know how you're doing!

Blessings,

[Lianne]

Just wanted to post a hug for you, Renee! It is so hard to stay above water sometimes.