Weaning an almost 3 year old

[Julie]

Hi all! Rebecca, thanks for your previous post. I apologize, I'm just not online enough to respond promptly. But I promise I will.

However, in partial response, I feel there is one thing I can do to get pregnant. Yep, you guessed it. Weaning my darling, avid nursing 3 year old, Haley. I'm pretty sure its affecting my cycle and I'm pretty sure my body is even trying hard to make a pregnancy happen, but the breastfeeding does affect some people...and I am of the unlucky few.

True, my desire would be to let her outgrow the need, but I don't have that luxury. My husband is older and will not wait much longer. We both feel that this is the best option, but I have no idea how to make it happen.

I have pretty much gotten her down to four times daily. Newly started yesterday by distraction mostly...wake-up, nap, wake up from nap and "bedtime" milk. She is not nursing to sleep, she just gets milk as part of the routine. She does occassionaly nurse in the middle of the night, so I think that will be my next step. I feel I have a grasp of where to go from here, since before it was a lot more nursing, mostly boredom, hunger, or thirst.

My hope is that some of you wise women might have thoughts for the other feedings. My goal is to wean by her 3rd birthday, which is March 9, so I have some time. I am just not sure how its going to happen without a conversation with her. She is not quite ready to give it up, so I feel like there would be some tears and I'd truly love to avoid that. What about a big gift as persuasion, like after a week of no nursing?? I read that in a book, How Weaning Happens? I have mentioned it and she has given me a firm No, I don't want to say bye bye to milk :(

Any thoughts?? Sorry to cut it short, my daughter calls. Going to try to distract from the wake up from nap nursing :).

Thanks for any help and truly just having a place to talk about it, is more help than I can even say. Thank you!

Julie (and Haley)

[Rebecca]

Hi Julie,

Glad to see you here again!

The biggest thing to keep in mind about weaning is to understand what nursing is about for Haley. Why does she nurse? I know there are many, many reasons. But the biggest ones I want you to think about are connection to you and regulation. Nursing is how she knows how to get your time and love, so you need to provide other opportunities for her to get her needs met. In this case, it isn't just a matter of substituting one thing for something else. You need to understand what it is that she is needing in order to find something that will even come close to meeting that need.

The other is regulation. When she is upset, she is still learning how to calm her whole body down. One of the primary ways she learns to do this from you is through nursing. So, one thing to keep in mind over the next couple of months is to help her learn to regulate in other ways. Show her how breathing calms you down when you are upset. When she's upset, breathe deliberately near her in a slow, calming way. Hold her when she's upset instead, focusing on staying in a calm place yourself. She will need lots of physical contact to make up for the missed nursings, not less.

Using a reward for weaning undermines how important nursing is to her. She loves to nurse because she loves you and needs that connection with you. You need to show her that her needs will still be meet, even if she is no longer nursing. She isn't still nursing because she needs another thing. Show her that the most important 'thing' is your relationship. That doesn't mean that you can't celebrate her weaning in some way, but just not as a reward.

The other thing I want you to do is to connect with how it must feel for her to be giving up nursing. When she wants to nurse and she is feeling sad or angry because she can't, validate her feelings. "I'd be upset, too. Tell me how mad you are right now!" and allow her to express her feelings about it. (I just posted an article I wrote in the ARTICLES section of my website called, "Beyond 'Because I said so!'" That may have some ideas for you as well.) In order to accept her feelings about it, you need to be 100% okay with your own decision to wean. I'd suggest spending some time reflecting on that or talking to a supportive friend.

Keep in mind that weaning to give you a better chance to have another baby doesn't guarantee that you will have another baby. But you already have Haley right here, right now. Stay focused on this present moment with her and you'll maintain your relationship through this important transition.

HTH,

[greenbeanbanshee]

Hi, Julie. I don't really know you, so I'm hesitant to respond to your situation. I don't want any of my own biases to come across (although I don't know if that is possible). Having gone through both nursing and fertility problems, I just had to respond. If for no other reason than to say hi and tell you that you are not alone in what you are going through. It can be really, really hard.

I am still nursing my youngest. He'll be 3 in one week. He only nurses a couple of times a day, and sometimes he skips entire days (which seems weird to me because my daughter did not do this). I nursed my daughter until she was 4, even through my prenancy and after my second was born (she was 22 months old at the time, so not quite 2). I would nurse her today if she asked me. Eventually, she just sort of stopped asking, so I never had to wean her.

From the day I started nursing, people always told me what to do. In the beginning it was about the how-to's of nursing -- positioning, latching, timing, etc..... But later, like after I got pregnant again, they said it would damage my fetus, that it would suck my calcium out and cause fractures, etc. It was hard for me because I felt a lot of pressure from different angles. I felt torn between two things I really wanted: nursing the baby I already had, and making a new, healthy baby.

I had to be really conscious of what was pushing my decisions during those times. I didn't want to do something in the heat of the moment because of the pressure I was feeling in either direction, whether biologically or societally.

I don't know what to say. It's very strange. Sometimes I think we just need to learn to take a step back and let the chips fall where they may. Adding more stress to ourselves by forcing something to happen only causes more stress. Doesn't it? So I would just encourage you to be kind to yourself and do what is right for the child that you do have, whatever that is, only you know.

And I hope this didn't come across wrong. I don't want to influence you in any way. I think you've already made a decision, you just want to know how to follow through with it. That I don't know. Just know that I'm thinking of you and wish you the best.

~Bethany

P.S. Also, I personally got pregnant while nursing, so it can definitely happen. I never even had a period. Just boom! Another baby one day. (Oooops.)

[Lianne]

Hugs, Julie. :hug We've talked about this a lot and you know I support you in whatever decision you feel is best for your family. If you are resenting nursing (and, by extension, Haley) for any reason, then you need to change something. Good for you for being willing to explore that to make things better for your family. And let's not forget that 3 years of nursing is an amazing gift that many, MOST kids in the US don't get!

I like this:Using a reward for weaning undermines how important nursing is to her. She loves to nurse because she loves you and needs that connection with you. You need to show her that her needs will still be meet, even if she is no longer nursing. She isn't still nursing because she needs another thing. Show her that the most important 'thing' is your relationship. That doesn't mean that you can't celebrate her weaning in some way, but just not as a reward.I knew I felt icky about the present thing but this absolutely describes why I felt icky about it.

This is all connected to some other things we've talked and posted about too - make sure you are clear within yourself how you feel, what your goals are, etc. so you are confident when you present the new plans and rules to Haley.

Fertility issues are so personal and difficult to deal with. We all have to make the best decisions we can with what we have and where we are. It wasn't easy for me to make the decision I did (to use clomid while nursing) and I'm sure people would disagree with it. I think you have worked on this and figured out that this is what you feel you have to do, so be confident in that and stay connected with Haley while you continue with what you need to do.

It's been a week since you posted - any updates?

[subiewon]

Dear Julie,

I'm afraid i don't know you as well, but wanted to write. Hope it is somehow helpful. It sounds like you feel to be stuck between a rock and a hard spot, a rough situation! Weaning to me is just plain tricky. It's like this flow for my children and I. I have three, 12, 9 and 4. With each child, when i was concerned about breastfeeding and wanting to cut back, they could feel that pulling away feeling and that only wanted them want it more. I could either continue to resist and go with less nursing and jump thru the hoops, keeping them busy, etc. and i created more of a disconnection, even when we actually did nurse. At other times with each child, i was able to do the classic "LLL" turn-the-clock-away, put-away-the-calendar type of breastfeeding. Then it became a non-issue and the weaning could occur more naturally.

Ultimately, it seems a decision much like Norma Jane Bumgarner talks about in Mothering Your Nursing Toddler. Is the distraction and stategy away from breastfeeding taking more effort and stress than the actual nursing? That's a great book, by the way. I didn't read it until my third child was two and we hit a sort of "breastfeeding bottom." It helped immensely. And as far as the anxiety that goes with an unwilling weaning, for child and mom, I often wonder what effect stress has on our fertility. Are there other factors that can be explored besides weaning? My understanding that no night nursing if very often enough for fertility to return. Who knows? I understand that cleansing different systems of the body of toxicity can have a whopping effect on fertility. There might also be a nutritional approach.

Mothering Your Nursing Toddler also talks about gauging what level the child's need for nursing is at by the child's reaction to cutting back. If it's not a big deal, then they are ready. I hear that you may be somewhat conflicted about the decision, even very sad at the loss of the nursing relationship with your child. I'm wondering if there are supportive people around you for extended breastfeeding in general? I'm sorry, again, i don't know you, but having validation for your parenting choices thus far makes a world of difference for any mom. You sound like a very responsive mom who has followed her heart to make the best connection you are able to for her daughter through breastfeeding. But now there seems to be something conflicting with meeting those needs. Would weaning solve the problem or cause a bigger one, i guess is a question to consider.

I don't know and i could be totally off base. I hope I don't offend. I would encourage you to listen to that voice inside you that tells you just what you need to do and you truly have peace with it. Maybe it might take a while to find. Maybe weaning is the answer right now. When you get to a place where weaning is not filled with such conflicting feelings, I would guess that Haley would sense that and it might not be such an uphill battle. The book i mentioned has a lot of very specific tips for weaning, which i think is what you were asking for. And i wrote all this stuff instead. :o Haley has had such a meaningful life lesson learning that her needs are important and that they will be met. I like to think that this gives our kids the ability to get their need own needs met for the rest of their lives. First they have to identify their needs and see that they can be met. You are going on three years of giving this to your daughter. However much longer the breastfeeding continues, that's a great milestone to be coming up on.
Take care,

Susan
Clearwater, FL